I had a really great post in my head the other day but it was right before I fell asleep and was comfy in bed so I didn't write it down or anything and don't remember it exactly but I'll try. :)
So, each day is still a journey and I am pretty much at a point where I'm waiting for my body to be healed to try for another. In the mean time I've been working on my relationship with God. Always a good thing. :) My thinking lately has been in the line that God has a reason for everything, and since I believe He has a reason for taking Hailey and hopefully something bigger in store; I keep wondering what was the reason, what has He got planned for us? It can be hard to wait sometimes but I know in the end it will be worth it! The other night, Jason and I were talking and it's interesting because it seems like he is at a different place, at least spiritually he is just having a hard time with why God decided to take Hailey. Especially when you hear about people in the news who do horrible things to their children. It is hard. It got me thinking too; what is the reasoning behind people like us and the many people I know that lose their babies and then the many people out there who have kids who don't deserve them and do not treat them very well or take care of them like they should have them alive and healthy. A lot of this conversation came up because it was the day the Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child. I think it's nuts regardless of my situation! She doesn't need to have another mainly because of her age. I personally think she should enjoy the children she has and the grand baby she now has. I don't see how she can know her children like those who have less. It is her body, her life, her choice, her belief. It just makes it hard for those who have lost to hear because she is able to have that many children and we have to lose ours. Regardless, I just hope they truly are doing what God has planned for them and listening to Him, etc. Like I mentioned, God has a reason for everything, I just hope (especially since they are on tv; by choice) that they truly are doing what God wants and not just saying that and actually just doing what they think God would want them to do. Life in general is truly put into perspective when you lose someone, especially when you lose someone young and even more before they even took a breath! It definitely gives you perspective spiritually. You can go one way or the other, I just much rather choose to go with God. I would much rather live for God and be wrong than have gone against God and be wrong about that! I could go on and on about what I believe, etc, but I won't. :) In perspective God chose to let me live, because in my situation, had things gone differently, I might not be here. I have to trust in Him and keep my faith. I am always praying for Madison that someday she does follow Him and will pray for our other children. A lifetime is nothing compared to eternity! I want to spend eternity as a family, not just a lifetime!
Okay, I know it's unrelated, but I just remembered I hadn't posted about Halloween. It was actually our first big Holiday without Hailey. I had planned on the girls being Princess and the Pea for Halloween, I was going to get Madi some kind of princess outfit or use her dress up clothes and get a cute pea costume for Hailey. I will probably never get to do that, but that's okay. I figured since I'd been doing good with things that I would do okay at least for Halloween and for the most part I did. Halloween itself I did completely fine. I don't think the idea never occurred to me or it just didn't hit me, I'm not sure. Maybe because it felt like any other Halloween. Although, what did get me was the Thursday before at Mother's Day Out we had a costume parade and it was cute, chaotic and fun! All the kids came in their costumes and a little bit later in the morning we walked the kids around the church and by the school. I was okay keeping our kids in a line of sorts and about halfway through, I guess maybe I saw the babies, I don't it just hit me that Hailey should be there too, in a cute little costume!! I had to do everything I could to not just bust out crying right there in the middle of the parade. We got through it and got everyone situated but once we were at a point I could step out, I went to the bathroom and cried! I just had to. I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand. :) I actually pass Madison's class whenever I go to the bathroom and she happened to be close to the door after I had been in the bathroom, so I stopped to get a hug from her. Her teacher noticed my eyes and asked if I was ok, I told her I was, and she gave me a hug. I think she understood. I don't really feel like Thanksgiving will be that bad, I guess because it's a lot like our Sunday lunches except on a slightly bigger scale with specific food plus an extra meal thrown in with my in-laws. :) Christmas will be really hard. I found out right before Christmas last year that I was pregnant and not opening presents for my new baby; I am completely expecting to break down in the middle of it. We will see. I am hoping next Christmas will be easier, and if everything goes well, I will either be expecting or have a new baby next Christmas. :) I will try and do better with my posts and will definitely post after Thanksgiving and let you know how it goes. :)
Until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment