Well, Ironically we watched part the first couple of episodes of Raising Hope on Netflix; then I listened to last Sundays sermon from the website and he was talking about hope. Our pastor even mentioned me and it certainly left me thinking about our situation. Talk about the sermon speaking to you. ;) Anyway, so I wanted to give an update since I don't think I hit on that too much in the past two posts. I had an interesting week at work; as far as where I am with dealing with everything. We only had a two day week instead of three because of Fall Break. Tuesday, I felt like it was a normal day, like we've been doing this for weeks. :) I felt like I was back in my routine and I loved it! Wednesday my friend who had her baby the day I was scheduled to have Hailey was subbing in another class. I knew that day would come and mainly felt fine with it. To me she is still just my friends baby and I don't associate Hailey with her unless I specifically think about it. At one point I had walked pass the class room during nap time to go get some ice or something. Of course since I was by myself in the hall (all the classes were in nap time) I thought about it. My main thing is just that I just want a baby so bad! Of course I'd love for it to be Hailey, but I really feel like I am at peace with where she is and just am at terms with the fact that God needed her more for a bigger purpose. I was just so ready to have a baby the day I found out I was pregnant with her; so now that I am settling into my new normal I ache even more for that baby. Of course I think it's part of my genetics as a mom, woman and from my family to worry.....what if, what if we lose the next one too. I have that thought a lot; it's human. As a Christian, God tells me; "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 So I am putting my faith in God that we will have another healthy baby. It is interesting when I pray now, we are taught to ask God for our hearts desire; for me it's always hard to ask for something so selfish, at least I feel like it's selfish. Granted, I asked for Hailey. That's the thing about faith, yes I wanted Hailey and miss her like crazy and still cry when I think about it; but I have complete faith that He took her for a reason and He has a plan and we will get through it! The good thing is I feel like He is already showing me how He has been present and answering prayers. Right after we lost Hailey, I heard from pretty much everyone I talked to, and people still tell me they are praying for me. EVERY TIME I hear those words, my heart warms! I have truly felt those prayers have been working! God has placed people in our lives even before we knew why they were there. He has also showed me that by answering all those prayers and helping us heal in this time He has also helped us to be a witness! I love telling people how He has showed me how valuable people are in our lives and how valuable life it! You always realize it when you attend a funeral or hear someone is sick; but I feel like it makes you REALLY question things when you lose a child. Especially with young children and babies. Most people, when they find out they are pregnant and go through the pregnancy, especially as long as I did, expect they'll go to the hospital and deliver a healthy happy baby. I think God gives us these hurdles to remind us, it's not always easy, it's not always simple; you have to have trust and faith and hope He will guide you through! When times are tough, you may not want to get up and face the world, but if you wake up each day and say, "thank you Lord for another beautiful day" it will be easier. Trust me, I've had many days where I just get so frustrated, when I have one of those days that you drop everything, you mess up everything and start to feel like nothing is going right! Step back, take a deep breath say a short prayer and you'll feel better! I have even (on those days) when I stop to take a breath think, "God is in control" things may still seem rocky, but they don't seem so bad with God.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Until next time.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Day We Found Out....
So I previously mentioned I would post about the day we found out we were pregnant. So, here it goes.
