Update of Sorts and New Direction of This Blog

It's been a few years since I posted. It seems the same for many others. With Facebook, at least for me, it seemed I didn't need to post because many who follow this, follow me there, so everyone was getting regular updates. 

As for updates, for those who haven't followed there. Madison is now twelve going on twenty; and the twins are almost eight! It has been almost nine years since losing our sweet Hailey and we definitely still have moments. I've met a few people because of that loss and have been able to help some through their journey. I always try to reach out where I can. I remember how it helped me knowing there were others out there who had gone through it and knowing that even those who hadn't reached out just to let me know they were there. Even though I didn't always reach out to the ones who let me know they were there, knowing they were meant so much.

I was sharing with a friend that I had this blog and didn't know if I would update anymore, because if I did, I didn't know what I'd share about. She gave me an idea and I think it's a good one to share about, because it is something I'm still learning about.

So, the twins are now seven and a half, they are definitely growing boys! They will be in second grade this coming school year and it should be an interesting adventure! A few years ago, when the boys were doing pre-k, the teacher we met with through our charter school, got to witness Matthew having a melt down, which isn't too out of the ordinary for kids, especially at that age; for him, it was more than a normal meltdown. She mentioned he might have Sensory Processing Disorder and I was intrigued, I had never heard of that. I went home and researched it some and felt like it was something to definitely look into with his dr. So we started that process. This is the direction I want to take the blog, living with this and learning how to help him and figuring out what works and what doesn't is a continuing process. I know some of these things are becoming more common, but growing up in the 80's it wasn't as much of a thing, at least not that most of us were aware of. I wanted to post our story and our journey through this for us to look back on and to share with those who may want to learn more or at least along with us. 

Hope you enjoy!

Faucett update ;)

So I've been neglecting my blog, I have been a bit busy. ;) The boys are almost 5 months old, 3 1/2 months adjusted. They are both growing and healthy! Matthew did fine after his hospital visit. They have been off their monitors for at least a month. They've had their first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They did well, of course had no idea what was going on. :) At their 4 month check up the dr noticed that Matthew's head had grown more than Owen's so she ordered an ultrasound to find out why. The ultrasound did show some fluid so we went to a neurologist and he had a CT scan. The neurologist said it was benign and his body will catch up. We have SoonerStart come out every so often to check their development and the lady that works with them suggested I ask more questions so I will do that especially since Owen is more social and interactive so we just want to make sure the fluid isn't the reason he's doing different things. Granted they are different babies and will always do things differently but we just want to make sure he is developing normally for him. They are both starting to grasp things and talk. Owen will giggle and once and awhile Matthew will chuckle. They love floor time. Since they are more active they have been keeping me busy, leaving less time for other things. I still try to fit in time with Madison as much as possible. Last weekend my parents took the boys so Jason and I took Madison to the mall, mainly just spent the day with her, just her. She loved it! She has certainly had her moments lately wanting more attention. She loves helping and loves her brothers but needs her time too and we do what we can.
It's such an amazing thing having 3 kids, it still breaks my heart that Hailey isn't here and I constantly wonder what she would be like. It's funny too because if you would have asked (and some did) a couple of years ago how many kids I wanted and if I'd want 4 since I was one of 4; I would have said I wanted 2 maybe 3 kids but now if I could have Hailey in this mix I would! I would totally be happy with a 4 1/2 year old, a 1 1/2 year old and two almost 5 month olds! The irony is I probably wouldn't grasp how great it would be without Hailey's loss. This is our journey and we will continue on it and follow where God guides us. There is a plan we just need to trust and follow Him.
I'll try and update more sometime soon; I do have a birthday coming up! ;)
Until next time!

Mr Matthew

So, speaking of things not going as planned. Saturday, October 13, I had been doing their feedings and had laid down to sleep after feeding them at 7:45. Jason was at the store and Madison was at her grandparents house. I woke up at about 10am to Matthew's monitor going off so I jostled him and it seemed like he was ok but it went off again so I picked him up and he was limp. So I tried to stimulate him and it didn't seem to help. So even though I didn't want it to be the case, I put him on the floor and unwrapped him and moved his clothes and began compressions. He twitched a couple of times but it took almost a minute to get him to cough and mutter a little cry so I grabbed a wipe and used it on his skin to make him react. He began crying, I was so relieved! I checked and he seemed to be ok. I wrapped him back up and sat in the rocker just holding him. I posted in one of my angel mom groups about what happened and one of my friends who was a pediatric nurse called me and told me to take him to the hospital. I don't know why it didn't register to me that I needed to do that, maybe because I was just dealing with and grasping what just happened. So I called Jason and told him what was going on etc. Then I called my mom to tell her what was going on and made a plan. They came over to watch Owen and my dad took Matthew and me to the hospital and Jason met us there. We took him to the er and after tests and drs and nurses looking him over and checking things out, Matthew was admitted for overnight observation. When he was admitted his saturation level was at 80 something. So they gave him oxygen and that helped. They slowly reduced the amount of oxygen to make sure he could maintain his levels on his own. They decided to keep him another night to make sure he could go at least a day on his own. So far he's done that so hopefully in the morning we will go home. Of course I'm super nervous about how he will do at home but at least we have the home monitors but it's still nerve wracking.
It sure has been nice also having Facebook so we have been able to post the word and have tons of prayer warriors! So for those who aren't on Facebook and aren't already praying, please pray that things continue to progress well.
Until next time.

Baby Boys!

Well, of course things continue to never go as you plan. :) So, following my previous post....for those who don't know...they decided that after they decided to deliver that morning, they also decided to monitor the babies until delivery. Of course if there were any episodes in baby a's heart beat we would consider delivering sooner. We were lucky in the nurse we had that night, because she made sure and watched the monitor because baby a's heart dipped twice. The first time, the nurse noted it and called the dr to let her know and see what to do. It was decided that if it happened again, we would deliver. I think about an hour or so later it did; and the nurse said she couldn't keep watching and was calling the dr to deliver. So....at 2:50 and 2:51 am Matthew Benjamin and Owen Howard were born! Hearing them cry was beyond amazing!! Madison was there with my mom and when the nurses took the boys to the NICU, they stopped and showed them to the grandparents and big sister. They asked Madison what their names were and she picked by who was A and who was B; which was funny because that wasn't the purpose of waiting until they were born. ha! Of course, as much as I tried, I ended up associating who they were in the womb so our picks were different and they had the names backwards for the first few hours until I could come down and see them. :)
So, they did have oxygen and later discovered they had reflux, but through their stay in the NICU, they did really well. They did have moments where their heart rate would dip, which they attributed to reflux. They came home a day or two before they were 3 weeks old! They came home on monitors, but at least they came home! Matthew came home first because Owen had a hard time with his feeding before being able to come home. Which seemed to be only because he had his Hepatitis shot and circ hours before and that tends to slow down their feedings. So he came home pretty much first thing the next day.
They are 5 weeks old and doing amazing!! They were just under 4 lbs when they were born and are already well past 5 and a half lbs now! Not sure how long they will be on monitors, but they seem to do okay with the episodes. They have medicine for their reflux which was determined was the reason for the heart rate dipping. We are adjusting to their schedule but it isn't too bad, they seem to stay in the same schedule which helps. Anyway, that mostly sums up everything for now, we are only beginning our adventure.
Until next time!

Twins

So, an update on our boys. Last I updated on them, I was put on bed rest. I went to my appointments and they monitored things and all was/is well. A few weeks ago we went to the high risk appointment and she didn't like how the blood flow of baby a's cord looked and said to come back in 2 weeks. When I came back I was 32 weeks and they were no longer checking my cervix. Well the follow up appointment was last Thursday the 30th of August. Well we were in for a treat, the flow hadn't changed much and she had me do a non stress test where they monitor the babies and contractions. Well on top of the blood flow I was having contractions and didn't feel them and with my history they sent me for an overnight stay at the hospital. Well over the course of the day my high risk dr and ob decided to keep me here until the babies are born. Hospital bed rest is very boring but I know it is worth it! The high risk dr also said she wanted to move delivery up from 36 weeks to 34 weeks. She was also doing a scan in the week following being admitted. Well, that scan was today! We thought it would be tomorrow but she decided to come today! So she did an ultrasound and looked at the blood flow and fluids, she didn't like how it looked. The fluid for both was down and the cord blood was more persistently absent. She said we could go a week but we would have to monitor everyday and scan everyday and with my history it's taking a bit of a chance. Since it was dinner time when she came by she said we could wait for tomorrow. The drs and hospital coordinated and at 7:30 am the drs are delivering our twin boys!!! I/they will be right at 33 weeks tomorrow so that is pretty good and I had a steroid shot when I was admitted to help their lungs. I am so nervous/anxious/excited! I am glad they will be here so we know they are ok but anxious for all the normal reasons going into a c-section.
That's pretty much my update for now and I will post again when I can after and about their arrival!!
Until next time.

