Thanksgiving.....

So Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. I think Jason and I did surprisingly well! The day itself seemed kinda like a regular day. We usually meet up with Jason's family on Saturdays if everyone is available and always have Sunday lunches with my family, so it just felt like one weekend smashed into one day with a few differences. I am SO thankful for Madison! One of the things that almost got me on Thanksgiving Day was when my dad was doing the prayer before eating and I think said something about being thankful for those with us or something because it got me thinking of Hailey and that she wasn't there. Of course after the prayer Madison is ready to get her food, so I jump right in and don't have a chance to dwell. Not that it would have been a big deal if I cried but, I hate the fuss when we cry like that, so I'm glad Madison kept me busy.
As I've mentioned several times, I am truly at peace with where Hailey is and do realize I will never hold her here on earth again; but I do look forward to the day when I see her in Heaven again. It is interesting, because I was on Facebook yesterday and mentioning that I was thankful that I am alive; it really got me thinking. I could have also lost my life (from what I'm told) if we hadn't made it in time, etc. I cannot imagine if I was already up there with Hailey; sure it'd be nice to know what she's like, but I couldn't imagine not seeing Madison grow up! It's weird when I think of that because it's like trying to pick which child you want to be with.....it's impossible, I want both. :) Someday. It was also interesting because on Thanksgiving Day, with our modern technology, I had my phone handy at the table; probably shouldn't have for many reasons, but I did; one of my new dear friends that is also an 'Angel Mommy' had posted that she was thinking about her fellow mommies that were having their first Thanksgiving since losing their babies and reading all that, almost got me going, but I tried not to dwell in it and instead got into the conversation with my family. :) I am truly thankful for them! Always a good laugh! :)
I think part of doing okay on Thanksgiving is there are many days I imagine what life would be like going places with Madison and a baby carrier, so Thanksgiving was just part of that. I do it everywhere, imagining using a carriage holder/stand at the restaurants, having her sleeping in the next room at lunch, etc. Last week I had been fighting a pretty decent cold and had the wonderful luck of getting a fever so I couldn't make it to work. Being that I am a 'teacher' I had to find a sub. The sub I got a hold of is my friend who had her baby the day Hailey was scheduled to be born. My boss told me she couldn't sub because there wasn't room in the nursery......it kinda hit me because if Hailey had lived her daughter would have just taken Hailey's place for the day. That same sub was in my class Tues because the teacher I usually work with wasn't there. So, she had to step out and feed her baby a couple of times, and I just imagined that it could have been me. It does make me a little sad that it's not; but in my thinking it's not so much that it's not Hailey, it's that it's not any baby of mine. Monday Madison and I went on a playdate with some of our friends who both have 2 children. It is getting hard for me because I just want another baby! I know it can't be Hailey and that's ok, I just wish I could at least be pregnant or trying right now. When we went on our playdate there was a girl in the play place named Hailey; was more like a 'huh' moment than sad. I guess because I'm at the halfway point to being able to try again, and seeing so many having babies, etc it definitely gives me the fever!! There are at least 3 kids in Madison's class at school with baby siblings, I want that to be Madison so bad. I know that God has perfect timing. This is also why we aren't just given patience, we have to learn it; I am certainly learning it! I have been trying to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open in the past few months! God is putting people in my life that need to be there and most of them are people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I was added to an Angel Mommies group on Facebook and added a couple of my fellow 'angel mommies' and someone noted the increase of Oklahomans, one of the administrators is in Oklahoma! Not only that, one of her twins was also Hailey. Granted she lost hers 2 years ago, but it's amazing to see the similarities. I also was recently connected with another angel mommy through a mutual friend. Which really gets me thinking of how extensive God plans people to be in our lives! The mutual friend I 'met' in youth group in church and after hanging out a few times, we realized that her mom used to baby sit my brother and I when we were younger! So the idea that God had us cross paths when we were children, for us to be connect after having our own children....it's amazing! If I hadn't not only known her as a child and 'met' her in youth I would have never met the friend she introduced me to. You could go so many ways with things like that if we really thought about it!
Granted, so far Halloween and Thanksgiving have been good.....Christmas will be crazy! It will be different because we will all be sitting around, opening our respective presents except for one.....not to mention, that I found out right before Christmas that I was pregnant! It will be hard, but I have a good group around me and know we'll get through it. Of course next summer will be super emotional too; especially because I hope to be pregnant then so that will be fun. :)
Anyway, we're hanging in there. I did also want to mention, in case it wasn't clear, Jason is not straying from God in anyway, he is just having a hard time dealing with losing Hailey and the questions that might come with it. Granted a lot of it is similar to what I went through, we just did it at different times. Like I did mention in my previous post a lot of it is dealing with the fact that we lost Hailey and so many out there have children that do not take care of them. Which, is frustrating to see regardless.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know how we are doing and how we did during the holiday. Also, that we are thankful for what we have. I keep Hailey's picture (and Madison's) and piece of her blanket around my neck (close to my heart) at all times and I love feeling like she is always with me and someday I will see her and play tickle fight with her!
Until next time...

Faith and the Holidays

I had a really great post in my head the other day but it was right before I fell asleep and was comfy in bed so I didn't write it down or anything and don't remember it exactly but I'll try. :)
So, each day is still a journey and I am pretty much at a point where I'm waiting for my body to be healed to try for another. In the mean time I've been working on my relationship with God. Always a good thing. :) My thinking lately has been in the line that God has a reason for everything, and since I believe He has a reason for taking Hailey and hopefully something bigger in store; I keep wondering what was the reason, what has He got planned for us? It can be hard to wait sometimes but I know in the end it will be worth it! The other night, Jason and I were talking and it's interesting because it seems like he is at a different place, at least spiritually he is just having a hard time with why God decided to take Hailey. Especially when you hear about people in the news who do horrible things to their children. It is hard. It got me thinking too; what is the reasoning behind people like us and the many people I know that lose their babies and then the many people out there who have kids who don't deserve them and do not treat them very well or take care of them like they should have them  alive and healthy. A lot of this conversation came up because it was the day the Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child. I think it's nuts regardless of my situation! She doesn't need to have another mainly because of her age. I personally think she should enjoy the children she has and the grand baby she now has. I don't see how she can know her children like those who have less. It is her body, her life, her choice, her belief.  It just makes it hard for those who have lost to hear because she is able to have that many children and we have to lose ours. Regardless, I just hope they truly are doing what God has planned for them and listening to Him, etc. Like I mentioned, God has a reason for everything, I just hope (especially since they are on tv; by choice) that they truly are doing what God wants and not just saying that and actually just doing what they think God would want them to do. Life in general is truly put into perspective when you lose someone, especially when you lose someone young and even more before they even took a breath! It definitely gives you perspective spiritually. You can go one way or the other, I just much rather choose to go with God. I would much rather live for God and be wrong than have gone against God and be wrong about that! I could go on and on about what I believe, etc, but I won't. :) In perspective God chose to let me live, because in my situation, had things gone differently, I might not be here. I have to trust in Him and keep my faith. I am always praying for Madison that someday she does follow Him and will pray for our other children. A lifetime is nothing compared to eternity! I want to spend eternity as a family, not just a lifetime!

Okay, I know it's unrelated, but I just remembered I hadn't posted about Halloween. It was actually our first big Holiday without Hailey. I had planned on the girls being Princess and the Pea for Halloween, I was going to get Madi some kind of princess outfit or use her dress up clothes and get a cute pea costume for Hailey. I will probably never get to do that, but that's okay. I figured since I'd been doing good with things that I would do okay at least for Halloween and for the most part I did. Halloween itself I did completely fine. I don't think the idea never occurred to me or it just didn't hit me, I'm not sure. Maybe because it felt like any other Halloween. Although, what did get me was the Thursday before at Mother's Day Out we had a costume parade and it was cute, chaotic and fun! All the kids came in their costumes and a little bit later in the morning we walked the kids around the church and by the school. I was okay keeping our kids in a line of sorts and about halfway through, I guess maybe I saw the babies, I don't it just hit me that Hailey should be there too, in a cute little costume!! I had to do everything I could to not just bust out crying right there in the middle of the parade. We got through it and got everyone situated but once we were at a point I could step out, I went to the bathroom and cried! I just had to. I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand. :) I actually pass Madison's class whenever I go to the bathroom and she happened to be close to the door after I had been in the bathroom, so I stopped to get a hug from her. Her teacher noticed my eyes and asked if I was ok, I told her I was, and she gave me a hug. I think she understood. I don't really feel like Thanksgiving will be that bad, I guess because it's a lot like our Sunday lunches except on a slightly bigger scale with specific food plus an extra meal thrown in with my in-laws. :) Christmas will be really hard. I found out right before Christmas last year that I was pregnant and not opening presents for my new baby; I am completely expecting to break down in the middle of it. We will see. I am hoping next Christmas will be easier, and if everything goes well, I will either be expecting or have a new baby next Christmas. :) I will try and do better with my posts and will definitely post after Thanksgiving and let you know how it goes. :)
Until next time.