Naturally, I'll start with Madison; I completely love both stories, but Madison being our first it was pretty neat. We'd been trying for only a couple of months and somehow even before I took the test, I just knew. I don't know if it was because of anything physical (except the obvious) but mostly just internal. First of all, I am like clock work, so if I'm late, I notice. :) So that is one reason I figured I might be; I nervously got up early to take the home test. I waited, anxiously, each minute felt like 20! Finally the result was in and I couldn't believe it! Even as we told people I didn't believe it until the lab at the doctors office said it was. :) Well, the BEST part of the story was when I went into tell Jason, he was still asleep (it was a Sunday morning) and I woke him up and said that either I was pregnant or we were going to have a baby. He had the biggest grin on his face!!! I loved it! Yes, ultimately were still in shock and couldn't believe we were actually going to be parents!! The funny thing is we were sooo excited we couldn't wait to tell everyone. I sure wish we had and done something neat, we just couldn't wait. So, we called our parents and family and a few friends. I don't think we got a hold of our parents first, but I don't think it mattered! EVERYONE was soo excited for us. I think our parents were a little nervous because they are our parents and they just hope we'll be okay financially, etc; but at the same time...they're going to be grandparents!! For mine Madison was their 4th and for Jason's it was their 1st!! :) I vaguely remember much after that, until my belly started showing. Which I did check constantly because I had no idea what to expect so it was fun to take that journey! I actually worked downtown at the time so it ended up being a pretty good thing because I had to walk to the courthouse regularly, etc; so I got plenty of exercise! Of course as we got closer to my due date which happened to be Mother's Day that year, we discovered Madison wasn't going to turn....imagine that stubborn from the womb! ;) So we scheduled a c-section the Friday before, I worked up to that day and lucky me; I was still in the hospital on Mother's Day! I LOVED my first Mother's Day, mainly because I had her and got to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I especially loved that everyone came to me! :) I naturally still treasure every one since!
So, with Hailey, after Madison turned 2 we started talking about when we'd like to have another. I think we started trying a few months after. It took us a little longer with Hailey, I think because we were trying. ;) Not to mention with Madison I was on webmd constantly, charting, etc; so I'm surprised it wasn't more stressful. :) Instead it seemed to be more stressful the second time. I made myself crazy every month when I took the test. I think I got so worked up one month I was confused by the test because I was late but the test was negative. I think the stress made it late. So I decided I would just relax from then on out and about 2 months later; right before Christmas, I took a test. Nervous yet again, each minute slowly ticking by; until finally, it was positive!! I had already decided this time would be different because of how we did it with Madison. I actually had to go to work that day. I think it was the Wednesday before Christmas. It was torture because I decided not to even tell Jason. I thought it would be cool to tell him Christmas day. I even decided to wait until after we had seen all our families so he wouldn't give anything away. Of course there probably were some hints since we were 'trying'. :) So, first of all that day at work was nuts; I couldn't think about anything else! I did my best to focus on work but in between customers all I though about was having 2 kids!! I was hoping for a boy because we even wanted Madison to be a boy but of course were thrilled when we found out both were girls. We could still have a boy. :) Well, Christmas Eve we do our Christmas with my family and I was just sitting there thinking how the next Christmas would be different with another baby around, etc; and it was so hard to not just shout it out! The next morning I wanted to tell Jason, but after we did our Christmas with Madison his parents were coming by, and I still didn't want to ruin it. So most of Christmas day was torture. After they left I wanted to tell him, but for some reason I waited. So, a few hours later; I went and got my hidden package and had Madison give it to him. I had taken a picture of the stick (instead of giving him the stick) and put a pacifier in a little gift box. He opened it and it took him a minute to realize what it meant. He said, "we're going to have another baby?" I clarified, yes and he was in shock for a few more hours (maybe even days). I was soooo relieved to tell someone! For some reason we waited about a month to tell everyone else. We did secretly tell a couple of close friends first just to get it off our chest, but we told our parents before we told the world! ;) I of course had Madison in a 'big sister' shirt and showed our parents. It took Jason's parents a second to realize what it said and kind of my mom too. Although I don't really blame them, I sewed it on a regular shirt and it was kind of hard to read. :) They gave pretty much the same response as with Madison, the nervousness about raising another baby, but also excitement! It was funny too because I was almost sure Hailey was a boy because the pregnancy was so different! I had so much morning sickness and heartburn with Madison and none of that with Hailey! In fact I never went into labor with Madison because she was breach. If you've read Hailey's story, I did have braxton hicks and ultimately went into labor. So, maybe the next pregnancy will be completely different from both! :) We shall see.