One Year

So it's officially been one year, since we lost our sweet girl. It has been quite the journey, we have been through a lot and learned a lot. It has definitely made it interesting being pregnant again. Sooo many emotions over the past year. I have even had some bitterness on some things. It can be a hard journey, but I have turned to those around me and put A LOT in my faith and the Lord! I certainly could have NEVER done this on my own and can NEVER express how much I appreciate the people that have surrounded us!
I didn't know for quite some time what I wanted to do for her first birthday. I thought about going to the cemetery, thought about releasing butterflies, and of course the traditional balloon release or just a casual get together. As it got closer and being on bed rest I was limited and a few things were automatically off the list. I also missed doing the butterflies because I couldn't figure out how to get them to release them and if I tried the kind you hatch I didn't plan it on time. So since the main thing I wanted was to be surrounded by those that have been there and supported us, we finally decided to invite those people and do a balloon release because it was the easiest to plan etc. We did that tonight and it turned out very nicely! I am very pleased with how it went.
Of course I was soo nervous about the day approaching and what it would be like. As usual it was like most things, the anticipation is worse than the day. I didn't feel like doing much during the day, so we didn't. We enjoyed family time and just thought about her and talked about her. Madison had her moments of testing us but we got through it. :)
It is interesting, people keep telling me how strong I am and so on, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. I guess the funny thing is everyone says I'm the string one, but actually I wouldn't be if it weren't for them (you) as I mentioned. :)
Also Jason had said at the balloon release that I was the glue, but in an odd way, I think Madison was/is because she helped me. I was focused on caring for her and had her to love on and that helped me a lot as well. It's just amazing the things you learn by going through something like this! You learn a lot about yourself and the ones who are your true friends and I am sure they also learn a lot as well!
We have six weeks left until the boys are born and we are very excited. It will be a fun journey and I look forward to what we will learn in the next year. I will also have to plan well for the next celebration having two little ones at Hailey's next birthday. Thank you for reading and thinking of us!
Until next time!

releasing the balloons

Madison releasing the first balloon

balloons.....

30 Weeks pregnant with the boys! :)

June

So at least this time it's only a month. Well the first part of June was mostly uneventful, just making sure I still feel movement, keeping Madison busy, etc. I've had another appointment with both doctors, at every high risk appointment they check my cervix, sorry tmi. Well last time I went they said it was short. I didn't know what that meant. So the doctor came in and explained it. Basically telling me I need to be on bedrest. I can still go to the bathroom and make a sandwich and take a shower but that's it and I need to be down reclining or laying as much as possible. Granted I figured I would have to do bedrest, I just thought I had awhile. Needless to say I've been trying to find ways to stay busy and had lots of help to make sure Madison is set. I go back after the holiday to see how things are looking. I'm just hoping I won't have to do hospital bedrest. The first week of bedrest was very emotional, though. Madison and I were scheduled for Bible school and I had to step out but she was still able to go with my dad and nieces. I love that she got to, had fun, and learned a lot; but being home alone wore on me. The Thursday night of school they had family night and did a program, her first. My mom sent pictures and I just broke down. I didn't really know why but I think it was just emotional and hormones. I was ok, just also realized I should probably have her here when I can, to help and to 'entertain'. :) She's been really good about it so far, she even gets onto me sometimes that I don't need to be up. :) I've been looking through the internet for groups and things to keep me busy, so I can't get to caught up in the emotions of bedrest. My mom got me some cross stitch to work on and that's helped. It keeps me busy, plus she got bibs so that I can use them for the boys too. I plan on working on some knitting or crochet if I can. I still need to learn crochet and work on learning more knitting, but something I could do. :) I've found lots of duct tape bags I could work on also, so maybe I'll do that too. I'd love to work on my sewing, but I can't sit up that long. Anyway, it's funny because even though I have time to blog, I don't have a lot to blog about, very uneventful around here. :) Just working on making lists of things we need to do so people that want to help have an idea of what they can do. It's very frustrating for me because I'm the type of person, that if I want something done, I'd rather just do it myself; but obviously I can't right now. It's hard to do that, but it's more important to make sure these boys stay in as long as possible. Which I also am trying to stay busy so that I'm not worrying about them, etc.
Oh, and I also wanted to mention, the same day I went to the high risk doctor and thus found out I'd have to be on bedrest, I received my Hailey bear!! There is an amazing group called Molly Bears, they makes bears for parents that lost a baby and the bears weigh the same as the baby! It was started by a mother who lost her baby and a friend brought her a weighted bear and she knew she had to start making them. The waiting list is about a year, but so worth it! It's a great cause. It felt so amazing to hold something the same weight as her!! I forgot 4lbs felt like that.
Also, on the subject of Hailey, her birthday is coming up in about a month, and I'm a little sad that I won't be able to at least go to the cemetery, but I may still try to somehow celebrate with a small group of friends and family, Jason and I are still trying to decide what we want to do. It's certainly a bittersweet moment. On one hand we want to celebrate that we have a sweet angel in Heaven but it's also hard to remember that she's not with us. We've certainly come a long way in a year, though. It's all a process and a journey and we are getting there. I'm sure in 20 years we will still feel this sadness.
Well, that's my post for this time. I'll try to update again soon, especially after the doctor this week; if anything changes or significant comes from it. Prayers for us through the bedrest and most importantly that these boys are able to grow in the womb as long as possible! :)
Until next time!

Mostly May :)

Well, I try to keep up, but life gets a little crazy sometimes. :)
So, I had my first Mother's Day since losing Hailey. I was pretty okay with it and didn't get very emotional about it. That is until church that Sunday morning. I had forgotten that they usually do the baby dedication on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Jason and I had sat down and were getting acquainted waiting for things to start and I noticed a few people sitting up front, that usually aren't there but didn't think about it. Then I saw the pink and blue gift bags on the stage and started putting things together. I checked the program to make sure, sure enough, there it was. I pointed it out to Jason and lost it. Luckily my grandma was on the other side of Jason and had some tissue. I had a cry and then pulled myself together, but once they did the actual dedication, I lost it again and I'm pretty sure my mom was in tears as well. It just made it hard because Hailey was supposed to be up there. Jason asked if I wanted to step out, but I didn't want to draw attention, so I just endured it. I know most of the emotion was hormones, but I'm sure I would have still been emotional. Jason also kept reassuring me that next year we'll be up there with two. :) I love that guy. :) Days like that it's still hard, yes we have two boys on the way, but I have two girls too. Most days I know she's waiting for us in Heaven and we will see her again, and I do have two blessings growing in my belly; but grief is grief and it's still hard. I can't believe her one year 'birthday' is coming up and I have ideas of what I want to do, but I'm trying to picture how it's going to go. For one, I will be huge, two I will be extremely emotional; but we'll see how it plays out. :) I just can't decide how big or small I want it to be and what exactly I want to do. Through, everything, though, the birthday coming up and the anxiety of being pregnant again, I am beyond grateful for the amazing other moms I have met online and through Facebook! It is so nice having people that get it like no one else. I am also fortunate to have those that don't personally understand what I'm dealing with but are still amazing and supportive!
Well, I officially have a 4 year old now!! Madison turned 4 about a month ago! We decided to give her a surprise party because she LOVES surprises and it went very well!! She didn't know what was going on and her response was that 'you didn't scare me'! LOL, she is so funny! She is getting so big and so grown up! She is a big helper most of the time, but she has certainly had her moments of testing her limits. We've been trying different things, but most of all trying to be consistent and loving instead of screaming and yelling. I learned early on that it doesn't accomplish anything. Plus, I think deep down I knew that to begin with, considering I was just like her as a child. :)

The babies are growing very well and I had my first appointment with my high risk doctor a couple of weeks ago. I was 18 weeks; and am 20 weeks today, so literally 2 weeks. :) Well, being at 18 weeks they can tell the sexes of the babies.......we had lots of speculations, Madison and I wanted one of each and Jason was set that it was 2 girls; I was certainly okay with 2 boys, I think one of each would be great because I was so set on another girl and prepared for a girl for nine months before losing Hailey, so that's where that came in. Well, I ended up going by myself because Jason couldn't get off and I didn't want anyone else to know before him. So luckily I at least got to call him after I was done with my appointment. I was a little surprised when I saw what the babies were; but was happier to see that there were still 2 heartbeats. :) Well, I was texting with him first and confirmed they were both the same gender. I then told him he and Madison were both wrong. I don't know that he caught on, I think he was thinking of a conversation we had had the night before about all the possibilities and I was thinking of his original thoughts. Either way I was able to talk to him and told him, yes we are having two boys!!! BOYS!!! He could not believe it and was still in shock for the rest of the day!! We waited until that evening to tell our parents. We were going to do it the next night, but we couldn't wait so we visited with each set and both were equally shocked. Obviously it will be the first grandsons for Jason's parents, but my mom was pretty excited since she has 4 granddaughters. :) We allll were hoping Madison was a boy; but very excited to see her none the less, and Hailey we kind of figured would be a girl. In fact with the twins, when I walked into my parents and they realized Madison had a shirt on because she waited outside until my parents were ready to show it off, and my mom said, 'let's see those girls'.

This is the shirt she showed the grandparents. I ironed on everything except the gender the night before and added the boys after my appointment.

The more I think on it, I still can't believe we are having boys!!  I have very little experience with them, only what I encountered at the Mother's Day Out I was working at. Let alone two at the same time! It's funny because even though I've wanted boys all along, I've really gotten used to girls. Especially with 3 nieces! Hand me downs have been nice, now I have to outsource. :) Although, at this point, I will gladly take it! We are all excited and just anxious for them to be here healthy and happy. I honestly still can't believe we're having two!! We are obviously looking into a bigger place because 2 bedrooms is not going to be enough! I could have handled it with just one baby for awhile, but 2 babies and Madison, are not going to cut it. :) Well, being that that is the case, it makes it hard for me to 'nest' or do anything to get stuff ready, because I have nowhere to 'get ready'. Of course we also still have 2 beds to get; one for Madison and one for the babies. We still have Madison's crib which she is using the toddler bed of now. We have 2 bassinets so we should be fine for a little while, but I like to have it ready when we can. I also know they might sleep together for most of their first months anyway, but I just want to have everything covered. My brother said he still has one stored at his house, so we may be in luck there. Of course both 'cribs' are 3 in 1s so I don't know how I will do that because with two boys I may just do the bunk bed thing down the road. Maybe when they are big enough we'll just do bunk beds and convert Madison's current bed into the full for her and let my brother have his back to sell or whatever. We'll figure it out. I did arrange the car seats in the car the other day to make sure 3 would work comfortably in our sedan and they do; I still want to check with the fire station or something to double check it's all safe, etc. I have also looked into doing cloth diapers this time. I looked a little with Hailey and didn't get far enough to realize they aren't that hard to deal with. It seems a little crazy to do cloth with 2 babies, but I want to try, because as many have pointed out in the long run it will save money. I may also look to make a few myself to cut cost even more. Right now, I'm all about saving money. :) Ironically it does cost a bit to get started, but like most things, that's it. Buy enough to get by with, and wash after they are dirty and I won't need to buy more and more. Even better most are made to grow with the baby so I won't need to buy any even when they are potty training! Granted I'm still in the we'll try and see, so it may get to a point when I give in and go back to disposable, but I think if I find the right ones and get everyone to see what I see, it will be great. I'm sure in the first month or 2 we may have to compromise being that they may be preemie size or really small newborns and may not fit the typical cloth, but I think they have even figured out how to accommodate that, I just need to make sure I do. :)
Anyway, I didn't double check, but Jason is at a new job and he loves it!! That is mainly why he couldn't make it to the high risk doctor appointment because he is still in training. He has a lot to learn but he is up for the challenge! He sees room for improvement and there is growth there and that's exciting. There just didn't feel like there was where he was before. Most of all, it's good that he's happy!
Being that Madison just had a birthday she is also old enough for preschool next year, but I have decided to keep her home. Mostly because I have a few friends who are doing kindergarten with their kids and have let me know it's pretty easy and great for them. I like it because I won't have to worry about loading up Madison and the twins twice a day or worry if someone is available to pick her up or take her everyday either. Granted she will be in other programs and active at church, etc because this girl is a socialite and needs the interaction! :) I don't know if I will continue home school beyond preschool because she is a socialite and it would be nice to have time with the boys; but we will see.
Alright, I will really try to update more so these aren't so long. :)
Enjoy! Until next time!

Updates and Blessings!

So, I wanted to update, sorry it's been a couple of months; I'll try to update more! I celebrated a birthday since my last post and I took it amazingly well. I hated having only one daughter wishing me a happy birthday, but I knew Hailey was probably looking down on us and having her own little "party" for me. :) Valentine's Day wasn't too bad, I don't really get much into it anyway, and it's more fun for school aged kids anyway; so that may be when it hits me; along with the whole year Hailey would be starting school etc.
So, after losing Hailey we were told to wait 6 months until we could start trying.Well, we decided that since I would have a cycle at the 6 month mark we would jump the gun a little; figuring we wouldn't get pregnant right away. Well, apparently God's plan played out, not ours. I was totally okay with it taking a few months to get pregnant like it had with Madison and Hailey. Apparently that was not the case this time. As time got closer for my cycle to start (sorry tmi); I got all anxious, like we do when we are trying. I was on one of my group pages for trying after a loss, and was hesitant to test because I have tested before only to have basically wasted it. Well, the night before I would be 'late' I told Jason to pick up a cheap test just for fun and see what happens. Getting a cheap one, helped in case it was a 'wasted' one. Well, after he came home around 2am; because of his work schedule; I had had some water and was ready for the test. Well, it pretty much turned instantly! It was positive but I decided to wait the allotted time just to be sure. After checking it again and still very much positive I showed Jason. We were both VERY surprised!! I took pictures and Jason was hesitant for that because he didn't want me posting it for the world just yet. I only showed my friends in my ttc after a loss group. The picture was blurry but many said that 'blurry or not, it very positive'. :) It's funny, because once I got to the place of accepting Hailey was in Heaven and had a peace about it, and was getting closer to time to be able to start trying, all I could think about was wanting to try again and wanting another baby. The instant I found out we were in fact pregnant again, all I could do was worry. It's a lot like any other time you find out you're pregnant after trying, you realize, this is real, this is happening. Well, ironically the day was the day after Valentine's day, so it was pretty neat being close to a holiday. So, Jason and I decided to wait just a little bit to tell people. Of course a few days of that and we were already itching to tell people!! I don't remember for sure what order we told people, but we started with our parents of course and a few of our closest friends! It's funny the reactions. I remember telling my mom and Jason's mom when we were pregnant with Madison and their reactions, and then their reactions with Hailey. Of course this time it was very different! My mom didn't even say anything, she just looked at me; I was like, 'aren't you excited?' She said she was just worried, understandable, because so was I. :) As time goes on, we feel a little better about it, and know that God will take care of it. He provided this, so He will take care of it. Well, to add to the excitement, we had a wedding in Dallas to go to coming up and I had contacted my doctor about the trip to make sure we took the proper precautions, etc to make sure I would be ok. She said we could do an ultrasound before just to make sure everything is ok. So, we go and do the ultrasound and the tech says, "well, let me tell you what I'm looking at," okay, that freaked me out a little because I didn't know what to think. She goes on to say, "there are two babies". What?! Wow! We couldn't believe it and Jason literally stood up and stepped closer to the screen to make sure. Then he sent my mom a message telling her we were coming by her work after the doctor because we needed to talk to her, she didn't know what to think either. We had already planned on seeing Jason's parents later that evening, so we planned on sharing with them that night. We proceeded to pass it along to those that knew we were pregnant. One of my mom's first things in regard to the twins, is that it is definitely God because there aren't twins in my family. Of course over time, we seem to think maybe it could be from twins we remember or discover in the family line. Regardless, it is God. Of course it's not like we are getting two to replace Hailey; that will never happen because even with the twins we will now have 4 children! Which is ironic because I always said I didn't want 4, because I am one of 4 and I know what that's like. I also said 2 would be ideal, and here we'll have 3 and one 1 in Heaven. Just to show, God has a plan, no matter what ours is. It's not up to us. It is up to us to follow Him and have faith in Him, beyond that, it's pretty much out of our hands.
Granted I am still nervous and anxious, because I don't know what's to come. It is funny because the natural reaction to twins, is oh, my; double the diapers, double the everything. Well, I am ready, I am going to embrace it! God didn't take Hailey without knowing we could handle it, so I know He isn't providing us with twins without knowing we can handle that as well. Of course, the natural reaction is to want to prepare, bigger car, house, etc. At first I was getting a little worried, more on how that would all fall in place. Needless to say, not only is it too early to be worrying, but it is also isn't something for me to worry about. Just like at first when we lost Hailey I didn't understand why and still am not 100% on what the plan is for it happening and what is to come from it, I am not clear on the plan for this pregnancy and these babies; but I know there is a plan and that is reassuring. All I can do is take it one day at a time and take care of myself and thus these babies.
Of course we have also decided to share with more people about our blessing, because as time went on, we realized the more people that knew the more people could pray. So add us to your prayer list that all will go well. I am naturally antsy for October to be here so I can see my babies and hold them and hopefully hear them cry! So include prayer that our worries will be few and that God will continue to reassure us.
Thank you for reading and thinking of us!
Until next time! :)