Hope

Well, Ironically we watched part the first couple of episodes of Raising Hope on Netflix; then I listened to last Sundays sermon from the website and he was talking about hope. Our pastor even mentioned me and it certainly left me thinking about our situation. Talk about the sermon speaking to you. ;) Anyway, so I wanted to give an update since I don't think I hit on that too much in the past two posts. I had an interesting week at work; as far as where I am with dealing with everything. We only had a two day week instead of three because of Fall Break. Tuesday, I felt like it was a normal day, like we've been doing this for weeks. :) I felt like I was back in my routine and I loved it! Wednesday my friend who had her baby the day I was scheduled to have Hailey was subbing in another class. I knew that day would come and mainly felt fine with it. To me she is still just my friends baby and I don't associate Hailey with her unless I specifically think about it. At one point I had walked pass the class room during nap time to go get some ice or something. Of course since I was by myself in the hall (all the classes were in nap time) I thought about it. My main thing is just that I just want a baby so bad! Of course I'd love for it to be Hailey, but I really feel like I am at peace with where she is and just am at terms with the fact that God needed her more for a bigger purpose. I was just so ready to have a baby the day I found out I was pregnant with her; so now that I am settling into my new normal I ache even more for that baby. Of course I think it's part of my genetics as a mom, woman and from my family to worry.....what if, what if we lose the next one too. I have that thought a lot; it's human. As a Christian, God tells me; "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 So I am putting my faith in God that we will have another healthy baby. It is interesting when I pray now, we are taught to ask God for our hearts desire; for me it's always hard to ask for something so selfish, at least I feel like it's selfish. Granted, I asked for Hailey. That's the thing about faith, yes I wanted Hailey and miss her like crazy and still cry when I think about it; but I have complete faith that He took her for a reason and He has a plan and we will get through it! The good thing is I feel like He is already showing me how He has been present and answering prayers. Right after we lost Hailey, I heard from pretty much everyone I talked to, and people still tell me they are praying for me. EVERY TIME I hear those words, my heart warms! I have truly felt those prayers have been working! God has placed people in our lives even before we knew why they were there. He has also showed me that by answering all those prayers and helping us heal in this time He has also helped us to be a witness! I love telling people how He has showed me how valuable people are in our lives and how valuable life it! You always realize it when you attend a funeral or hear someone is sick; but I feel like it makes you REALLY question things when you lose a child. Especially with young children and babies. Most people, when they find out they are pregnant and go through the pregnancy, especially as long as I did, expect they'll go to the hospital and deliver a healthy happy baby. I think God gives us these hurdles to remind us, it's not always easy, it's not always simple; you have to have trust and faith and hope He will guide you through! When times are tough, you may not want to get up and face the world, but if you wake up each day and say, "thank you Lord for another beautiful day" it will be easier. Trust me, I've had many days where I just get so frustrated, when I have one of those days that you drop everything, you mess up everything and start to feel like nothing is going right! Step back, take a deep breath say a short prayer and you'll feel better! I have even (on those days) when I stop to take a breath think, "God is in control" things may still seem rocky, but they don't seem so bad with God.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Until next time.

The Day We Found Out....

So I previously mentioned I would post about the day we found out we were pregnant. So, here it goes.
Naturally, I'll start with Madison; I completely love both stories, but Madison being our first it was pretty neat. We'd been trying for only a couple of months and somehow even before I took the test, I just knew. I don't know if it was because of anything physical (except the obvious) but mostly just internal. First of all, I am like clock work, so if I'm late, I notice. :) So that is one reason I figured I might be; I nervously got up early to take the home test. I waited, anxiously, each minute felt like 20! Finally the result was in and I couldn't believe it! Even as we told people I didn't believe it until the lab at the doctors office said it was. :) Well, the BEST part of the story was when I went into tell Jason, he was still asleep (it was a Sunday morning) and I woke him up and said that either I was pregnant or we were going to have a baby. He had the biggest grin on his face!!! I loved it! Yes, ultimately were still in shock and couldn't believe we were actually going to be parents!! The funny thing is we were sooo excited we couldn't wait to tell everyone. I sure wish we had and done something neat, we just couldn't wait. So, we called our parents and family and a few friends. I don't think we got a hold of our parents first, but I don't think it mattered! EVERYONE was soo excited for us. I think our parents were a little nervous because they are our parents and they just hope we'll be okay financially, etc; but at the same time...they're going to be grandparents!! For mine Madison was their 4th and for Jason's it was their 1st!! :) I vaguely remember much after that, until my belly started showing. Which I did check constantly because I had no idea what to expect so it was fun to take that journey! I actually worked downtown at the time so it ended up being a pretty good thing because I had to walk to the courthouse regularly, etc; so I got plenty of exercise! Of course as we got closer to my due date which happened to be Mother's Day that year, we discovered Madison wasn't going to turn....imagine that stubborn from the womb! ;) So we scheduled a c-section the Friday before, I worked up to that day and lucky me; I was still in the hospital on Mother's Day! I LOVED my first Mother's Day, mainly because I had her and got to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I especially loved that everyone came to me! :) I naturally still treasure every one since!
So, with Hailey, after Madison turned 2 we started talking about when we'd like to have another. I think we started trying a few months after. It took us a little longer with Hailey, I think because we were trying. ;) Not to mention with Madison I was on webmd constantly, charting, etc; so I'm surprised it wasn't more stressful. :) Instead it seemed to be more stressful the second time. I made myself crazy every month when I took the test. I think I got so worked up one month I was confused by the test because I was late but the test was negative. I think the stress made it late. So I decided I would just relax from then on out and about 2 months later; right before Christmas, I took a test. Nervous yet again, each minute slowly ticking by; until finally, it was positive!! I had already decided this time would be different because of how we did it with Madison. I actually had to go to work that day. I think it was the Wednesday before Christmas. It was torture because I decided not to even tell Jason. I thought it would be cool to tell him Christmas day. I even decided to wait until after we had seen all our families so he wouldn't give anything away. Of course there probably were some hints since we were 'trying'. :) So, first of all that day at work was nuts; I couldn't think about anything else! I did my best to focus on work but in between customers all I though about was having 2 kids!! I was hoping for a boy because we even wanted Madison to be a boy but of course were thrilled when we found out both were girls. We could still have a boy. :) Well, Christmas Eve we do our Christmas with my family and I was just sitting there thinking how the next Christmas would be different with another baby around, etc; and it was so hard to not just shout it out! The next morning I wanted to tell Jason, but after we did our Christmas with Madison his parents were coming by, and I still didn't want to ruin it. So most of Christmas day was torture. After they left I wanted to tell him, but for some reason I waited. So, a few hours later; I went and got my hidden package and had Madison give it to him. I had taken a picture of the stick (instead of giving him the stick) and put a pacifier in a little gift box. He opened it and it took him a minute to realize what it meant. He said, "we're going to have another baby?" I clarified, yes and he was in shock for a few more hours (maybe even days). I was soooo relieved to tell someone! For some reason we waited about a month to tell everyone else. We did secretly tell a couple of close friends first just to get it off our chest, but we told our parents before we told the world! ;) I of course had Madison in a 'big sister' shirt and showed our parents. It took Jason's parents a second to realize what it said and kind of my mom too. Although I don't really blame them, I sewed it on a regular shirt and it was kind of hard to read. :) They gave pretty much the same response as with Madison, the nervousness about raising another baby, but also excitement! It was funny too because I was almost sure Hailey was a boy because the pregnancy was so different! I had so much morning sickness and heartburn with Madison and none of that with Hailey! In fact I never went into labor with Madison because she was breach. If you've read Hailey's story, I did have braxton hicks and ultimately went into labor. So, maybe the next pregnancy will be completely different from both! :) We shall see.
I do wonder how the next one will be. Most stories I've heard the rainbow babies are the opposite gender as the one lost. So maybe we'll get our boy. Although, I am completely torn because I was so set on another girl; being able to reuse so many things! I have loved having hand-me-downs for Madison from her cousins and was excited to do that with Hailey too; especially since I have a niece that was also born in August so her hand me downs would be the right season; where Madison's matched about half the time. So, of course then the thought came to me, what if we have twins? Yep, that would be crazy! It would be chaos, but I would completely embrace it as long as they were healthy! God knows what He's doing. Which is sooooo tricky sometimes! I know He does; and I fully trust Him, but I worry that it's part of His plan to take the next one as well. I now know I could probably handle it....maybe that would be 2 angels. It would be hard and would break my heart, but I would get through it with God and the support around us like we have with Hailey. Granted I don't want that, and hope and pray that is not part of His plan, but I am simply human and can only ask that He not take the next one. So, I will just trust in Him until the end.
Anyway, so those are my stories. :) I hope you enjoyed them!
Apparently I am quite a night owl and it's starting to drive me crazy, I was on a decent schedule there for a while. I'm trying to get back on it. The main reason I'm up tonight is I've made a decision; a decision I've made several times, but I REALLY want to stick to it this time! As I've mentioned before I am a mark. representative (they are a division of Avon, for those who don't know). I am not as into that stuff as I was before. Losing a child truly puts things in perspective for you! Well, my ultimate goal is still the same and I wanted to do it with mark. but that has changed. My goal is to be able to work from home in some capacity so I can stay home and still have an income. My current situation helps with that a lot because I am home 4 days a week and only work 3. Plus I can bring Madison (and any other children we have) to work with me! So, I decided tonight I am going to build up my Etsy page and do that! With Pintrest and me being so fascinated with Etsy lately for some kind of birthstone ring, etc; that's what I want to do!! I recently made some fabric bags you store your plastic bags in for work. We use plastic bags at work for the diapers in each class; so I made a fabric bag for each class! I also recently made a fabric trash bag for Jason's truck. I also have some reusable sandwich bags I sometimes use for school. So that will be some of the things I will have. I do have a few bags in my store right now and I'm not impressed. :) I want to do better. I may try to give those away, even though at the price they are; I practically am! ;) So, be looking out for that!
Until next time!