I do wonder how the next one will be. Most stories I've heard the rainbow babies are the opposite gender as the one lost. So maybe we'll get our boy. Although, I am completely torn because I was so set on another girl; being able to reuse so many things! I have loved having hand-me-downs for Madison from her cousins and was excited to do that with Hailey too; especially since I have a niece that was also born in August so her hand me downs would be the right season; where Madison's matched about half the time. So, of course then the thought came to me, what if we have twins? Yep, that would be crazy! It would be chaos, but I would completely embrace it as long as they were healthy! God knows what He's doing. Which is sooooo tricky sometimes! I know He does; and I fully trust Him, but I worry that it's part of His plan to take the next one as well. I now know I could probably handle it....maybe that would be 2 angels. It would be hard and would break my heart, but I would get through it with God and the support around us like we have with Hailey. Granted I don't want that, and hope and pray that is not part of His plan, but I am simply human and can only ask that He not take the next one. So, I will just trust in Him until the end.
Anyway, so those are my stories. :) I hope you enjoyed them!
Apparently I am quite a night owl and it's starting to drive me crazy, I was on a decent schedule there for a while. I'm trying to get back on it. The main reason I'm up tonight is I've made a decision; a decision I've made several times, but I REALLY want to stick to it this time! As I've mentioned before I am a mark. representative (they are a division of Avon, for those who don't know). I am not as into that stuff as I was before. Losing a child truly puts things in perspective for you! Well, my ultimate goal is still the same and I wanted to do it with mark. but that has changed. My goal is to be able to work from home in some capacity so I can stay home and still have an income. My current situation helps with that a lot because I am home 4 days a week and only work 3. Plus I can bring Madison (and any other children we have) to work with me! So, I decided tonight I am going to build up my Etsy page and do that! With Pintrest and me being so fascinated with Etsy lately for some kind of birthstone ring, etc; that's what I want to do!! I recently made some fabric bags you store your plastic bags in for work. We use plastic bags at work for the diapers in each class; so I made a fabric bag for each class! I also recently made a fabric trash bag for Jason's truck. I also have some reusable sandwich bags I sometimes use for school. So that will be some of the things I will have. I do have a few bags in my store right now and I'm not impressed. :) I want to do better. I may try to give those away, even though at the price they are; I practically am! ;) So, be looking out for that!
Until next time!
Naturally, I'll start with Madison; I completely love both stories, but Madison being our first it was pretty neat. We'd been trying for only a couple of months and somehow even before I took the test, I just knew. I don't know if it was because of anything physical (except the obvious) but mostly just internal. First of all, I am like clock work, so if I'm late, I notice. :) So that is one reason I figured I might be; I nervously got up early to take the home test. I waited, anxiously, each minute felt like 20! Finally the result was in and I couldn't believe it! Even as we told people I didn't believe it until the lab at the doctors office said it was. :) Well, the BEST part of the story was when I went into tell Jason, he was still asleep (it was a Sunday morning) and I woke him up and said that either I was pregnant or we were going to have a baby. He had the biggest grin on his face!!! I loved it! Yes, ultimately were still in shock and couldn't believe we were actually going to be parents!! The funny thing is we were sooo excited we couldn't wait to tell everyone. I sure wish we had and done something neat, we just couldn't wait. So, we called our parents and family and a few friends. I don't think we got a hold of our parents first, but I don't think it mattered! EVERYONE was soo excited for us. I think our parents were a little nervous because they are our parents and they just hope we'll be okay financially, etc; but at the same time...they're going to be grandparents!! For mine Madison was their 4th and for Jason's it was their 1st!! :) I vaguely remember much after that, until my belly started showing. Which I did check constantly because I had no idea what to expect so it was fun to take that journey! I actually worked downtown at the time so it ended up being a pretty good thing because I had to walk to the courthouse regularly, etc; so I got plenty of exercise! Of course as we got closer to my due date which happened to be Mother's Day that year, we discovered Madison wasn't going to turn....imagine that stubborn from the womb! ;) So we scheduled a c-section the Friday before, I worked up to that day and lucky me; I was still in the hospital on Mother's Day! I LOVED my first Mother's Day, mainly because I had her and got to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I especially loved that everyone came to me! :) I naturally still treasure every one since!
