So, I had my first Mother's Day since losing Hailey. I was pretty okay with it and didn't get very emotional about it. That is until church that Sunday morning. I had forgotten that they usually do the baby dedication on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Jason and I had sat down and were getting acquainted waiting for things to start and I noticed a few people sitting up front, that usually aren't there but didn't think about it. Then I saw the pink and blue gift bags on the stage and started putting things together. I checked the program to make sure, sure enough, there it was. I pointed it out to Jason and lost it. Luckily my grandma was on the other side of Jason and had some tissue. I had a cry and then pulled myself together, but once they did the actual dedication, I lost it again and I'm pretty sure my mom was in tears as well. It just made it hard because Hailey was supposed to be up there. Jason asked if I wanted to step out, but I didn't want to draw attention, so I just endured it. I know most of the emotion was hormones, but I'm sure I would have still been emotional. Jason also kept reassuring me that next year we'll be up there with two. :) I love that guy. :) Days like that it's still hard, yes we have two boys on the way, but I have two girls too. Most days I know she's waiting for us in Heaven and we will see her again, and I do have two blessings growing in my belly; but grief is grief and it's still hard. I can't believe her one year 'birthday' is coming up and I have ideas of what I want to do, but I'm trying to picture how it's going to go. For one, I will be huge, two I will be extremely emotional; but we'll see how it plays out. :) I just can't decide how big or small I want it to be and what exactly I want to do. Through, everything, though, the birthday coming up and the anxiety of being pregnant again, I am beyond grateful for the amazing other moms I have met online and through Facebook! It is so nice having people that get it like no one else. I am also fortunate to have those that don't personally understand what I'm dealing with but are still amazing and supportive!
Well, I officially have a 4 year old now!! Madison turned 4 about a month ago! We decided to give her a surprise party because she LOVES surprises and it went very well!! She didn't know what was going on and her response was that 'you didn't scare me'! LOL, she is so funny! She is getting so big and so grown up! She is a big helper most of the time, but she has certainly had her moments of testing her limits. We've been trying different things, but most of all trying to be consistent and loving instead of screaming and yelling. I learned early on that it doesn't accomplish anything. Plus, I think deep down I knew that to begin with, considering I was just like her as a child. :)
The babies are growing very well and I had my first appointment with my high risk doctor a couple of weeks ago. I was 18 weeks; and am 20 weeks today, so literally 2 weeks. :) Well, being at 18 weeks they can tell the sexes of the babies.......we had lots of speculations, Madison and I wanted one of each and Jason was set that it was 2 girls; I was certainly okay with 2 boys, I think one of each would be great because I was so set on another girl and prepared for a girl for nine months before losing Hailey, so that's where that came in. Well, I ended up going by myself because Jason couldn't get off and I didn't want anyone else to know before him. So luckily I at least got to call him after I was done with my appointment. I was a little surprised when I saw what the babies were; but was happier to see that there were still 2 heartbeats. :) Well, I was texting with him first and confirmed they were both the same gender. I then told him he and Madison were both wrong. I don't know that he caught on, I think he was thinking of a conversation we had had the night before about all the possibilities and I was thinking of his original thoughts. Either way I was able to talk to him and told him, yes we are having two boys!!! BOYS!!! He could not believe it and was still in shock for the rest of the day!! We waited until that evening to tell our parents. We were going to do it the next night, but we couldn't wait so we visited with each set and both were equally shocked. Obviously it will be the first grandsons for Jason's parents, but my mom was pretty excited since she has 4 granddaughters. :) We allll were hoping Madison was a boy; but very excited to see her none the less, and Hailey we kind of figured would be a girl. In fact with the twins, when I walked into my parents and they realized Madison had a shirt on because she waited outside until my parents were ready to show it off, and my mom said, 'let's see those girls'.
This is the shirt she showed the grandparents. I ironed on everything except the gender the night before and added the boys after my appointment.
The more I think on it, I still can't believe we are having boys!! I have very little experience with them, only what I encountered at the Mother's Day Out I was working at. Let alone two at the same time! It's funny because even though I've wanted boys all along, I've really gotten used to girls. Especially with 3 nieces! Hand me downs have been nice, now I have to outsource. :) Although, at this point, I will gladly take it! We are all excited and just anxious for them to be here healthy and happy. I honestly still can't believe we're having two!! We are obviously looking into a bigger place because 2 bedrooms is not going to be enough! I could have handled it with just one baby for awhile, but 2 babies and Madison, are not going to cut it. :) Well, being that that is the case, it makes it hard for me to 'nest' or do anything to get stuff ready, because I have nowhere to 'get ready'. Of course we also still have 2 beds to get; one for Madison and one for the babies. We still have Madison's crib which she is using the toddler bed of now. We have 2 bassinets so we should be fine for a little while, but I like to have it ready when we can. I also know they might sleep together for most of their first months anyway, but I just want to have everything covered. My brother said he still has one stored at his house, so we may be in luck there. Of course both 'cribs' are 3 in 1s so I don't know how I will do that because with two boys I may just do the bunk bed thing down the road. Maybe when they are big enough we'll just do bunk beds and convert Madison's current bed into the full for her and let my brother have his back to sell or whatever. We'll figure it out. I did arrange the car seats in the car the other day to make sure 3 would work comfortably in our sedan and they do; I still want to check with the fire station or something to double check it's all safe, etc. I have also looked into doing cloth diapers this time. I looked a little with Hailey and didn't get far enough to realize they aren't that hard to deal with. It seems a little crazy to do cloth with 2 babies, but I want to try, because as many have pointed out in the long run it will save money. I may also look to make a few myself to cut cost even more. Right now, I'm all about saving money. :) Ironically it does cost a bit to get started, but like most things, that's it. Buy enough to get by with, and wash after they are dirty and I won't need to buy more and more. Even better most are made to grow with the baby so I won't need to buy any even when they are potty training! Granted I'm still in the we'll try and see, so it may get to a point when I give in and go back to disposable, but I think if I find the right ones and get everyone to see what I see, it will be great. I'm sure in the first month or 2 we may have to compromise being that they may be preemie size or really small newborns and may not fit the typical cloth, but I think they have even figured out how to accommodate that, I just need to make sure I do. :)Anyway, I didn't double check, but Jason is at a new job and he loves it!! That is mainly why he couldn't make it to the high risk doctor appointment because he is still in training. He has a lot to learn but he is up for the challenge! He sees room for improvement and there is growth there and that's exciting. There just didn't feel like there was where he was before. Most of all, it's good that he's happy!
Being that Madison just had a birthday she is also old enough for preschool next year, but I have decided to keep her home. Mostly because I have a few friends who are doing kindergarten with their kids and have let me know it's pretty easy and great for them. I like it because I won't have to worry about loading up Madison and the twins twice a day or worry if someone is available to pick her up or take her everyday either. Granted she will be in other programs and active at church, etc because this girl is a socialite and needs the interaction! :) I don't know if I will continue home school beyond preschool because she is a socialite and it would be nice to have time with the boys; but we will see.
Alright, I will really try to update more so these aren't so long. :)
Enjoy! Until next time!
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