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

So I wanted to share my day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I had debated what I wanted to do. I wanted to do something for all the angels I knew of in heaven. I had heard about some angel mommies painting rocks; so that's what I chose to do; plus I knew it would be something Madison would be able to help with. She loves painting lately, so it was a fun project for us. Of course being a little bit of perfectionist, she had to have her own rocks because I was afraid she would mess something up. :) So after lunch we went out and found some rocks that would work to be painted on, washed them off and got to painting. I felt like I needed bigger rocks or 'write' smaller. :) Ultimately it turned out well and like anything I was just loving getting to honor my friends babies! I absolutely felt like Hailey and her friends were watching over us today and just smiling down on us because they loved us and knew we were in good hands and doing well because we knew they were watching over us. Yes it took up most of my day, but I completely enjoyed it! I actually intended to go to Hobby Lobby and get something to paint (I actually used to do that when I was bored in high school); but since I decided on rocks, didn't feel like I needed to. So, maybe I still will sometime this week and get one of those ceramic plate things and decorate it something about angels and put my rocks on it!
It is interesting to see all the names together because it makes me realize the people around us and how God knew we needed to be together. I love everyone of these people! Even before we lost Hailey I felt like I knew how great it was to have them in my life and now I truly understand! Granted I am extremely grateful for EVERY person in my life, but naturally these will hold a special place in my heart!
I did also light a couple of candles at about 7pm for our angels as well. I like to think all the angels were looking down and seeing them across the world glowing for them. I can only imagine what that looked like!!
Here is the picture of the rocks all painted and below it I will give a brief story (from my perspective) of each. :)

So, I won't be specific, but will tell you a little about the above and how they have impacted me. First I will start with 4 of them that all went to heaven at the same time; a friend of mine whom I had met in high school and we weren't/aren't terribly close, but I think with everything we still have a little bond. I actually found out on my wedding day that she had lost them! I don't know what happened or what her story is, but I remember that and we even decided to go hang out with our friends that night after our wedding (we got the idea from some friends of ours). We actually ran into my friends parents at the restaurant and seeing the tears in their eyes, just broke my heart. How interesting that a day of loss was also a day of joy. Granted I found out pretty early on that day and although I decided I was going to focus on the wedding, they were in the back of my mind that whole day! My heart broke for them. I had no idea what they were dealing with, but I still hurt for them. Although I will add, they now have a set of twins that are pretty close to Madison's age!
Next is actually one closer to me; I lost a niece or nephew. My brother and sister-in-law lost one in between their two girls. It was early on, so we really don't know if it was a boy or girl, but either way I can understand the pain. That is what is amazing, and what many people don't get; yes some say it was an early loss and they may not have "bonded" with them; but that is not entirely true! For me and most women, we bond, plan, dream, etc of that baby the DAY, the MINUTE we find out we're pregnant!! This one also makes me think that maybe it was one of those that if that hadn't happened we wouldn't have my brother's second daughter. I CANNOT imagine the world without her!! That girl is full of life and personality!! Not to say any of my nieces are any less, it's just amazing! :)
Naturally my friend I've mentioned many times that had triplets and lost two of them are included in this. I can only think to begin where their story begins! She was admitted the day they found out they were all girls and she was on bed-rest for awhile. We actually went to see them during their hospital stay (before the babies were born) and that was interesting because Madison was only a few months old! I remember hearing what happened and kept up with everything she posted. I reached out to her any way I could and tried to give her space and let her contact me when she needed me because again, I had no idea what she was dealing with, but I hurt for her soo much! Looking back and having been through it, I kind of wish I had been a little more adamant but that's not my personality and I didn't want to intrude or come off in a bad way. I just hope knowing that I was there if she needed me helped. I know that has helped me from the many that continue to reach out. I feel awful for not reaching back, but I honestly don't know what I'd reach for. Not to mention most of the time it's really weird hours or times that it hits me!
Next I'll mention a very interesting one. Being a mark. rep, there is a forum where you can post questions, ideas, etc about the business and products. They also have a board where you can post about things unrelated to mark. Several months back I posted about names, wanted to broaden our resources for ideas of names. Even though we had it narrowed to a couple I wanted to make sure. Well, of course after everything happened I posted what happened and when I went back to check posts after; there was an interesting one. Another rep had been through the same thing! She said she even had to go back and post about her loss as I did. Although she has since had a rainbow baby, so she will be a good resource; but it has helped to have yet another who understands what I'm going through. Not to mention it's amazing how close you can feel to someone you've never met when we share something like this!
Next is one that I had mentioned in my previous post. She had found out a little after I did and lost it at 12 weeks and had her due date this past week. I do actually kind of hope we will be pregnant at the same time again and have our healthy rainbow babies close together. I still remember the day she told me what happened, she has one of those personalities that you just can't help smile around her no matter what she's talking about. She mentioned it so matter of factly it actually kind of threw me off! It was one of those moments that right after she walked away, I thought, what did I just say? I wish I would have hugged her or said something else. Either way, I think with time it doesn't matter what I said, but that I'm working on being there if she needs it will help. It's funny too because with our loss, I am finding we have a couple of more things in common (nothing big) but we are pretty close in age, a little less than a year apart and our oldest children are the same age. Granted she has boys and I have a girl. :) We also both love crafts and sewing! So maybe this is something to bring us closer; we'll see. :)
One of the babies is from a friend I went to church with I apparently knew before we met again in youth group, we just didn't know until later. She has 4 boys and I think the one she lost was either between the first and second or second and third. I remember hearing about it and as with all the others, I hurt for them and my heart broke! I believe hers was before I was married or close to it. I truly had no idea what she was dealing with, but I could only imagine. Being a close friend, it didn't matter to me that I didn't understand, I still hurt because my friend hurt!
Another of my friends from church actually lost hers this year, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she had gone in for surgery or something that led to the surgery. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about her loss so I'm not sure if it's hit her since she didn't know until it was lost. I am sure she still feels the pain that one was lost. I still felt for her as well when she told me about it.
Finally is a friend that went to our church for a short while in high school. I think we hung out a few times, mostly during youth group functions. I didn't even know she had lost one until after I'd lost Hailey; of course we had just reconnected through Facebook while I was pregnant. She also had a son right after losing her twins. I definitely felt her pain when she mentioned that to me, because when I found out I totally understood!
It's funny how we go through life and when we hear about certain things we think, 'that will never happen to me' or 'I hope that doesn't happen to me'. I can't say I didn't think that when I heard most of these stories, but even then I knew that if it did God would take care of me and He would have a reason. Maybe that's why I have handled Hailey's loss like I have. Not to mention having all of these incredible people in my life!!! It is interesting that most have had children after or already had children. Maybe that's what makes it hard is knowing that the other went so well, but that one didn't. That's where faith and peace come in! God has a plan and a reason, we have to trust and have peace that they are watching over us!
I did want to also mention, as I was saying earlier that we as women (or at least I have), plan and dream of and for our babies the minute that stick has a plus sign or two lines or whatever! I very clearly remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Hailey. We'd been trying for a few months and I got worked up every time I took the test! So when it was positive I was thrilled!! I was going to go into my whole story of how I told Jason, etc; but I think I'll save that for another blog and include the story of when we found out with Madison...I love both stories!! You will too :)
So for those who haven't been there and can't relate, it doesn't mean you can't still reach out and be our friend! If you at least try, that means the world to me (us)! There will be times we'd rather talk to someone who understands, but most of the time, I'm happy just talking about it to anyone who will listen.
Until next time.