So, with Hailey, after Madison turned 2 we started talking about when we'd like to have another. I think we started trying a few months after. It took us a little longer with Hailey, I think because we were trying. ;) Not to mention with Madison I was on webmd constantly, charting, etc; so I'm surprised it wasn't more stressful. :) Instead it seemed to be more stressful the second time. I made myself crazy every month when I took the test. I think I got so worked up one month I was confused by the test because I was late but the test was negative. I think the stress made it late. So I decided I would just relax from then on out and about 2 months later; right before Christmas, I took a test. Nervous yet again, each minute slowly ticking by; until finally, it was positive!! I had already decided this time would be different because of how we did it with Madison. I actually had to go to work that day. I think it was the Wednesday before Christmas. It was torture because I decided not to even tell Jason. I thought it would be cool to tell him Christmas day. I even decided to wait until after we had seen all our families so he wouldn't give anything away. Of course there probably were some hints since we were 'trying'. :) So, first of all that day at work was nuts; I couldn't think about anything else! I did my best to focus on work but in between customers all I though about was having 2 kids!! I was hoping for a boy because we even wanted Madison to be a boy but of course were thrilled when we found out both were girls. We could still have a boy. :) Well, Christmas Eve we do our Christmas with my family and I was just sitting there thinking how the next Christmas would be different with another baby around, etc; and it was so hard to not just shout it out! The next morning I wanted to tell Jason, but after we did our Christmas with Madison his parents were coming by, and I still didn't want to ruin it. So most of Christmas day was torture. After they left I wanted to tell him, but for some reason I waited. So, a few hours later; I went and got my hidden package and had Madison give it to him. I had taken a picture of the stick (instead of giving him the stick) and put a pacifier in a little gift box. He opened it and it took him a minute to realize what it meant. He said, "we're going to have another baby?" I clarified, yes and he was in shock for a few more hours (maybe even days). I was soooo relieved to tell someone! For some reason we waited about a month to tell everyone else. We did secretly tell a couple of close friends first just to get it off our chest, but we told our parents before we told the world! ;) I of course had Madison in a 'big sister' shirt and showed our parents. It took Jason's parents a second to realize what it said and kind of my mom too. Although I don't really blame them, I sewed it on a regular shirt and it was kind of hard to read. :) They gave pretty much the same response as with Madison, the nervousness about raising another baby, but also excitement! It was funny too because I was almost sure Hailey was a boy because the pregnancy was so different! I had so much morning sickness and heartburn with Madison and none of that with Hailey! In fact I never went into labor with Madison because she was breach. If you've read Hailey's story, I did have braxton hicks and ultimately went into labor. So, maybe the next pregnancy will be completely different from both! :) We shall see.
I do wonder how the next one will be. Most stories I've heard the rainbow babies are the opposite gender as the one lost. So maybe we'll get our boy. Although, I am completely torn because I was so set on another girl; being able to reuse so many things! I have loved having hand-me-downs for Madison from her cousins and was excited to do that with Hailey too; especially since I have a niece that was also born in August so her hand me downs would be the right season; where Madison's matched about half the time. So, of course then the thought came to me, what if we have twins? Yep, that would be crazy! It would be chaos, but I would completely embrace it as long as they were healthy! God knows what He's doing. Which is sooooo tricky sometimes! I know He does; and I fully trust Him, but I worry that it's part of His plan to take the next one as well. I now know I could probably handle it....maybe that would be 2 angels. It would be hard and would break my heart, but I would get through it with God and the support around us like we have with Hailey. Granted I don't want that, and hope and pray that is not part of His plan, but I am simply human and can only ask that He not take the next one. So, I will just trust in Him until the end.