Christmas, Etc

Sorry, I haven't been so diligent with this blog as I'd like. :) So, it's almost February! Christmas was pretty good, considering. I think the idea of it and as for our emotions I think we were worse thinking about how hard it would be as opposed to how it actually transpired. Christmas Eve and Day weren't that bad and to say the least we stayed pretty busy and that helped. Whenever we had time to sit down and think about it, we were a little sad. Some of the hardest things for me was at one point we had gone to Toys R' Us to look at some stuff for Madison and walked past the baby section and I was literally fighting tears! It is harder during a holiday that a lot of people focus around the children. It was hard not buying stuff for our baby girl like we should be. It absolutely helped that we have Madison, I know it would have been a lot harder on us if we didn't. Watching her enjoying the lights (wondering what Hailey would have thought of them) and Madison telling us every chance she got what she wanted for Christmas, was such a joy. It's funny the way things work because as I watched Madison take everything in, especially since she is at that age she seems more receptive to everything, I wondered what Hailey would be thinking of it all; the wrapping paper, the lights, Santa, etc. All the while I wonder with a little bit of peace, thinking she is watching from above. One thing that warmed my heart was imagining the view....can you imagine looking down from Heaven at all the Christmas lights! That would be quite a site! We also did amazingly well since it was last Christmas that I gave Jason a special gift letting him know we were pregnant!
New Years was interesting as well, we couldn't decide quite what we wanted to do and opted to stay home, Jason had mentioned he wasn't too excited to 'celebrate' 2011 and I understand, I was wanting to put happy thoughts and wishes to 2012!
As February approaches we are closing in on the 6 month mark; which means we can start trying again. I'm not promising we'll be waiting that long....(we may be trying now). ;) I wanted to start trying last month but my doctor wanted me to wait just to make sure I'm healed up. I decided to 'start' trying now with the thinking that we most likely won't get pregnant right away. It took at least 2 months both times I've been pregnant so far. So, needless to say, hopefully next Christmas or January (or February) we will be hopefully enjoying a new baby in our arms and house!
So, as I've posted these blogs, I've gotten a lot of responses regarding my blog and that I help them see what they can pray for, for us. Well, I've posted a couple of times on Facebook, but to put it all out in words; I have been contemplating what to do job wise. I love Madison's Mother's Day Out and I can always sub there, but with this next pregnancy, I'm not sure what restrictions I may have, etc. I do sometimes worry that I overdid myself when I was pregnant with Hailey and I don't want to do that with the next one. I would love to just stay home, but financially that's not possible right now. So, needless to say for those that have us on your prayer list, please be thinking of us as we start the journey of another pregnancy and that everything goes well, etc. Also be praying for direction for me in my job. I have changed jobs a few times simply because I chose to change it and I want to make sure any changes I make now will be what God wants for us.
Thank you all who continue to support us and think of us; we do still have our hard days but we get by.
Until next time. :)

Thanksgiving.....

So Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. I think Jason and I did surprisingly well! The day itself seemed kinda like a regular day. We usually meet up with Jason's family on Saturdays if everyone is available and always have Sunday lunches with my family, so it just felt like one weekend smashed into one day with a few differences. I am SO thankful for Madison! One of the things that almost got me on Thanksgiving Day was when my dad was doing the prayer before eating and I think said something about being thankful for those with us or something because it got me thinking of Hailey and that she wasn't there. Of course after the prayer Madison is ready to get her food, so I jump right in and don't have a chance to dwell. Not that it would have been a big deal if I cried but, I hate the fuss when we cry like that, so I'm glad Madison kept me busy.
As I've mentioned several times, I am truly at peace with where Hailey is and do realize I will never hold her here on earth again; but I do look forward to the day when I see her in Heaven again. It is interesting, because I was on Facebook yesterday and mentioning that I was thankful that I am alive; it really got me thinking. I could have also lost my life (from what I'm told) if we hadn't made it in time, etc. I cannot imagine if I was already up there with Hailey; sure it'd be nice to know what she's like, but I couldn't imagine not seeing Madison grow up! It's weird when I think of that because it's like trying to pick which child you want to be with.....it's impossible, I want both. :) Someday. It was also interesting because on Thanksgiving Day, with our modern technology, I had my phone handy at the table; probably shouldn't have for many reasons, but I did; one of my new dear friends that is also an 'Angel Mommy' had posted that she was thinking about her fellow mommies that were having their first Thanksgiving since losing their babies and reading all that, almost got me going, but I tried not to dwell in it and instead got into the conversation with my family. :) I am truly thankful for them! Always a good laugh! :)
I think part of doing okay on Thanksgiving is there are many days I imagine what life would be like going places with Madison and a baby carrier, so Thanksgiving was just part of that. I do it everywhere, imagining using a carriage holder/stand at the restaurants, having her sleeping in the next room at lunch, etc. Last week I had been fighting a pretty decent cold and had the wonderful luck of getting a fever so I couldn't make it to work. Being that I am a 'teacher' I had to find a sub. The sub I got a hold of is my friend who had her baby the day Hailey was scheduled to be born. My boss told me she couldn't sub because there wasn't room in the nursery......it kinda hit me because if Hailey had lived her daughter would have just taken Hailey's place for the day. That same sub was in my class Tues because the teacher I usually work with wasn't there. So, she had to step out and feed her baby a couple of times, and I just imagined that it could have been me. It does make me a little sad that it's not; but in my thinking it's not so much that it's not Hailey, it's that it's not any baby of mine. Monday Madison and I went on a playdate with some of our friends who both have 2 children. It is getting hard for me because I just want another baby! I know it can't be Hailey and that's ok, I just wish I could at least be pregnant or trying right now. When we went on our playdate there was a girl in the play place named Hailey; was more like a 'huh' moment than sad. I guess because I'm at the halfway point to being able to try again, and seeing so many having babies, etc it definitely gives me the fever!! There are at least 3 kids in Madison's class at school with baby siblings, I want that to be Madison so bad. I know that God has perfect timing. This is also why we aren't just given patience, we have to learn it; I am certainly learning it! I have been trying to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open in the past few months! God is putting people in my life that need to be there and most of them are people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I was added to an Angel Mommies group on Facebook and added a couple of my fellow 'angel mommies' and someone noted the increase of Oklahomans, one of the administrators is in Oklahoma! Not only that, one of her twins was also Hailey. Granted she lost hers 2 years ago, but it's amazing to see the similarities. I also was recently connected with another angel mommy through a mutual friend. Which really gets me thinking of how extensive God plans people to be in our lives! The mutual friend I 'met' in youth group in church and after hanging out a few times, we realized that her mom used to baby sit my brother and I when we were younger! So the idea that God had us cross paths when we were children, for us to be connect after having our own children....it's amazing! If I hadn't not only known her as a child and 'met' her in youth I would have never met the friend she introduced me to. You could go so many ways with things like that if we really thought about it!
Granted, so far Halloween and Thanksgiving have been good.....Christmas will be crazy! It will be different because we will all be sitting around, opening our respective presents except for one.....not to mention, that I found out right before Christmas that I was pregnant! It will be hard, but I have a good group around me and know we'll get through it. Of course next summer will be super emotional too; especially because I hope to be pregnant then so that will be fun. :)
Anyway, we're hanging in there. I did also want to mention, in case it wasn't clear, Jason is not straying from God in anyway, he is just having a hard time dealing with losing Hailey and the questions that might come with it. Granted a lot of it is similar to what I went through, we just did it at different times. Like I did mention in my previous post a lot of it is dealing with the fact that we lost Hailey and so many out there have children that do not take care of them. Which, is frustrating to see regardless.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know how we are doing and how we did during the holiday. Also, that we are thankful for what we have. I keep Hailey's picture (and Madison's) and piece of her blanket around my neck (close to my heart) at all times and I love feeling like she is always with me and someday I will see her and play tickle fight with her!
Until next time...

