So it's been over a week since everything; in fact its almost been two weeks! I go to the dr on Wednesday to get all I can out of her. :) We have had a week of people bringing us food and visiting and what not, so that has definitely helped. My mom has been worried about us getting out enough, and when we got out yesterday to go to the mall, we see nothing but babies! It is all still a process and a journey and we are doing the best we can! We've already had a few moments where we just break down but we have definitely talked a lot so that's helping. I do have hope things will get easier. We do have close friends that share in our experience and it is great to have them to talk to!! They came over this week and it helped to compare stories and just to talk things out! Which is ironic because I was just on a website looking for other moms sharing their stories of their losses and granted all stories are different but I don't think the website is a place for me; I just couldn't find anything that helped in anyway. Plus most stories I came across they lost their babies early, early in their pregnancies, so I definitely couldn't relate. I think that is one of the hard things for me is that I was so close to my due date! I did find one thread of moms who had lost their babies at full term and quite a few had lost them because the cord was tangled around the neck. Great one more thing to be worried about! As I mentioned in the previous post, we have decided to try again fairly soon; I do want to make sure emotionally I can handle it. So I definitely have a lot of questions for the dr and will want a lot of information; and either way I am pretty sure I will be on edge the entire pregnancy! It is definitely an emotional roller coaster; all of it! One of my main focuses right now is to prepare myself for going back to work and seeing the babies, especially because it seems like a lot of people got pregnant around the same time I did. Some already had theirs and some still have somewhere around a month or two to go. Which I think its mainly hard because I waited 9 months to see Hailey and now she's not here and I have to wait 9 plus months to see the next baby; whereas everyone else has their baby now, and it's healthy. I do not have a grudge against anyone! I definitely know the joy they are feeling and I am so happy for all of them; it is just hard for me because I wanted Hailey sooooo bad and she didn't make it. I think I've gotten to the why stage but I am not mad at anyone. From what I've been told, so far, it seems like it was just a random thing that happened and their was no way they could have known, etc. So, really how is it anyone's fault? Also, honestly what good does it do to blame God? I know a lot of people have a hard time with the idea that He took their baby away; but I am a firm believer God doesn't do anything without a plan! Yes it hurts and yes I hate it, but He has a plan; and I may never know or maybe some of it will be revealed in so many years. I just hate that it was so close; that literally hours before her being stillborn I felt her kick and they had her heartbeat on the monitor. Naturally, I wish we could have just had her then, while she was still fine; but I also know dwelling on that doesn't change anything, so I move on. I'm sorry if I've been all over the place on this blog, that's definitely a peak into my mind this week! If we didn't have calendars we wouldn't know what was going on! I am also greatful for Madison because she helps keep my mind functioning because as any parent knows you have to constantly think about what they need for 'today' and frankly 'tomorrow' in case they need laundry, etc.; so that has helped keep me on my toes, not to mention playing with her and the everyday activites with her help us cope as well.
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Baby Hailey
So, I know most everyone already knows, and everyone that follows the blog is already aware; but I felt like I needed to blog.
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.
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