Anyway, so those are my stories. :) I hope you enjoyed them!
Apparently I am quite a night owl and it's starting to drive me crazy, I was on a decent schedule there for a while. I'm trying to get back on it. The main reason I'm up tonight is I've made a decision; a decision I've made several times, but I REALLY want to stick to it this time! As I've mentioned before I am a mark. representative (they are a division of Avon, for those who don't know). I am not as into that stuff as I was before. Losing a child truly puts things in perspective for you! Well, my ultimate goal is still the same and I wanted to do it with mark. but that has changed. My goal is to be able to work from home in some capacity so I can stay home and still have an income. My current situation helps with that a lot because I am home 4 days a week and only work 3. Plus I can bring Madison (and any other children we have) to work with me! So, I decided tonight I am going to build up my Etsy page and do that! With Pintrest and me being so fascinated with Etsy lately for some kind of birthstone ring, etc; that's what I want to do!! I recently made some fabric bags you store your plastic bags in for work. We use plastic bags at work for the diapers in each class; so I made a fabric bag for each class! I also recently made a fabric trash bag for Jason's truck. I also have some reusable sandwich bags I sometimes use for school. So that will be some of the things I will have. I do have a few bags in my store right now and I'm not impressed. :) I want to do better. I may try to give those away, even though at the price they are; I practically am! ;) So, be looking out for that!
Until next time!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness
So I wanted to share my day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I had debated what I wanted to do. I wanted to do something for all the angels I knew of in heaven. I had heard about some angel mommies painting rocks; so that's what I chose to do; plus I knew it would be something Madison would be able to help with. She loves painting lately, so it was a fun project for us. Of course being a little bit of perfectionist, she had to have her own rocks because I was afraid she would mess something up. :) So after lunch we went out and found some rocks that would work to be painted on, washed them off and got to painting. I felt like I needed bigger rocks or 'write' smaller. :) Ultimately it turned out well and like anything I was just loving getting to honor my friends babies! I absolutely felt like Hailey and her friends were watching over us today and just smiling down on us because they loved us and knew we were in good hands and doing well because we knew they were watching over us. Yes it took up most of my day, but I completely enjoyed it! I actually intended to go to Hobby Lobby and get something to paint (I actually used to do that when I was bored in high school); but since I decided on rocks, didn't feel like I needed to. So, maybe I still will sometime this week and get one of those ceramic plate things and decorate it something about angels and put my rocks on it!
It is interesting to see all the names together because it makes me realize the people around us and how God knew we needed to be together. I love everyone of these people! Even before we lost Hailey I felt like I knew how great it was to have them in my life and now I truly understand! Granted I am extremely grateful for EVERY person in my life, but naturally these will hold a special place in my heart!
I did also light a couple of candles at about 7pm for our angels as well. I like to think all the angels were looking down and seeing them across the world glowing for them. I can only imagine what that looked like!!
Here is the picture of the rocks all painted and below it I will give a brief story (from my perspective) of each. :)
So, I won't be specific, but will tell you a little about the above and how they have impacted me. First I will start with 4 of them that all went to heaven at the same time; a friend of mine whom I had met in high school and we weren't/aren't terribly close, but I think with everything we still have a little bond. I actually found out on my wedding day that she had lost them! I don't know what happened or what her story is, but I remember that and we even decided to go hang out with our friends that night after our wedding (we got the idea from some friends of ours). We actually ran into my friends parents at the restaurant and seeing the tears in their eyes, just broke my heart. How interesting that a day of loss was also a day of joy. Granted I found out pretty early on that day and although I decided I was going to focus on the wedding, they were in the back of my mind that whole day! My heart broke for them. I had no idea what they were dealing with, but I still hurt for them. Although I will add, they now have a set of twins that are pretty close to Madison's age!