Faith and the Holidays

I had a really great post in my head the other day but it was right before I fell asleep and was comfy in bed so I didn't write it down or anything and don't remember it exactly but I'll try. :)
So, each day is still a journey and I am pretty much at a point where I'm waiting for my body to be healed to try for another. In the mean time I've been working on my relationship with God. Always a good thing. :) My thinking lately has been in the line that God has a reason for everything, and since I believe He has a reason for taking Hailey and hopefully something bigger in store; I keep wondering what was the reason, what has He got planned for us? It can be hard to wait sometimes but I know in the end it will be worth it! The other night, Jason and I were talking and it's interesting because it seems like he is at a different place, at least spiritually he is just having a hard time with why God decided to take Hailey. Especially when you hear about people in the news who do horrible things to their children. It is hard. It got me thinking too; what is the reasoning behind people like us and the many people I know that lose their babies and then the many people out there who have kids who don't deserve them and do not treat them very well or take care of them like they should have them  alive and healthy. A lot of this conversation came up because it was the day the Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child. I think it's nuts regardless of my situation! She doesn't need to have another mainly because of her age. I personally think she should enjoy the children she has and the grand baby she now has. I don't see how she can know her children like those who have less. It is her body, her life, her choice, her belief.  It just makes it hard for those who have lost to hear because she is able to have that many children and we have to lose ours. Regardless, I just hope they truly are doing what God has planned for them and listening to Him, etc. Like I mentioned, God has a reason for everything, I just hope (especially since they are on tv; by choice) that they truly are doing what God wants and not just saying that and actually just doing what they think God would want them to do. Life in general is truly put into perspective when you lose someone, especially when you lose someone young and even more before they even took a breath! It definitely gives you perspective spiritually. You can go one way or the other, I just much rather choose to go with God. I would much rather live for God and be wrong than have gone against God and be wrong about that! I could go on and on about what I believe, etc, but I won't. :) In perspective God chose to let me live, because in my situation, had things gone differently, I might not be here. I have to trust in Him and keep my faith. I am always praying for Madison that someday she does follow Him and will pray for our other children. A lifetime is nothing compared to eternity! I want to spend eternity as a family, not just a lifetime!

Okay, I know it's unrelated, but I just remembered I hadn't posted about Halloween. It was actually our first big Holiday without Hailey. I had planned on the girls being Princess and the Pea for Halloween, I was going to get Madi some kind of princess outfit or use her dress up clothes and get a cute pea costume for Hailey. I will probably never get to do that, but that's okay. I figured since I'd been doing good with things that I would do okay at least for Halloween and for the most part I did. Halloween itself I did completely fine. I don't think the idea never occurred to me or it just didn't hit me, I'm not sure. Maybe because it felt like any other Halloween. Although, what did get me was the Thursday before at Mother's Day Out we had a costume parade and it was cute, chaotic and fun! All the kids came in their costumes and a little bit later in the morning we walked the kids around the church and by the school. I was okay keeping our kids in a line of sorts and about halfway through, I guess maybe I saw the babies, I don't it just hit me that Hailey should be there too, in a cute little costume!! I had to do everything I could to not just bust out crying right there in the middle of the parade. We got through it and got everyone situated but once we were at a point I could step out, I went to the bathroom and cried! I just had to. I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand. :) I actually pass Madison's class whenever I go to the bathroom and she happened to be close to the door after I had been in the bathroom, so I stopped to get a hug from her. Her teacher noticed my eyes and asked if I was ok, I told her I was, and she gave me a hug. I think she understood. I don't really feel like Thanksgiving will be that bad, I guess because it's a lot like our Sunday lunches except on a slightly bigger scale with specific food plus an extra meal thrown in with my in-laws. :) Christmas will be really hard. I found out right before Christmas last year that I was pregnant and not opening presents for my new baby; I am completely expecting to break down in the middle of it. We will see. I am hoping next Christmas will be easier, and if everything goes well, I will either be expecting or have a new baby next Christmas. :) I will try and do better with my posts and will definitely post after Thanksgiving and let you know how it goes. :)
Until next time.

Hope

Well, Ironically we watched part the first couple of episodes of Raising Hope on Netflix; then I listened to last Sundays sermon from the website and he was talking about hope. Our pastor even mentioned me and it certainly left me thinking about our situation. Talk about the sermon speaking to you. ;) Anyway, so I wanted to give an update since I don't think I hit on that too much in the past two posts. I had an interesting week at work; as far as where I am with dealing with everything. We only had a two day week instead of three because of Fall Break. Tuesday, I felt like it was a normal day, like we've been doing this for weeks. :) I felt like I was back in my routine and I loved it! Wednesday my friend who had her baby the day I was scheduled to have Hailey was subbing in another class. I knew that day would come and mainly felt fine with it. To me she is still just my friends baby and I don't associate Hailey with her unless I specifically think about it. At one point I had walked pass the class room during nap time to go get some ice or something. Of course since I was by myself in the hall (all the classes were in nap time) I thought about it. My main thing is just that I just want a baby so bad! Of course I'd love for it to be Hailey, but I really feel like I am at peace with where she is and just am at terms with the fact that God needed her more for a bigger purpose. I was just so ready to have a baby the day I found out I was pregnant with her; so now that I am settling into my new normal I ache even more for that baby. Of course I think it's part of my genetics as a mom, woman and from my family to worry.....what if, what if we lose the next one too. I have that thought a lot; it's human. As a Christian, God tells me; "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 So I am putting my faith in God that we will have another healthy baby. It is interesting when I pray now, we are taught to ask God for our hearts desire; for me it's always hard to ask for something so selfish, at least I feel like it's selfish. Granted, I asked for Hailey. That's the thing about faith, yes I wanted Hailey and miss her like crazy and still cry when I think about it; but I have complete faith that He took her for a reason and He has a plan and we will get through it! The good thing is I feel like He is already showing me how He has been present and answering prayers. Right after we lost Hailey, I heard from pretty much everyone I talked to, and people still tell me they are praying for me. EVERY TIME I hear those words, my heart warms! I have truly felt those prayers have been working! God has placed people in our lives even before we knew why they were there. He has also showed me that by answering all those prayers and helping us heal in this time He has also helped us to be a witness! I love telling people how He has showed me how valuable people are in our lives and how valuable life it! You always realize it when you attend a funeral or hear someone is sick; but I feel like it makes you REALLY question things when you lose a child. Especially with young children and babies. Most people, when they find out they are pregnant and go through the pregnancy, especially as long as I did, expect they'll go to the hospital and deliver a healthy happy baby. I think God gives us these hurdles to remind us, it's not always easy, it's not always simple; you have to have trust and faith and hope He will guide you through! When times are tough, you may not want to get up and face the world, but if you wake up each day and say, "thank you Lord for another beautiful day" it will be easier. Trust me, I've had many days where I just get so frustrated, when I have one of those days that you drop everything, you mess up everything and start to feel like nothing is going right! Step back, take a deep breath say a short prayer and you'll feel better! I have even (on those days) when I stop to take a breath think, "God is in control" things may still seem rocky, but they don't seem so bad with God.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Until next time.

The Day We Found Out....