Work and Blessings

So I've been at work for about 2 weeks now and it has gone really well. I have surprised myself! The first day was a little tricky because for one thing I was in a different class room than when I left so I had a new routine to learn. Second, I think I kind of psyched myself up a little; but mainly I did pretty well! My main concern was seeing a friend and her baby because we worked together at the MDO and were pregnant together and were even scheduled for the same time! So I was worried that seeing her baby or even her would remind me of Hailey and upset me. Ultimately the opposite was true! She didn't have the baby the first time and when I saw her it was like seeing her any other time and it didn't get me worked up! Today she had the baby with her and even that was like seeing her with her baby! No big deal! I'm very glad it went that way. It is interesting too because most days I don't think about Hailey as the baby I lost I think of Hailey as my angel in Heaven watching over me! I love that!
It has also been fun to see and hear Madison's terms and versions of where Hailey is and what happened. Tonight, for example, we were sitting outside enjoying the night and Madison was sitting on my lap. I squeezed her and she asked my why. I told her I wouldn't get to squeeze Hailey like that until I was in Heaven with her. Madison said, "when I was a baby and I died...." I corrected that. I cannot fathom what that thought process is to go there. She did follow that statement with something about waking up and growing, growing. Their thought process is interesting! Well, while we were outside, we were saying what we could hear. We were sitting on the front porch so we were talking about the wind chimes. Madison then told me what Hailey was saying! She told me Hailey said she misses me and told Daddy she loves him. My heart melted! I love that idea in every way!!! The fact that Madison said it like she really heard that and the fact that she thought that up! Although I kind of like to think it's true! :) Also, earlier today we were walking in somewhere while running errands and I told Madison (because she said she was bringing her Hailey bear in with her; which she takes everywhere) I wish we were really taking Hailey with us, that she were here to do that. Of course Madison with the solution, we can pretend and she even said, "see, she's walking with us". I did tell Madison that she was watching over us in Heaven, though.
This journey has been pretty wild! So many emotions, so much of everything! It's also interesting to get other people's perceptions! A lot of people I encounter expect me to be so emotional I cry at the sight of any baby and have a hard time talking about it. I cannot honestly contribute the way I handle it to anyone other than God! I still thoroughly believe all the prayers helped me in the beginning! I still worry how Jason is handling it because he doesn't talk as much as I do! I'm not sure if I get it from my mom or dad, but I have actually been quite the talker about the Hailey thing lately! It is quite funny, too because most of the time I can see when I'm talking to someone that they are almost surprised how much I talk about it and how well I deal with it. I feel like most moms that want to talk all day about their kids, unfortunately I only have the time I had with Hailey, the rest is mostly about what I was planning for her and what I imagined it would be like with Madison and Hailey. Not to mention, the awareness! Obviously I'm aware it happens and worried that it could at any time, and I by no means think we should all be overly paranoid we just need to be aware. Like my mom and I were saying earlier; we're okay now, it's the 9 months of the next pregnancy we'll be worried/anxious.
I did want to mention my doctor's office called the other day; they had taken blood the last time I went to run some tests and the lab was back. They wanted to see if I had anything that might have contributed to the abruption in my blood. There was nothing abnormal. Everything was fine. Which is good and bad. Good because we know it's not that, bad because we don't know what. Although I am hoping this means the likelihood of another abruption is pretty slim! Although, the funny thing is I had a thought this week; I can't decide if I really want a boy or girl next and thought, well what if God gives us one of each? Twins? Yes it would be a blessing, but also crazy! Talk about God doesn't give you more than you can handle. :) I will honestly be happy either way! As long as whatever it is it's born healthy and lives a long healthy life! :) At least as long as God intends! I had a friend tell me the other day that there is a reason for everything and it was funny because I believe it to be completely true! It's hard to decifer the crime and bad things that happen, but at least with this Hailey thing, I believe it's for something bigger; something greater! It definitely makes you think about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! :)
So, I won't be specific, but I wanted to mention a few other people and how it's helped on my journey (at least this month). A couple of weeks ago I had a friend on Facebook, who had her baby and during her stay ending up going through several procedures and literally had to have things done to save her life; it scared me because she had a new baby (not to mention her other children) and her life was in the balance for a while. The funny thing about Facebook is you only get so much information; understandably so, but it can also be frustrating. Yes I could have tried to call her, but it's been so long since I've talked to her and only barely met her family I figured I'd wait it out. Either way, I prayed every time I thought about her! Things are really put into perspective when you go through tough times. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant about the same time I did; a little after and she lost it early on; her due date is coming up and I felt like I needed to make her something or at least do something for her! I made her a bracelet and she loved it. I just am happy she liked it. I was worried about her reaction, and honestly am okay if she just keeps the bracelet in her jewelry box or whatever. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. She has been one that has truly made me realize that even though it was a miscarriage, it's still a loss. Yes maybe she didn't have as much time with that baby, but she still had the dreams, the ideas, the plans. I have always been afraid of a miscarriage or something and now that I've lost a baby, I still worry! One of my best friends just mentioned she's pregnant and I am so excited for her! I am amazed, how I feel about it! I thought I would be hurt or upset, but I'm not! I was bummed that we wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, but that's okay. I am worried and will be praying her pregnancy goes well and the baby is healthy! Every day the people I encounter there is ultimately a purpose these people are in our lives! Like the friends we have that have lost 2 babies also, who knew that these two people who worked together years ago and decided to have a couples night would be where we are now? Also who knew that all the people in my life right now would be exactly who I needed? God knew and He made sure everyone was where they needed to be! It's also interesting that two of my friends that lost babies have children Madison's age so maybe that's part of it; maybe the bigger plan is for them, not necessarily us! God knows and is always at work and someday we will see the big picture but we'll have to take the little pieces for now. :)
I am SOOO grateful for where I am in my life; the people in my life! I am blessed and will thank God for everything He has given me and will continue to do so. He has put me down this path for a reason and although I do miss Hailey tons and would love to hear her cry right now; I know He has a reason for it and someday I will hold her again!
Until next time!