Next is actually one closer to me; I lost a niece or nephew. My brother and sister-in-law lost one in between their two girls. It was early on, so we really don't know if it was a boy or girl, but either way I can understand the pain. That is what is amazing, and what many people don't get; yes some say it was an early loss and they may not have "bonded" with them; but that is not entirely true! For me and most women, we bond, plan, dream, etc of that baby the DAY, the MINUTE we find out we're pregnant!! This one also makes me think that maybe it was one of those that if that hadn't happened we wouldn't have my brother's second daughter. I CANNOT imagine the world without her!! That girl is full of life and personality!! Not to say any of my nieces are any less, it's just amazing! :)
Naturally my friend I've mentioned many times that had triplets and lost two of them are included in this. I can only think to begin where their story begins! She was admitted the day they found out they were all girls and she was on bed-rest for awhile. We actually went to see them during their hospital stay (before the babies were born) and that was interesting because Madison was only a few months old! I remember hearing what happened and kept up with everything she posted. I reached out to her any way I could and tried to give her space and let her contact me when she needed me because again, I had no idea what she was dealing with, but I hurt for her soo much! Looking back and having been through it, I kind of wish I had been a little more adamant but that's not my personality and I didn't want to intrude or come off in a bad way. I just hope knowing that I was there if she needed me helped. I know that has helped me from the many that continue to reach out. I feel awful for not reaching back, but I honestly don't know what I'd reach for. Not to mention most of the time it's really weird hours or times that it hits me!
Next I'll mention a very interesting one. Being a mark. rep, there is a forum where you can post questions, ideas, etc about the business and products. They also have a board where you can post about things unrelated to mark. Several months back I posted about names, wanted to broaden our resources for ideas of names. Even though we had it narrowed to a couple I wanted to make sure. Well, of course after everything happened I posted what happened and when I went back to check posts after; there was an interesting one. Another rep had been through the same thing! She said she even had to go back and post about her loss as I did. Although she has since had a rainbow baby, so she will be a good resource; but it has helped to have yet another who understands what I'm going through. Not to mention it's amazing how close you can feel to someone you've never met when we share something like this!
Next is one that I had mentioned in my previous post. She had found out a little after I did and lost it at 12 weeks and had her due date this past week. I do actually kind of hope we will be pregnant at the same time again and have our healthy rainbow babies close together. I still remember the day she told me what happened, she has one of those personalities that you just can't help smile around her no matter what she's talking about. She mentioned it so matter of factly it actually kind of threw me off! It was one of those moments that right after she walked away, I thought, what did I just say? I wish I would have hugged her or said something else. Either way, I think with time it doesn't matter what I said, but that I'm working on being there if she needs it will help. It's funny too because with our loss, I am finding we have a couple of more things in common (nothing big) but we are pretty close in age, a little less than a year apart and our oldest children are the same age. Granted she has boys and I have a girl. :) We also both love crafts and sewing! So maybe this is something to bring us closer; we'll see. :)
One of the babies is from a friend I went to church with I apparently knew before we met again in youth group, we just didn't know until later. She has 4 boys and I think the one she lost was either between the first and second or second and third. I remember hearing about it and as with all the others, I hurt for them and my heart broke! I believe hers was before I was married or close to it. I truly had no idea what she was dealing with, but I could only imagine. Being a close friend, it didn't matter to me that I didn't understand, I still hurt because my friend hurt!
Another of my friends from church actually lost hers this year, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she had gone in for surgery or something that led to the surgery. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about her loss so I'm not sure if it's hit her since she didn't know until it was lost. I am sure she still feels the pain that one was lost. I still felt for her as well when she told me about it.
Finally is a friend that went to our church for a short while in high school. I think we hung out a few times, mostly during youth group functions. I didn't even know she had lost one until after I'd lost Hailey; of course we had just reconnected through Facebook while I was pregnant. She also had a son right after losing her twins. I definitely felt her pain when she mentioned that to me, because when I found out I totally understood!