So I previously mentioned I would post about the day we found out we were pregnant. So, here it goes.
Naturally, I'll start with Madison; I completely love both stories, but Madison being our first it was pretty neat. We'd been trying for only a couple of months and somehow even before I took the test, I just knew. I don't know if it was because of anything physical (except the obvious) but mostly just internal. First of all, I am like clock work, so if I'm late, I notice. :) So that is one reason I figured I might be; I nervously got up early to take the home test. I waited, anxiously, each minute felt like 20! Finally the result was in and I couldn't believe it! Even as we told people I didn't believe it until the lab at the doctors office said it was. :) Well, the BEST part of the story was when I went into tell Jason, he was still asleep (it was a Sunday morning) and I woke him up and said that either I was pregnant or we were going to have a baby. He had the biggest grin on his face!!! I loved it! Yes, ultimately were still in shock and couldn't believe we were actually going to be parents!! The funny thing is we were sooo excited we couldn't wait to tell everyone. I sure wish we had and done something neat, we just couldn't wait. So, we called our parents and family and a few friends. I don't think we got a hold of our parents first, but I don't think it mattered! EVERYONE was soo excited for us. I think our parents were a little nervous because they are our parents and they just hope we'll be okay financially, etc; but at the same time...they're going to be grandparents!! For mine Madison was their 4th and for Jason's it was their 1st!! :) I vaguely remember much after that, until my belly started showing. Which I did check constantly because I had no idea what to expect so it was fun to take that journey! I actually worked downtown at the time so it ended up being a pretty good thing because I had to walk to the courthouse regularly, etc; so I got plenty of exercise! Of course as we got closer to my due date which happened to be Mother's Day that year, we discovered Madison wasn't going to turn....imagine that stubborn from the womb! ;) So we scheduled a c-section the Friday before, I worked up to that day and lucky me; I was still in the hospital on Mother's Day! I LOVED my first Mother's Day, mainly because I had her and got to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I especially loved that everyone came to me! :) I naturally still treasure every one since!
So, with Hailey, after Madison turned 2 we started talking about when we'd like to have another. I think we started trying a few months after. It took us a little longer with Hailey, I think because we were trying. ;) Not to mention with Madison I was on webmd constantly, charting, etc; so I'm surprised it wasn't more stressful. :) Instead it seemed to be more stressful the second time. I made myself crazy every month when I took the test. I think I got so worked up one month I was confused by the test because I was late but the test was negative. I think the stress made it late. So I decided I would just relax from then on out and about 2 months later; right before Christmas, I took a test. Nervous yet again, each minute slowly ticking by; until finally, it was positive!! I had already decided this time would be different because of how we did it with Madison. I actually had to go to work that day. I think it was the Wednesday before Christmas. It was torture because I decided not to even tell Jason. I thought it would be cool to tell him Christmas day. I even decided to wait until after we had seen all our families so he wouldn't give anything away. Of course there probably were some hints since we were 'trying'. :) So, first of all that day at work was nuts; I couldn't think about anything else! I did my best to focus on work but in between customers all I though about was having 2 kids!! I was hoping for a boy because we even wanted Madison to be a boy but of course were thrilled when we found out both were girls. We could still have a boy. :) Well, Christmas Eve we do our Christmas with my family and I was just sitting there thinking how the next Christmas would be different with another baby around, etc; and it was so hard to not just shout it out! The next morning I wanted to tell Jason, but after we did our Christmas with Madison his parents were coming by, and I still didn't want to ruin it. So most of Christmas day was torture. After they left I wanted to tell him, but for some reason I waited. So, a few hours later; I went and got my hidden package and had Madison give it to him. I had taken a picture of the stick (instead of giving him the stick) and put a pacifier in a little gift box. He opened it and it took him a minute to realize what it meant. He said, "we're going to have another baby?" I clarified, yes and he was in shock for a few more hours (maybe even days). I was soooo relieved to tell someone! For some reason we waited about a month to tell everyone else. We did secretly tell a couple of close friends first just to get it off our chest, but we told our parents before we told the world! ;) I of course had Madison in a 'big sister' shirt and showed our parents. It took Jason's parents a second to realize what it said and kind of my mom too. Although I don't really blame them, I sewed it on a regular shirt and it was kind of hard to read. :) They gave pretty much the same response as with Madison, the nervousness about raising another baby, but also excitement! It was funny too because I was almost sure Hailey was a boy because the pregnancy was so different! I had so much morning sickness and heartburn with Madison and none of that with Hailey! In fact I never went into labor with Madison because she was breach. If you've read Hailey's story, I did have braxton hicks and ultimately went into labor. So, maybe the next pregnancy will be completely different from both! :) We shall see.
I do wonder how the next one will be. Most stories I've heard the rainbow babies are the opposite gender as the one lost. So maybe we'll get our boy. Although, I am completely torn because I was so set on another girl; being able to reuse so many things! I have loved having hand-me-downs for Madison from her cousins and was excited to do that with Hailey too; especially since I have a niece that was also born in August so her hand me downs would be the right season; where Madison's matched about half the time. So, of course then the thought came to me, what if we have twins? Yep, that would be crazy! It would be chaos, but I would completely embrace it as long as they were healthy! God knows what He's doing. Which is sooooo tricky sometimes! I know He does; and I fully trust Him, but I worry that it's part of His plan to take the next one as well. I now know I could probably handle it....maybe that would be 2 angels. It would be hard and would break my heart, but I would get through it with God and the support around us like we have with Hailey. Granted I don't want that, and hope and pray that is not part of His plan, but I am simply human and can only ask that He not take the next one. So, I will just trust in Him until the end.
Anyway, so those are my stories. :) I hope you enjoyed them!
Apparently I am quite a night owl and it's starting to drive me crazy, I was on a decent schedule there for a while. I'm trying to get back on it. The main reason I'm up tonight is I've made a decision; a decision I've made several times, but I REALLY want to stick to it this time! As I've mentioned before I am a mark. representative (they are a division of Avon, for those who don't know). I am not as into that stuff as I was before. Losing a child truly puts things in perspective for you! Well, my ultimate goal is still the same and I wanted to do it with mark. but that has changed. My goal is to be able to work from home in some capacity so I can stay home and still have an income. My current situation helps with that a lot because I am home 4 days a week and only work 3. Plus I can bring Madison (and any other children we have) to work with me! So, I decided tonight I am going to build up my Etsy page and do that! With Pintrest and me being so fascinated with Etsy lately for some kind of birthstone ring, etc; that's what I want to do!! I recently made some fabric bags you store your plastic bags in for work. We use plastic bags at work for the diapers in each class; so I made a fabric bag for each class! I also recently made a fabric trash bag for Jason's truck. I also have some reusable sandwich bags I sometimes use for school. So that will be some of the things I will have. I do have a few bags in my store right now and I'm not impressed. :) I want to do better. I may try to give those away, even though at the price they are; I practically am! ;) So, be looking out for that!
Until next time!

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

So I wanted to share my day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I had debated what I wanted to do. I wanted to do something for all the angels I knew of in heaven. I had heard about some angel mommies painting rocks; so that's what I chose to do; plus I knew it would be something Madison would be able to help with. She loves painting lately, so it was a fun project for us. Of course being a little bit of perfectionist, she had to have her own rocks because I was afraid she would mess something up. :) So after lunch we went out and found some rocks that would work to be painted on, washed them off and got to painting. I felt like I needed bigger rocks or 'write' smaller. :) Ultimately it turned out well and like anything I was just loving getting to honor my friends babies! I absolutely felt like Hailey and her friends were watching over us today and just smiling down on us because they loved us and knew we were in good hands and doing well because we knew they were watching over us. Yes it took up most of my day, but I completely enjoyed it! I actually intended to go to Hobby Lobby and get something to paint (I actually used to do that when I was bored in high school); but since I decided on rocks, didn't feel like I needed to. So, maybe I still will sometime this week and get one of those ceramic plate things and decorate it something about angels and put my rocks on it!
It is interesting to see all the names together because it makes me realize the people around us and how God knew we needed to be together. I love everyone of these people! Even before we lost Hailey I felt like I knew how great it was to have them in my life and now I truly understand! Granted I am extremely grateful for EVERY person in my life, but naturally these will hold a special place in my heart!
I did also light a couple of candles at about 7pm for our angels as well. I like to think all the angels were looking down and seeing them across the world glowing for them. I can only imagine what that looked like!!
Here is the picture of the rocks all painted and below it I will give a brief story (from my perspective) of each. :)

So, I won't be specific, but will tell you a little about the above and how they have impacted me. First I will start with 4 of them that all went to heaven at the same time; a friend of mine whom I had met in high school and we weren't/aren't terribly close, but I think with everything we still have a little bond. I actually found out on my wedding day that she had lost them! I don't know what happened or what her story is, but I remember that and we even decided to go hang out with our friends that night after our wedding (we got the idea from some friends of ours). We actually ran into my friends parents at the restaurant and seeing the tears in their eyes, just broke my heart. How interesting that a day of loss was also a day of joy. Granted I found out pretty early on that day and although I decided I was going to focus on the wedding, they were in the back of my mind that whole day! My heart broke for them. I had no idea what they were dealing with, but I still hurt for them. Although I will add, they now have a set of twins that are pretty close to Madison's age!
Next is actually one closer to me; I lost a niece or nephew. My brother and sister-in-law lost one in between their two girls. It was early on, so we really don't know if it was a boy or girl, but either way I can understand the pain. That is what is amazing, and what many people don't get; yes some say it was an early loss and they may not have "bonded" with them; but that is not entirely true! For me and most women, we bond, plan, dream, etc of that baby the DAY, the MINUTE we find out we're pregnant!! This one also makes me think that maybe it was one of those that if that hadn't happened we wouldn't have my brother's second daughter. I CANNOT imagine the world without her!! That girl is full of life and personality!! Not to say any of my nieces are any less, it's just amazing! :)
Naturally my friend I've mentioned many times that had triplets and lost two of them are included in this. I can only think to begin where their story begins! She was admitted the day they found out they were all girls and she was on bed-rest for awhile. We actually went to see them during their hospital stay (before the babies were born) and that was interesting because Madison was only a few months old! I remember hearing what happened and kept up with everything she posted. I reached out to her any way I could and tried to give her space and let her contact me when she needed me because again, I had no idea what she was dealing with, but I hurt for her soo much! Looking back and having been through it, I kind of wish I had been a little more adamant but that's not my personality and I didn't want to intrude or come off in a bad way. I just hope knowing that I was there if she needed me helped. I know that has helped me from the many that continue to reach out. I feel awful for not reaching back, but I honestly don't know what I'd reach for. Not to mention most of the time it's really weird hours or times that it hits me!
Next I'll mention a very interesting one. Being a mark. rep, there is a forum where you can post questions, ideas, etc about the business and products. They also have a board where you can post about things unrelated to mark. Several months back I posted about names, wanted to broaden our resources for ideas of names. Even though we had it narrowed to a couple I wanted to make sure. Well, of course after everything happened I posted what happened and when I went back to check posts after; there was an interesting one. Another rep had been through the same thing! She said she even had to go back and post about her loss as I did. Although she has since had a rainbow baby, so she will be a good resource; but it has helped to have yet another who understands what I'm going through. Not to mention it's amazing how close you can feel to someone you've never met when we share something like this!
Next is one that I had mentioned in my previous post. She had found out a little after I did and lost it at 12 weeks and had her due date this past week. I do actually kind of hope we will be pregnant at the same time again and have our healthy rainbow babies close together. I still remember the day she told me what happened, she has one of those personalities that you just can't help smile around her no matter what she's talking about. She mentioned it so matter of factly it actually kind of threw me off! It was one of those moments that right after she walked away, I thought, what did I just say? I wish I would have hugged her or said something else. Either way, I think with time it doesn't matter what I said, but that I'm working on being there if she needs it will help. It's funny too because with our loss, I am finding we have a couple of more things in common (nothing big) but we are pretty close in age, a little less than a year apart and our oldest children are the same age. Granted she has boys and I have a girl. :) We also both love crafts and sewing! So maybe this is something to bring us closer; we'll see. :)
One of the babies is from a friend I went to church with I apparently knew before we met again in youth group, we just didn't know until later. She has 4 boys and I think the one she lost was either between the first and second or second and third. I remember hearing about it and as with all the others, I hurt for them and my heart broke! I believe hers was before I was married or close to it. I truly had no idea what she was dealing with, but I could only imagine. Being a close friend, it didn't matter to me that I didn't understand, I still hurt because my friend hurt!
Another of my friends from church actually lost hers this year, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she had gone in for surgery or something that led to the surgery. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about her loss so I'm not sure if it's hit her since she didn't know until it was lost. I am sure she still feels the pain that one was lost. I still felt for her as well when she told me about it.
Finally is a friend that went to our church for a short while in high school. I think we hung out a few times, mostly during youth group functions. I didn't even know she had lost one until after I'd lost Hailey; of course we had just reconnected through Facebook while I was pregnant. She also had a son right after losing her twins. I definitely felt her pain when she mentioned that to me, because when I found out I totally understood!
It's funny how we go through life and when we hear about certain things we think, 'that will never happen to me' or 'I hope that doesn't happen to me'. I can't say I didn't think that when I heard most of these stories, but even then I knew that if it did God would take care of me and He would have a reason. Maybe that's why I have handled Hailey's loss like I have. Not to mention having all of these incredible people in my life!!! It is interesting that most have had children after or already had children. Maybe that's what makes it hard is knowing that the other went so well, but that one didn't. That's where faith and peace come in! God has a plan and a reason, we have to trust and have peace that they are watching over us!
I did want to also mention, as I was saying earlier that we as women (or at least I have), plan and dream of and for our babies the minute that stick has a plus sign or two lines or whatever! I very clearly remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Hailey. We'd been trying for a few months and I got worked up every time I took the test! So when it was positive I was thrilled!! I was going to go into my whole story of how I told Jason, etc; but I think I'll save that for another blog and include the story of when we found out with Madison...I love both stories!! You will too :)
So for those who haven't been there and can't relate, it doesn't mean you can't still reach out and be our friend! If you at least try, that means the world to me (us)! There will be times we'd rather talk to someone who understands, but most of the time, I'm happy just talking about it to anyone who will listen.
Until next time.