Processing

Well, I just wanted to update a little. Not much has changed as far as my day to day. I have my bad moments as expected but I do still have a peace that feels like it's there all the time; even in my hard times. I still hurt and always miss my little girl! I've just decided it mainly stinks because she's there and I'm not and I'm here and she's not. I am enjoying every precious moment I have here on earth and with my family and friends; although I cannot wait to see Hailey again, and all those there with her.
Last week I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up and everything looks good and she said when I am emotionally ready to work, I was physically ready. I actually think I could have gone to work the week before that! It was getting hard to be home alone so much especially when I was supposed to be taking care of Hailey. I think I was also just getting stir crazy. I did have a few questions for her; but I will a whole lot more when we get pregnant next time. :) It will be a wild ride, but I'm up for the challenge. :)
Also, for some reason I have been completely obsessed with looking for jewelry; mostly rings and all birthstone colors! I found a really neat ring on Etsy that is Hailey's birthstone. It was a really good price and I was a little hesitant to pay too much for handmade; but none the less I did find some that I liked at Zales. I had originally planned (even when I was pregnant with Hailey) to buy a mother ring; but seeing that I'd want at least 3 stones I'd have to wait for the next one to even think about it. Instead I've gotten fascinated with the stackable rings; so that's what I've been looking at on Zales. Everywhere has some decent ones; I did even find some on Amazon that weren't too bad, I just wanted to be able to pick it out and see it instead of wait for it; which made it so tricky with my Etsy order, but it turned out very well! :)

I figured more for the emotional, but I had planned all along to go back to work today. So I went back to work today! It was pretty crazy, we had a few changes and the only thing that really got me about going back to work was when I was getting things ready the night before, because I wasn't getting things ready for 3 of us. Getting there and going in felt pretty normal since I'd done it so many times just the two of us and with me being in a different class than when I left kept me a little distracted so that helped. Plus I had to learn about each child in my new class so that kept me busy too. :) Ultimately as I felt before I still feel the same; I missed it! I love playing with the kids! I love seeing what fascinates them, at all ages! :)
We also had a play date with our friends who have had a loss as well. They have a daughter Madison's age. They played so well, they get along so great! I know that since they have both lost sisters that maybe it will help them bond even more and maybe someday will help them through a tough situation. It was also nice to talk with her mom, my friend. I guess I'm just a talker in general, so through this process it has helped to talk as much as I can; and it helps that much more when you talk to someone who has been through what you've been through. That is always true for any situation. I have found a few people on the support website and one from the mark. forums which helps talking online, etc. For some reason it seems a little different and reassuring having somone in person you can have around. It definitely has me excited to try the support groups. I haven't decided if I would go without Jason, so I'm going to try to get him to go as well. I think it would be great for us as a couple and in general. I did get a pamplet from my doctor for counselors, I haven't called any yet; I want to make sure we can afford it. :)

Madison playing hopscotch with Hailey :)

I have also been going back to church pretty regular and it helps a lot; it just shows me and reaffirms that He is watching over us, He is giving me peace. I love it for that and to see that everyone there does love us and cares about us and continues to support us.
Also, wanted to mention it should be fun this weekend, Jason and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage! It's amazing! I can't believe it's been five years; in a good way, of course! Which means we'll have been together 9 years! Not to mention being friends years before that! We've been through a lot and still in it for whatever may continue to come our way. We have definitely grown a lot in many ways. ;) I still love him as much as the day we got together! :)

Until next time. :)

Crossroads?

So, I feel like I am slightly at a crossroads or something. I don't know if it has been an answer to prayer or something else, but I have definitely felt like God did need Hailey more than me, and that is why she is in Heaven. Granted that may sound a little crazy, but He is God and anything that He does is for a greater purpose!! I have had such a peace with this realization. Granted many may disagree and I am not even sure I'm right, but at this point I don't care too much because it makes me feel so much better with this idea! Everytime I am thinking about how I miss her, I immediately push the idea aside because she is with Jesus watching over us! Even when we were in Stillwater today, I was a little sad because the last time we went up there she was with us because we wanted to go one last time before we had the baby. I did not get emotional or anything. It's almost like every time I thought about it, another thought came into my head saying 'it's okay'. I don't know if this is just me being on autopilot and somehow trying to supress my emotions or God giving me peace. I also like to note I am not one that reads my previous posts before typing a new one so if I repeat myself or anything; sorry. :)
Lately, the strange part of things is that I feel like I'm crazy only because I feel like I'm handling it better than I should be (granted I haven't been back to work yet). I get on the support website I've found for stillbirths and talking to family, I feel like I am more okay with things than everyone else. I am not saying I like it, but I am at peace with it.
I go back to the doctor this week for my 6 week check up and have started my list of questions and it's a lot shorter than I thought it would be; mainly because most of my questions pertain to the following pregnancy and I don't know that those questions are anything to worry about right now. I think I'm just anxious about all of it. I guess I'm anxious because I don't know how I should be feeling seeing that I feel like I'm on a different path than everyone else; although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because we all deal with it differently, etc. I'm also very anxious about the next pregnancy because I know it will be emotional and tense. I am going to be a crazy pregnant person too because I am going to try and follow all the rules! No hot dogs, no soda-or at least maybe only a sip a day, no raw eggs-no raw anything, etc. I know sometimes even that may not make a difference, but I've gotta try. I know sometimes I can get myself more worked up about things than I need to be, but I think that is human nature and I reallly try not to. That will also be part of the struggle with the next pregnancy is trying not to stress to much so I don't put that on the baby.
The main reason I feel like I'm at a crossroads is because sometimes I actually feel like I'm just ready to start trying for the next baby but I know that is a ways off physically and probably emotionally; especially with the holidays coming up. I guess that's why I feel like I'm ready because I just want to be at that point to have something else to focus on and be past the emotions of the holidays.
I do still absolutely have my rough days! I still have moments I just want to cry! I was even watching Tangled with Madison the other day and literally got teary eyed at the end when they reunited! Although I didn't get too upset because I know someday I will be reunited with her, which might be hard too because Madison may still be here on earth; even though that is the natural order is for me to go before Madison. I just want my girls together and someday we will all be a big family together! It is just interesting being in this mind set. Every mother I look at with little ones, I wonder if they know how blessed they are? I know now how lucky I am we had Madison! For all I know this could have been a possibility with her. I also pray that our kids do come to know the Lord so that we can be with Hailey and together in Heaven. I had that realization a while back that I want to make sure I make it up there with her. Yes I know it's not by works that we get into Heaven; but I want to live for Him so that when I do get up there I can't say, "well I'm saved so let me in, not matter how I lived". Maybe it's also because of the mother in me that I want to live as an example for my kids. Not to mention since everyone prayed over us since everything happened and feeling that peace and the peace I feel now, how could I not live for Him. Especially with the idea that He has Hailey because He has something bigger in the plans; I want to know what that may be and if I don't live for Him I may never know what that is. The more I study and think on it I feel like the only sure thing we have is if we have Jesus in our hearts we will spend eternity with Him so why not live for the sure thing instead of wavering on the things we aren't too sure about?
Another thing, a lot of people always ask me how Madison is doing; for some reason it always throws me off because she is only 3 and it seems like she's pretty vague on what is going on in general anyway. She has handled everything pretty well. I don't know how much she understands to begin with. I don't even know if she understands what was supposed to happen, in that Hailey was a live baby in my tummy and was supposed to come home, cry and distrupt our routine. :) Not to mention the idea of death is probably way over her head. Sometimes it makes me want to go into child psychology because I really wonder to what level they understand what is going on. Which is always the fun thing about kids. Madison always says things she hears and I can tell when she understands the meaning and when she doesn't based on the way she uses them. Like when I tell her she can't talk to me in a hateful way and she uses it back at me she doesn't understand that she needs to be respectful. So I have to explain it so she'll understand. Whereas last night she was saying she needed to get situated, she used it the right way so she knew what it meant. Yes she knows Hailey died and she's in Heaven, but she asks me how we get to Heaven and if we can go see Jesus and sister. All I can really tell her is that we'll be there someday and it's up in the sky. Like I may have mentioned before, once we bring a live baby home, especially because she'll be older, I am sure she'll put it together that it was different with Hailey and start asking why, etc. I'm starting to pray now that I will know what to tell her then! :)
Anyway, I wanted to update and share where I'm at. I'll post again to let everyone know about the doctor visit and when I go back to work the week after. I'm still working on Jason to see if he wants to post anything.
I have definitely realized everyday is a blessing and am sooooooo greatful for everyone in my life!! Everyday and every time I am around you all I realize God knew what He was doing when he had all of our paths cross!
Our God IS an AWESOME GOD!
Until next time.

Peace and Joy/Hope

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

Saw this today and liked how it applied!

This week has been kind of interesting, but not too bad. I did have a little bit of a hard time yesterday but kept myself surrounded so that helped a lot! I think the gloomy weather is affecting how I feel! When it's sunny I'm not that upset, and when it's cloudy I feel a little sad!

I've been obsessed with having things to remember Hailey by, but at night when I'm trying to sleep all I'm thinking about is how I wish I didn't have anything to remember her by because I wish she were here! It's a tough road, and we are hanging on the best we can!