It's funny how we go through life and when we hear about certain things we think, 'that will never happen to me' or 'I hope that doesn't happen to me'. I can't say I didn't think that when I heard most of these stories, but even then I knew that if it did God would take care of me and He would have a reason. Maybe that's why I have handled Hailey's loss like I have. Not to mention having all of these incredible people in my life!!! It is interesting that most have had children after or already had children. Maybe that's what makes it hard is knowing that the other went so well, but that one didn't. That's where faith and peace come in! God has a plan and a reason, we have to trust and have peace that they are watching over us!
I did want to also mention, as I was saying earlier that we as women (or at least I have), plan and dream of and for our babies the minute that stick has a plus sign or two lines or whatever! I very clearly remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Hailey. We'd been trying for a few months and I got worked up every time I took the test! So when it was positive I was thrilled!! I was going to go into my whole story of how I told Jason, etc; but I think I'll save that for another blog and include the story of when we found out with Madison...I love both stories!! You will too :)
So for those who haven't been there and can't relate, it doesn't mean you can't still reach out and be our friend! If you at least try, that means the world to me (us)! There will be times we'd rather talk to someone who understands, but most of the time, I'm happy just talking about it to anyone who will listen.
Until next time.
It is interesting to see all the names together because it makes me realize the people around us and how God knew we needed to be together. I love everyone of these people! Even before we lost Hailey I felt like I knew how great it was to have them in my life and now I truly understand! Granted I am extremely grateful for EVERY person in my life, but naturally these will hold a special place in my heart!
I did also light a couple of candles at about 7pm for our angels as well. I like to think all the angels were looking down and seeing them across the world glowing for them. I can only imagine what that looked like!!
Here is the picture of the rocks all painted and below it I will give a brief story (from my perspective) of each. :)
So, I won't be specific, but will tell you a little about the above and how they have impacted me. First I will start with 4 of them that all went to heaven at the same time; a friend of mine whom I had met in high school and we weren't/aren't terribly close, but I think with everything we still have a little bond. I actually found out on my wedding day that she had lost them! I don't know what happened or what her story is, but I remember that and we even decided to go hang out with our friends that night after our wedding (we got the idea from some friends of ours). We actually ran into my friends parents at the restaurant and seeing the tears in their eyes, just broke my heart. How interesting that a day of loss was also a day of joy. Granted I found out pretty early on that day and although I decided I was going to focus on the wedding, they were in the back of my mind that whole day! My heart broke for them. I had no idea what they were dealing with, but I still hurt for them. Although I will add, they now have a set of twins that are pretty close to Madison's age!
Next is actually one closer to me; I lost a niece or nephew. My brother and sister-in-law lost one in between their two girls. It was early on, so we really don't know if it was a boy or girl, but either way I can understand the pain. That is what is amazing, and what many people don't get; yes some say it was an early loss and they may not have "bonded" with them; but that is not entirely true! For me and most women, we bond, plan, dream, etc of that baby the DAY, the MINUTE we find out we're pregnant!! This one also makes me think that maybe it was one of those that if that hadn't happened we wouldn't have my brother's second daughter. I CANNOT imagine the world without her!! That girl is full of life and personality!! Not to say any of my nieces are any less, it's just amazing! :)
Naturally my friend I've mentioned many times that had triplets and lost two of them are included in this. I can only think to begin where their story begins! She was admitted the day they found out they were all girls and she was on bed-rest for awhile. We actually went to see them during their hospital stay (before the babies were born) and that was interesting because Madison was only a few months old! I remember hearing what happened and kept up with everything she posted. I reached out to her any way I could and tried to give her space and let her contact me when she needed me because again, I had no idea what she was dealing with, but I hurt for her soo much! Looking back and having been through it, I kind of wish I had been a little more adamant but that's not my personality and I didn't want to intrude or come off in a bad way. I just hope knowing that I was there if she needed me helped. I know that has helped me from the many that continue to reach out. I feel awful for not reaching back, but I honestly don't know what I'd reach for. Not to mention most of the time it's really weird hours or times that it hits me!