Work and Blessings

So I've been at work for about 2 weeks now and it has gone really well. I have surprised myself! The first day was a little tricky because for one thing I was in a different class room than when I left so I had a new routine to learn. Second, I think I kind of psyched myself up a little; but mainly I did pretty well! My main concern was seeing a friend and her baby because we worked together at the MDO and were pregnant together and were even scheduled for the same time! So I was worried that seeing her baby or even her would remind me of Hailey and upset me. Ultimately the opposite was true! She didn't have the baby the first time and when I saw her it was like seeing her any other time and it didn't get me worked up! Today she had the baby with her and even that was like seeing her with her baby! No big deal! I'm very glad it went that way. It is interesting too because most days I don't think about Hailey as the baby I lost I think of Hailey as my angel in Heaven watching over me! I love that!
It has also been fun to see and hear Madison's terms and versions of where Hailey is and what happened. Tonight, for example, we were sitting outside enjoying the night and Madison was sitting on my lap. I squeezed her and she asked my why. I told her I wouldn't get to squeeze Hailey like that until I was in Heaven with her. Madison said, "when I was a baby and I died...." I corrected that. I cannot fathom what that thought process is to go there. She did follow that statement with something about waking up and growing, growing. Their thought process is interesting! Well, while we were outside, we were saying what we could hear. We were sitting on the front porch so we were talking about the wind chimes. Madison then told me what Hailey was saying! She told me Hailey said she misses me and told Daddy she loves him. My heart melted! I love that idea in every way!!! The fact that Madison said it like she really heard that and the fact that she thought that up! Although I kind of like to think it's true! :) Also, earlier today we were walking in somewhere while running errands and I told Madison (because she said she was bringing her Hailey bear in with her; which she takes everywhere) I wish we were really taking Hailey with us, that she were here to do that. Of course Madison with the solution, we can pretend and she even said, "see, she's walking with us". I did tell Madison that she was watching over us in Heaven, though.
This journey has been pretty wild! So many emotions, so much of everything! It's also interesting to get other people's perceptions! A lot of people I encounter expect me to be so emotional I cry at the sight of any baby and have a hard time talking about it. I cannot honestly contribute the way I handle it to anyone other than God! I still thoroughly believe all the prayers helped me in the beginning! I still worry how Jason is handling it because he doesn't talk as much as I do! I'm not sure if I get it from my mom or dad, but I have actually been quite the talker about the Hailey thing lately! It is quite funny, too because most of the time I can see when I'm talking to someone that they are almost surprised how much I talk about it and how well I deal with it. I feel like most moms that want to talk all day about their kids, unfortunately I only have the time I had with Hailey, the rest is mostly about what I was planning for her and what I imagined it would be like with Madison and Hailey. Not to mention, the awareness! Obviously I'm aware it happens and worried that it could at any time, and I by no means think we should all be overly paranoid we just need to be aware. Like my mom and I were saying earlier; we're okay now, it's the 9 months of the next pregnancy we'll be worried/anxious.
I did want to mention my doctor's office called the other day; they had taken blood the last time I went to run some tests and the lab was back. They wanted to see if I had anything that might have contributed to the abruption in my blood. There was nothing abnormal. Everything was fine. Which is good and bad. Good because we know it's not that, bad because we don't know what. Although I am hoping this means the likelihood of another abruption is pretty slim! Although, the funny thing is I had a thought this week; I can't decide if I really want a boy or girl next and thought, well what if God gives us one of each? Twins? Yes it would be a blessing, but also crazy! Talk about God doesn't give you more than you can handle. :) I will honestly be happy either way! As long as whatever it is it's born healthy and lives a long healthy life! :) At least as long as God intends! I had a friend tell me the other day that there is a reason for everything and it was funny because I believe it to be completely true! It's hard to decifer the crime and bad things that happen, but at least with this Hailey thing, I believe it's for something bigger; something greater! It definitely makes you think about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! :)
So, I won't be specific, but I wanted to mention a few other people and how it's helped on my journey (at least this month). A couple of weeks ago I had a friend on Facebook, who had her baby and during her stay ending up going through several procedures and literally had to have things done to save her life; it scared me because she had a new baby (not to mention her other children) and her life was in the balance for a while. The funny thing about Facebook is you only get so much information; understandably so, but it can also be frustrating. Yes I could have tried to call her, but it's been so long since I've talked to her and only barely met her family I figured I'd wait it out. Either way, I prayed every time I thought about her! Things are really put into perspective when you go through tough times. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant about the same time I did; a little after and she lost it early on; her due date is coming up and I felt like I needed to make her something or at least do something for her! I made her a bracelet and she loved it. I just am happy she liked it. I was worried about her reaction, and honestly am okay if she just keeps the bracelet in her jewelry box or whatever. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. She has been one that has truly made me realize that even though it was a miscarriage, it's still a loss. Yes maybe she didn't have as much time with that baby, but she still had the dreams, the ideas, the plans. I have always been afraid of a miscarriage or something and now that I've lost a baby, I still worry! One of my best friends just mentioned she's pregnant and I am so excited for her! I am amazed, how I feel about it! I thought I would be hurt or upset, but I'm not! I was bummed that we wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, but that's okay. I am worried and will be praying her pregnancy goes well and the baby is healthy! Every day the people I encounter there is ultimately a purpose these people are in our lives! Like the friends we have that have lost 2 babies also, who knew that these two people who worked together years ago and decided to have a couples night would be where we are now? Also who knew that all the people in my life right now would be exactly who I needed? God knew and He made sure everyone was where they needed to be! It's also interesting that two of my friends that lost babies have children Madison's age so maybe that's part of it; maybe the bigger plan is for them, not necessarily us! God knows and is always at work and someday we will see the big picture but we'll have to take the little pieces for now. :)
I am SOOO grateful for where I am in my life; the people in my life! I am blessed and will thank God for everything He has given me and will continue to do so. He has put me down this path for a reason and although I do miss Hailey tons and would love to hear her cry right now; I know He has a reason for it and someday I will hold her again!
Until next time!