Madison has clearly learned that Hailey died and she will say exactly that. I'm greatful she knows she's in Heaven watching over us and has things to remember her by. She has some of the toys that came with some of the flowers and one of them is her 'Hailey bear' and she took it to school with her. I love that she has that! I know it's going to be maybe a little hard and maybe a little interesting as she gets older and asks questions. I'm especially interested to see how she reacts when we bring a baby home; I'm sure there will certainly be questions then.

Well, I really just wanted to post that verse; I loved it when I came across it because it seemed to be right in line with everything. I also listened to a song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark this week; I had heard it before, but this was the first time since we lost Hailey and it truly brought tears to my eyes! It always has and did even more this time. It is a good song, though in dealing with what we are going through.

We are dealing and lately I have been thinking more about therapy in any form and definitely want to make sure we go to something somewhat soon, just to make sure we are dealing. Talking in general helps so I'm thinking talking to a group or a professional will definitely help us both!

Until next time.

Some Peace

I wanted to post a blog while I was feeling some peace, unlike last time. :) Like my mom said, it is okay to be upset, just so you know that is truly rare for me, even lately! I don't know if I've mentioned on here, but it has been amazing through all this. Yes it's been hard and traumatic, etc; but I truly believe all of our 'warriors' praying for us, has definitely worked! God is good! We could be walking around like zombies and crying everytime we see a baby or talk about babies; but we haven't been, we've found a little bit of peace! I can't totally speak for Jason, whom I am thinking of asking if he wants to do a post so maybe everyone can see how he's dealing. I don't know if he will, but I'm going to ask. So, I can't speak for Jason, but I have found peace in believing that God has a plan for us, whether it was part of the plan for Hailey to join Him so soon, or He has just been there by our side while we go through this. I like to think whatever the reason for Hailey to be an angel; our next baby will live a fruitful life. It has been amazing, also, that we have had this sort of peace because most people go the complete opposite direction in these times; but I guess from how I was raised (thanks Mom and Dad) and when I was so active in the youth group in high school, things have stuck with me. I have to think that it only makes sense to seek His refuge and put my faith in Him because He is the one who gives us peace! Being such a traumatic experience I would much rather let Him take care of me than thinking I could do it myself and end up miserable. I am aware it's rare to be like this and I am nothing but greatful for all those who have helped me and trusted God to help guide me on this path. I KNOW He has a plan; He put you all in my life!!! :)

I know most have seen it on Facebook, but I wanted to post these amazing verses I read earlier this evening. They are great and I think I might put them up so that I can see it daily!!

Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Until next time.

Why?

Why aren't you here with me? Why am I up crying instead of rocking you back to sleep? Why can't I hold you? Why did you have to leave us sooooo soon? Why did my body fail you?

I think I've been holding back some of my emotions. Mind you I am ultimately at peace with things; as much as I can be, but right now, tonight....I'm upset, frustrated and a little mad. Why can't Hailey be here with me? Why do I have to be at peace with anything? Why her? Not that I'm saying some other baby should have to take her place! Why does any baby have to die? They deserve the chance. Yes she is in a better place; it still hurts, I still wish she were here. I want soooo badly to know what she's like! Does she have hair like her daddy like I wanted? Does she have the laid back personality of her daddy? For the most part, and if you follow you know, I understand wondering doesn't bring her back; but why do I have to do this at all? Why can't she just be here, having taken her first breath, gone home in the outfit we picked out instead of buried in it? Why do I have to ask and wonder at all? Why do people have to tell us how sorry they are instead of how cute she is? I want to have those late nights, hear her cry, do 5 loads of laundry because she spit up or otherwise. I want to be cranky because she kept us up all night! I just want her here!! I've had moments in my life where I wish I could have something back, I wish I could have changed something but they are usually things that aren't that big of deal and things I could deal with or sometimes even change or fix. Why can't this be one of those times? It's always hard when someone young dies, they didn't live long enough, etc. Hailey didn't have a chance. She didn't get the chance to make a bad choice or good ones.
I just don't know what to do right now. I want to go to sleep like I'm supposed to but I can't. I'm hoping typing all this out will help me a little. I have been good day to day and haven't really had too many break downs or anything, and even this morning (Friday morning) it almost felt like it was surreal and didn't happen. Like being pregnant was the dream. Right now, I want the rest of it to be the dream and wake up pregnant with a healthy baby inside ready to meet her family and to go to the hospital and have her like I was supposed to healthy and maybe even screaming like I did when I was born and so did Madison! I think autopilot does describe me most of the time, but I think numb does too a little bit.
I have had a little bit of peace lately in the thought that maybe Hailey died so the next baby could be born or maybe that since she died the next baby will not only be a blessing, but will have a full life and we will make sure he or she takes advantage of as many opportunites as possible and Madison as well! I was playing with Madison earlier today and had made a comment about Hailey and she said that, but Hailey died; and it broke my heart a little but surprised me that she understood. She usually only says that Hailey is with Jesus. I was just loving on Madison as I laid down to go to sleep and it hit me hard, that I won't ever get to do that with Hailey; I sooooo badly wish I could. I HATE feeling like this! I hate that I miss her-in that I wish she were here instead. I would much rather miss her for a few hours because we went on a date; not miss her for years until I meet her in Heaven.
I was talking with a friend the other day how people either believe everything happens for a reason or things happen because of the choices we make because God gave us the free will to make decisions. I am typically an 'everything happens for a reason' person and was completely at peace that there was/is a greater reason for Hailey's passing. Although on a lot of things I do also believe that people make a choice that affects everything. God has a plan, he knows everything; but I think he also gives us the choice to follow that plan or not or to get to it differently than he originally intended. So, I had my mind set that there was a reason for Hailey to be stillborn, but now I wonder if maybe it could have [also] been because someone somewhere made a choice that affected us to not be aware or that caused what happened. I don't know; it is just frustrating not knowing, especially since knowing or not, she's still not here and nothing can change that.
Why do we have to go through this? Why? I feel so broken! I feel like I failed her. I'm so anxious right now! I wish so badly I could hold her right now or since I can't, I wish we just had our 'rainbow baby' and I could be holding him or her right now! (Madison still thinks she should have a brother next)
It is also very interesting because as I have mentioned and as many have seen, a lot of people were pregnant around the same time I was and have already had or soon to have their babies! A few of my friends on Facebook even have new babies; and I look at them and am genuinely excited for them! How can I not be, I know that joy! Honestly I'm also very glad they aren't dealing with the pain I am! Of course I also wish I was experiencing the joy as well but life had other plans. Every baby is a miracle and everyone who has a living child is blessed beyond imagination. To those that have lost one (or more) is blessed as well for knowing the joy of at least carrying that baby; no matter how long! Maybe they didn't take a breath on earth, but they still knew their mommy and we knew them and as much as we hate it; they are watching over us instead of us watching over them.
I miss you Hailey girl! I truly hope you are happy and having so much fun up there with all your friends! HUGS!!
Until next time!

Sweet Hailey *pictures*

I've been good lately, feel like I'm still on an autopilot. I am definitely 'adjusting to my new normal' I don't like it, but it's what I have to do. I was really restless today and while I was eating dinner wondered if it was maybe because I feel like I should be caring for my sweet Hailey and Madison instead of just Madison. The question 'why?' enters my head constantly; I run through things that maybe this is the reason, or this. I do hope maybe it is to ultimately help someone else. Maybe it will help Madison and her friend that lost her sisters. Maybe it is so the next baby we'll have could be born; because honestly I don't know if we would have had a third child if it weren't for Hailey's passing. I had mentioned pictures, some have already seen them, so for those who haven't I am including a few. I was looking through some at dinner and am still amazed how precious and perfect she is! I am including some of her sweet little feet! They are so perfect. I love all the comments from the previous post! They were wonderful! I especially love the idea of Hailey giggling with us when we play with Madison. It definitely gives me some peace!
Today would have been one of the days that I would have had Madison at school and technically I wouldn't have been by myself because Jason was also off, but tomorrow I will be. I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but I'll figure it out. :)

Anyway, so here are the pictures of my sweet Hailey:

I bought a locket and some charms this week and this picture is in my locket! :)

Love those sweet toes!!