Processing

Well, I just wanted to update a little. Not much has changed as far as my day to day. I have my bad moments as expected but I do still have a peace that feels like it's there all the time; even in my hard times. I still hurt and always miss my little girl! I've just decided it mainly stinks because she's there and I'm not and I'm here and she's not. I am enjoying every precious moment I have here on earth and with my family and friends; although I cannot wait to see Hailey again, and all those there with her.
Last week I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up and everything looks good and she said when I am emotionally ready to work, I was physically ready. I actually think I could have gone to work the week before that! It was getting hard to be home alone so much especially when I was supposed to be taking care of Hailey. I think I was also just getting stir crazy. I did have a few questions for her; but I will a whole lot more when we get pregnant next time. :) It will be a wild ride, but I'm up for the challenge. :)
Also, for some reason I have been completely obsessed with looking for jewelry; mostly rings and all birthstone colors! I found a really neat ring on Etsy that is Hailey's birthstone. It was a really good price and I was a little hesitant to pay too much for handmade; but none the less I did find some that I liked at Zales. I had originally planned (even when I was pregnant with Hailey) to buy a mother ring; but seeing that I'd want at least 3 stones I'd have to wait for the next one to even think about it. Instead I've gotten fascinated with the stackable rings; so that's what I've been looking at on Zales. Everywhere has some decent ones; I did even find some on Amazon that weren't too bad, I just wanted to be able to pick it out and see it instead of wait for it; which made it so tricky with my Etsy order, but it turned out very well! :)

I figured more for the emotional, but I had planned all along to go back to work today. So I went back to work today! It was pretty crazy, we had a few changes and the only thing that really got me about going back to work was when I was getting things ready the night before, because I wasn't getting things ready for 3 of us. Getting there and going in felt pretty normal since I'd done it so many times just the two of us and with me being in a different class than when I left kept me a little distracted so that helped. Plus I had to learn about each child in my new class so that kept me busy too. :) Ultimately as I felt before I still feel the same; I missed it! I love playing with the kids! I love seeing what fascinates them, at all ages! :)
We also had a play date with our friends who have had a loss as well. They have a daughter Madison's age. They played so well, they get along so great! I know that since they have both lost sisters that maybe it will help them bond even more and maybe someday will help them through a tough situation. It was also nice to talk with her mom, my friend. I guess I'm just a talker in general, so through this process it has helped to talk as much as I can; and it helps that much more when you talk to someone who has been through what you've been through. That is always true for any situation. I have found a few people on the support website and one from the mark. forums which helps talking online, etc. For some reason it seems a little different and reassuring having somone in person you can have around. It definitely has me excited to try the support groups. I haven't decided if I would go without Jason, so I'm going to try to get him to go as well. I think it would be great for us as a couple and in general. I did get a pamplet from my doctor for counselors, I haven't called any yet; I want to make sure we can afford it. :)

Madison playing hopscotch with Hailey :)

I have also been going back to church pretty regular and it helps a lot; it just shows me and reaffirms that He is watching over us, He is giving me peace. I love it for that and to see that everyone there does love us and cares about us and continues to support us.
Also, wanted to mention it should be fun this weekend, Jason and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage! It's amazing! I can't believe it's been five years; in a good way, of course! Which means we'll have been together 9 years! Not to mention being friends years before that! We've been through a lot and still in it for whatever may continue to come our way. We have definitely grown a lot in many ways. ;) I still love him as much as the day we got together! :)

Until next time. :)

Crossroads?

So, I feel like I am slightly at a crossroads or something. I don't know if it has been an answer to prayer or something else, but I have definitely felt like God did need Hailey more than me, and that is why she is in Heaven. Granted that may sound a little crazy, but He is God and anything that He does is for a greater purpose!! I have had such a peace with this realization. Granted many may disagree and I am not even sure I'm right, but at this point I don't care too much because it makes me feel so much better with this idea! Everytime I am thinking about how I miss her, I immediately push the idea aside because she is with Jesus watching over us! Even when we were in Stillwater today, I was a little sad because the last time we went up there she was with us because we wanted to go one last time before we had the baby. I did not get emotional or anything. It's almost like every time I thought about it, another thought came into my head saying 'it's okay'. I don't know if this is just me being on autopilot and somehow trying to supress my emotions or God giving me peace. I also like to note I am not one that reads my previous posts before typing a new one so if I repeat myself or anything; sorry. :)
Lately, the strange part of things is that I feel like I'm crazy only because I feel like I'm handling it better than I should be (granted I haven't been back to work yet). I get on the support website I've found for stillbirths and talking to family, I feel like I am more okay with things than everyone else. I am not saying I like it, but I am at peace with it.
I go back to the doctor this week for my 6 week check up and have started my list of questions and it's a lot shorter than I thought it would be; mainly because most of my questions pertain to the following pregnancy and I don't know that those questions are anything to worry about right now. I think I'm just anxious about all of it. I guess I'm anxious because I don't know how I should be feeling seeing that I feel like I'm on a different path than everyone else; although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because we all deal with it differently, etc. I'm also very anxious about the next pregnancy because I know it will be emotional and tense. I am going to be a crazy pregnant person too because I am going to try and follow all the rules! No hot dogs, no soda-or at least maybe only a sip a day, no raw eggs-no raw anything, etc. I know sometimes even that may not make a difference, but I've gotta try. I know sometimes I can get myself more worked up about things than I need to be, but I think that is human nature and I reallly try not to. That will also be part of the struggle with the next pregnancy is trying not to stress to much so I don't put that on the baby.
The main reason I feel like I'm at a crossroads is because sometimes I actually feel like I'm just ready to start trying for the next baby but I know that is a ways off physically and probably emotionally; especially with the holidays coming up. I guess that's why I feel like I'm ready because I just want to be at that point to have something else to focus on and be past the emotions of the holidays.
I do still absolutely have my rough days! I still have moments I just want to cry! I was even watching Tangled with Madison the other day and literally got teary eyed at the end when they reunited! Although I didn't get too upset because I know someday I will be reunited with her, which might be hard too because Madison may still be here on earth; even though that is the natural order is for me to go before Madison. I just want my girls together and someday we will all be a big family together! It is just interesting being in this mind set. Every mother I look at with little ones, I wonder if they know how blessed they are? I know now how lucky I am we had Madison! For all I know this could have been a possibility with her. I also pray that our kids do come to know the Lord so that we can be with Hailey and together in Heaven. I had that realization a while back that I want to make sure I make it up there with her. Yes I know it's not by works that we get into Heaven; but I want to live for Him so that when I do get up there I can't say, "well I'm saved so let me in, not matter how I lived". Maybe it's also because of the mother in me that I want to live as an example for my kids. Not to mention since everyone prayed over us since everything happened and feeling that peace and the peace I feel now, how could I not live for Him. Especially with the idea that He has Hailey because He has something bigger in the plans; I want to know what that may be and if I don't live for Him I may never know what that is. The more I study and think on it I feel like the only sure thing we have is if we have Jesus in our hearts we will spend eternity with Him so why not live for the sure thing instead of wavering on the things we aren't too sure about?
Another thing, a lot of people always ask me how Madison is doing; for some reason it always throws me off because she is only 3 and it seems like she's pretty vague on what is going on in general anyway. She has handled everything pretty well. I don't know how much she understands to begin with. I don't even know if she understands what was supposed to happen, in that Hailey was a live baby in my tummy and was supposed to come home, cry and distrupt our routine. :) Not to mention the idea of death is probably way over her head. Sometimes it makes me want to go into child psychology because I really wonder to what level they understand what is going on. Which is always the fun thing about kids. Madison always says things she hears and I can tell when she understands the meaning and when she doesn't based on the way she uses them. Like when I tell her she can't talk to me in a hateful way and she uses it back at me she doesn't understand that she needs to be respectful. So I have to explain it so she'll understand. Whereas last night she was saying she needed to get situated, she used it the right way so she knew what it meant. Yes she knows Hailey died and she's in Heaven, but she asks me how we get to Heaven and if we can go see Jesus and sister. All I can really tell her is that we'll be there someday and it's up in the sky. Like I may have mentioned before, once we bring a live baby home, especially because she'll be older, I am sure she'll put it together that it was different with Hailey and start asking why, etc. I'm starting to pray now that I will know what to tell her then! :)
Anyway, I wanted to update and share where I'm at. I'll post again to let everyone know about the doctor visit and when I go back to work the week after. I'm still working on Jason to see if he wants to post anything.
I have definitely realized everyday is a blessing and am sooooooo greatful for everyone in my life!! Everyday and every time I am around you all I realize God knew what He was doing when he had all of our paths cross!
Our God IS an AWESOME GOD!
Until next time.