sleeping; so precious

family picture





Day to Day

Well, as time goes on it seems like I do better every day. I find myself crying less; and typing that out makes me kind of sad because I feel like that is saying I don't miss her, but obviously I do, I just don't cry as much. If I really think about it, I'll start crying. I even had a moment today that it just hit me. I actually even do okay on days like today when we were out and about and I see little babies. I think I just see it as a baby like I would before. It seems that it'll be the ones that were born closer to when Hailey was that will be hard, seeing what she should be doing. I am constantly seeing things that I realize she'll never get to do. Especially this morning, I was playing with Madi before we got out of bed, tickling, etc; and the thought that we'll only get to do that with her in Heaven made me want to cry, but Madison kept 'attacking' me so I didn't but it still made me sad. I think ultimately I am at peace that she is in Heaven and watching over us and is at peace. The other day I was literally thinking, okay, I need to move on; but how? I have no idea what to do with myself right now! I spent so long planning to be taking care of a newborn and now that I'm not, I don't know what to do. Plus we aren't at a place to be working on the next baby, so I'm trying to think of what I can be doing. I think it is also why I've been thinking of all these things I want to sew! This past week Jason was at work and my parents had had vacation the week before; so this week everyone was at work and when it came time to get things ready for Madison to go to MDO I decided to keep her with me. So, next week I will send her to MDO and I will be by myself for a few hours 3 days a week at least for 2 weeks. I think I am going to work on some projects. I don't know what all that will be, but I'll figure it out. :) I had started a bag for my niece before everything happened and everyday I look at it and feel bad I haven't finished it, but I haven't had the energy to pull out my sewing machine; but I will this week!! I'm sure I'll stay busy. Maybe I'll go through Madison's room and figure out what I need to do with the baby stuff until we need it again.
Also, speaking of Hailey's things, I had thought about posting pictures of her on here. I understand not everyone is comfortable with that sort of thing, but for those that might want to see her it'd be a good way to see her. I would like to share at least one or two as she is still my baby and people love showing pictures of their baby. I wanted to get your thoughts; I will probably plan on incorporating a couple in the next post, but I wanted to see what you thought too.
We haven't gone to a support group or counseling or anything yet but it's definitely on our list of to do because our emotions are still a little raw and anytime we have stress come up it opens other wounds as well. I have been on a support website and that has helped a lot too and my amazing friend who has been through this before has let me text her even after 10pm. It's helped having people that know what I'm feeling let me know that it will get better and to help prepare me for some of those awkward situations I will have to encounter.
It is interesting in all this too because I do actually still have moments where I feel like this isn't real, and keep waiting for me to wake up and then when I realize it is, I get emotional. I have also had some moments this week where I literally wanted to hide under a rock and not deal with anything; but since I couldn't it made it a little rough, but I pressed on. I also had a hard time one night because I am still the wife and mother that I am that has to be there to help Madison with the day to day and take care of the house, and be the wife I need to be.....on top of dealing with all the emotions we are dealing with. It definitely makes things a little crazy.
Anyway, things are starting to get better, but we still have our hard days and it seems like we deal with different levels of it as time goes on.
Until next time! <3

"Auto-Pilot"

So, I'm sorry if I'm posting too much; which is funny because it's quite a switch from before. I can't decide if I'm just keeping myself busy or some days am just on autopilot because like the other day was so emotional and yesterday was a little bit of both but today I feel like I am on autopilot. I look at Hailey's pictures and am very sad, but don't break down like usual. Granted I still get tears in my eyes; but I don't start bawling. I don't know if it's just that some days I am accepting and/or at peace. It's kind of good, I suppose because then I'm not walking around upset all the time but I feel like there is no 'normal' for this so it's hard to say. We did have an interesting encounter today; I was inside, but Jason and Madison were on the porch and I guess the neighbor to the East of us had just pulled up and Madison asked the neighbor if she saw our windchime. The neighbor said she did and it was beautiful and I think either she asked or Madison just offered up what the windchimes were for, Madison said it was for sister. The neighbor looked at Jason and either asked, 'what is she talking about?' So, Jason explained to her what happened. I figured they didn't know since we usually only say hi in passing and as my sister mentioned and I'm sure many noticed but I did not look as pregnant as I was; my belly wasn't that big and it makes sense that Hailey was only 4lbs 11oz. So I'm sure they didn't notice I was even pregnant. Anyway, it's always interesting to see how people react. It is funny, though, because Madison has already decided she is having a brother next! I don't know if she knows something I don't or if she is just hoping. :) She is asking or talking about it because there are still some of the baby toys out, etc. I haven't put ANYTHING up, not necessarily because of my emotions, but mainly because I just don't know what to do. Some things I kinda feel like they are fine where they are for whenever the time comes for our 'Rainbow Baby'. I guess I'm trying to decide if I need to mess with putting it up to get it out in a year. Of course, I know a lot can happen in a year. Of course if we do have a boy next I will definitely be boxing up the outfits we bought just for Hailey separately from all the hand-me-downs. I also have some things like a 'tag blanket' I made for Hailey (I made some for Madison too) and some of the toys we bought for her if I want the next baby (if it's a girl) to use or put up with the rest of Hailey's things. Granted I do also have my days that it HURTS to have stuff in a box like that, because she should be using them instead of them sitting in a box! Of course I constantly remind myself that no matter what I think or question I know I can't change the outcome, so as much as I hate it and as painful as it might be I have to accept that. I've been on support websites and read about going out to the grave, etc which I haven't even thought about yet. It has been good, though seeing other moms that lost their baby the same time I did; obviously not good that they are on there, but good for us to help each other. Ironically I also found another mark. rep that has been through what I have which also steered me to one of the support websites. She also has a 'Rainbow Baby' so it will help having her to talk to about that journey as well. It's just one of those things that you always hope never happens to you, and then if it does you just have to live with it; if we want to or not. We also have a support group meeting this week; we just haven't really talked about if we are for sure going. I know we need to and should, etc it's knowing the emotions that are going to be lashed out; if I'm ready or not. It's all part of the journey. We'll figure it out.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to blog a little; sorry it's a little longer than I intended. :)
Until next time.

Correction

So I was talking to my mom today and she mentioned that I was wrong about what the doctor said. This is why I had someone in there with me. :) So the placenta did separate and that's what caused the blood clot. Also, my uterus looked bruised because of all the blood clots from the placenta separating so fast. Which I will also mention all of this is what worries me about having another; but that is still a while off and the doctor didn't say I shouldn't or couldn't so, we'll definitely address that when that time comes.
I also want to add, how I've mentioned good days and bad days before; well today was definitely a rough day! I woke up really early because of heartburn and had a hard time getting back to sleep and Jason had already gone to work. So I was up and thinking and I got a little emotional and had a good cry. Which was all fine because the past few days I'd felt like I was on autopilot and didn't think about stuff too much. I did get back to sleep after my mom took Madi to church. I woke up and got ready for Sunday lunch at my parents and for whatever reason, the weather or just my mood, I didn't feel like being around anyone. I just wanted to curl up back in my bed and stay there allll day; but I went on because I knew I needed it. I pulled up at my parents and took a deep breath beacause I just wasn't feeling it and just wanted to cry. I got through it and went in. I figured as long as we didn't talk about it, I'd be fine. One of the first things my sister asks is if I'm doing ok; I kinda mumble, I'm fine because I was trying not to cry. My mom must have known because she asked me again and of course since I was looking right at her I just started crying. She hugged me and told me it's okay, everyone understands, I'm not expected to always be ok. I went to the bathroom cried a little more, wiped my eyes and went back in and just sat down trying to be into what everyone else was doing. All my nieces were there and some cousins and Madison playing and what not, so I just let myself think about that and I did ok. I felt bad because I was supposed to go out with a friend later in the evening but I cancelled because of how my morning went. It probably was better because I literally feel like I barely got through lunch. I don't know why it hit me so hard today, maybe just because I had alone time to think about it, I don't know; but that is the journey I'm on. I have found some good things online that have helped and am slowly meeting new people that have had the same experience, so I do feel like I'm slowly healing. Key word being slowly. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to share that correction. Hopefully I did get it right this time; if not let me know, Mom. :)
Until next time.

Dr Visit, Girls Night, EMOTIONS....

So, first of all, of course I should mention everything from the doctor visit. I had my mom go ahead and come back with me (I couldn't get it worked out so Jason could go; and he didn't like that), so if I forgot anything from the visit my mom could help me remember. The dr pretty much said they aren't sure what specifically caused it, it looks like a blood clot got behind the placenta and something caused it to rupture. She even said that once they pulled everything out my uterus was bruised from everything happening so fast. Which was also a part of it, that everything happened so fast there wasn't much they could do. Since my first pregnancy with Madison was fine, this was most likely a random thing; but they will go ahead and run a blood test when I go back for my 6 week to see if there is anything that could have contributed. Either way, with the next pregnancy we will watch things more closely and probably even have a couple extra ultrasounds and maybe even some stress tests, etc. We will also meet with the high risk doctors to see if that is an avenue we need to take. She also said we should probably wait 6 months to try again so I can heal. Right now, I have days I feel like I'm ready now and day when I just want Hailey and can't really think about having another baby. So I'm sure emotionally that will be a good time frame but mainly with a c-section and all the trauma 6 months is the time frame for me to heal physically. Especially with all the holidays coming up, that will probably be good, emotionally.
I think I am definitely getting better with things because since everything has happened and as I talk to people I realize that one, I have completely overestimated the difference between miscarriages and stillborn losses. Emotionally they are very similar. Every loss is different regardless of the time of the loss, but emotionally it's pretty similar. We all lost a baby. I have even been able to take Madison into school and pick her up without getting all emotional; which I thought I would not be able to do for a few more weeks. Since I have gotten better about talking about it; basically learning that the more I talk it actually helps and heals; I think that is why I am able to go into the school and usually spend some time talking.
So my amazing sisters planned a girls night with some of my friends and even though it was just dinner and I was actually only able to talk to half of the girls that came; it still went well. I was so glad to get out with the girls. I wanted to do something after but it was a week night and everyone was tired; next time. :) It helped a lot!!
I also had a first today, I had to take my rent to my landlords, and I hadn't talked to them in a month. So, the last time I talked to them I had planned to either have Jason bring it out there while I was home with Hailey or I could and bring Hailey by. So, of course when I walked in she asked, "So, did we have a baby" and I had to explain what happened and of course I started crying. I was thinking I'd be okay and not cry; but alas I couldn't help it. It wasn't as bad since I know them, so when I have to explain even the jest of my situation, I'm dreading it. It is hard being that it's still so fresh, because I don't want to dilute Hailey's memory but I don't want to pour out my whole story to every stranger either. Especially if it's a cashier or something because I've also been on the other side (not to this degree) where people have told too much of a story and even though I am a caring person, I certainly don't mind if they feel like they need to share that with me; but it's not the time when there are 3 people behind them in a hurry or just wanting to check out. So, it's hard; but I'm sure most people won't really pry anyway. Plus if I have Madison with me and they ask me if she's my only child, I have to be picky what I say if she's listening. Of course with Madison, I'm sure she'll tell them Hailey is with Jesus (as she does if you ask her anyway), they will probably think that's cute and leave it alone.
Every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it's not always day to day some times it can change from morning to evening! The other day I was fine pretty much all day and come evening it just hit me. It's funny too because my parents had taken this week off to help with baby and with everything they went ahead and took it off, which worked out too because Jason went back to work this week. So, it's been interesting because we've been running errands and taking care of stuff I've needed to do, which is good because it gets me out instead of at home dwelling. The ironic part is that it's those moments that actually make me miss her more because I keep thinking how she should be with us, and I should be dealing with her and stuff that needs to be done instead of what we were doing. More than anything it just helps being around people. I felt silly because earlier in the week Jason went out for his "guys night" and he called around to make sure someone could come hang out with me while he was out and I felt like he was looking for a baby sitter for me; but I'm sure it was for the better it just seems weird. :)
Ultimately I think I'm doing pretty good emotionally, most days. Sometimes, though I almost feel bad for having a good day because I feel like I'm not thinking of her very much. Although, most of the time, I feel worse for dwelling because I know it wouldn't be something she or God would want, so I find some kind of middle. :) Hopefully I'm not wearing on my friends to much because I have actually been talking a lot about her to them. Granted they all said if I needed anything let them know.....I need an ear on occasion, so be prepared. :)
We also actually had our friends that had been through a similar thing had their daughters birthday party and she is the same age as Madison so I really wanted her to go but didn't know if we were ready because they do a balloon release at the party. Luckily my mom said she could take her. I mentioned the balloon release and she said she was fine with it and after the party she called me and said she wasn't ok. She also said that it was ok because my friends mom came over and talked to her. Which I think is great because that actually gives my mom someone to talk to because they are in the exact same position; the mothers of the daughters that lost the babies. So I am hoping that is something that pans out for her to help her heal too.
We have had a couple of  references for groups and my dr even said she could get us in contact with any kind of group or counseling we might need. Groups, mentoring, family, single; etc. So, down the road I may look into some of those.
Oh, and Jason said his first day back was kind of hard because everyone was asking what happened, etc; so he had to tell the story and everything, so that made it kind of hard. I think ultimately it was good for him to get back so some kind of normal. I am kind of eager to get back to that even though some moments of mine will be hard; playing with the kids in my class will help me tons, I just need to heal physically. :)
Overall, everyday is a journey and we are doing pretty well, but somedays are still hard. This past week when the day came that we were originally scheduled to have Hailey was a little hard, but we got through it. Also this past week we got some wind chimes from my aunt to think of Hailey when we hear them and I love that! My sister also mentioned that when it storms we can think of Hailey (and her friends) helping God and Jesus play with the flashlights and dropping toys like Madison says. :) So having stuff like that helps make things a little easier and feel like she's here with us.
*We miss you and love you sweet girl; someday we'll see you again and hold you!
Until next time.

Oh Me, Oh My

So it's been over a week since everything; in fact its almost been two weeks! I go to the dr on Wednesday to get all I can out of her. :) We have had a week of people bringing us food and visiting and what not, so that has definitely helped. My mom has been worried about us getting out enough, and when we got out yesterday to go to the mall, we see nothing but babies! It is all still a process and a journey and we are doing the best we can! We've already had a few moments where we just break down but we have definitely talked a lot so that's helping. I do have hope things will get easier. We do have close friends that share in our experience and it is great to have them to talk to!! They came over this week and it helped to compare stories and just to talk things out! Which is ironic because I was just on a website looking for other moms sharing their stories of their losses and granted all stories are different but I don't think the website is a place for me; I just couldn't find anything that helped in anyway. Plus most stories I came across they lost their babies early, early in their pregnancies, so I definitely couldn't relate. I think that is one of the hard things for me is that I was so close to my due date! I did find one thread of moms who had lost their babies at full term and quite a few had lost them because the cord was tangled around the neck. Great one more thing to be worried about! As I mentioned in the previous post, we have decided to try again fairly soon; I do want to make sure emotionally I can handle it. So I definitely have a lot of questions for the dr and will want a lot of information; and either way I am pretty sure I will be on edge the entire pregnancy! It is definitely an emotional roller coaster; all of it! One of my main focuses right now is to prepare myself for going back to work and seeing the babies, especially because it seems like a lot of people got pregnant around the same time I did. Some already had theirs and some still have somewhere around a month or two to go. Which I think its mainly hard because I waited 9 months to see Hailey and now she's not here and I have to wait 9 plus months to see the next baby; whereas everyone else has their baby now, and it's healthy. I do not have a grudge against anyone! I definitely know the joy they are feeling and I am so happy for all of them; it is just hard for me because I wanted Hailey sooooo bad and she didn't make it. I think I've gotten to the why stage but I am not mad at anyone. From what I've been told, so far, it seems like it was just a random thing that happened and their was no way they could have known, etc. So, really how is it anyone's fault? Also, honestly what good does it do to blame God? I know a lot of people have a hard time with the idea that He took their baby away; but I am a firm believer God doesn't do anything without a plan! Yes it hurts and yes I hate it, but He has a plan; and I may never know or maybe some of it will be revealed in so many years. I just hate that it was so close; that literally hours before her being stillborn I felt her kick and they had her heartbeat on the monitor. Naturally, I wish we could have just had her then, while she was still fine; but I also know dwelling on that doesn't change anything, so I move on. I'm sorry if I've been all over the place on this blog, that's definitely a peak into my mind this week! If we didn't have calendars we wouldn't know what was going on! I am also greatful for Madison because she helps keep my mind functioning because as any parent knows you have to constantly think about what they need for 'today' and frankly 'tomorrow' in case they need laundry, etc.; so that has helped keep me on my toes, not to mention playing with her and the everyday activites with her help us cope as well.
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!

Baby Hailey

So, I know most everyone already knows, and everyone that follows the blog is already aware; but I felt like I needed to blog. 
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.