Next I'll mention a very interesting one. Being a mark. rep, there is a forum where you can post questions, ideas, etc about the business and products. They also have a board where you can post about things unrelated to mark. Several months back I posted about names, wanted to broaden our resources for ideas of names. Even though we had it narrowed to a couple I wanted to make sure. Well, of course after everything happened I posted what happened and when I went back to check posts after; there was an interesting one. Another rep had been through the same thing! She said she even had to go back and post about her loss as I did. Although she has since had a rainbow baby, so she will be a good resource; but it has helped to have yet another who understands what I'm going through. Not to mention it's amazing how close you can feel to someone you've never met when we share something like this!
Next is one that I had mentioned in my previous post. She had found out a little after I did and lost it at 12 weeks and had her due date this past week. I do actually kind of hope we will be pregnant at the same time again and have our healthy rainbow babies close together. I still remember the day she told me what happened, she has one of those personalities that you just can't help smile around her no matter what she's talking about. She mentioned it so matter of factly it actually kind of threw me off! It was one of those moments that right after she walked away, I thought, what did I just say? I wish I would have hugged her or said something else. Either way, I think with time it doesn't matter what I said, but that I'm working on being there if she needs it will help. It's funny too because with our loss, I am finding we have a couple of more things in common (nothing big) but we are pretty close in age, a little less than a year apart and our oldest children are the same age. Granted she has boys and I have a girl. :) We also both love crafts and sewing! So maybe this is something to bring us closer; we'll see. :)
One of the babies is from a friend I went to church with I apparently knew before we met again in youth group, we just didn't know until later. She has 4 boys and I think the one she lost was either between the first and second or second and third. I remember hearing about it and as with all the others, I hurt for them and my heart broke! I believe hers was before I was married or close to it. I truly had no idea what she was dealing with, but I could only imagine. Being a close friend, it didn't matter to me that I didn't understand, I still hurt because my friend hurt!
Another of my friends from church actually lost hers this year, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she had gone in for surgery or something that led to the surgery. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about her loss so I'm not sure if it's hit her since she didn't know until it was lost. I am sure she still feels the pain that one was lost. I still felt for her as well when she told me about it.
Finally is a friend that went to our church for a short while in high school. I think we hung out a few times, mostly during youth group functions. I didn't even know she had lost one until after I'd lost Hailey; of course we had just reconnected through Facebook while I was pregnant. She also had a son right after losing her twins. I definitely felt her pain when she mentioned that to me, because when I found out I totally understood!
It's funny how we go through life and when we hear about certain things we think, 'that will never happen to me' or 'I hope that doesn't happen to me'. I can't say I didn't think that when I heard most of these stories, but even then I knew that if it did God would take care of me and He would have a reason. Maybe that's why I have handled Hailey's loss like I have. Not to mention having all of these incredible people in my life!!! It is interesting that most have had children after or already had children. Maybe that's what makes it hard is knowing that the other went so well, but that one didn't. That's where faith and peace come in! God has a plan and a reason, we have to trust and have peace that they are watching over us!
I did want to also mention, as I was saying earlier that we as women (or at least I have), plan and dream of and for our babies the minute that stick has a plus sign or two lines or whatever! I very clearly remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Hailey. We'd been trying for a few months and I got worked up every time I took the test! So when it was positive I was thrilled!! I was going to go into my whole story of how I told Jason, etc; but I think I'll save that for another blog and include the story of when we found out with Madison...I love both stories!! You will too :)
So for those who haven't been there and can't relate, it doesn't mean you can't still reach out and be our friend! If you at least try, that means the world to me (us)! There will be times we'd rather talk to someone who understands, but most of the time, I'm happy just talking about it to anyone who will listen.
Until next time.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Work and Blessings
So I've been at work for about 2 weeks now and it has gone really well. I have surprised myself! The first day was a little tricky because for one thing I was in a different class room than when I left so I had a new routine to learn. Second, I think I kind of psyched myself up a little; but mainly I did pretty well! My main concern was seeing a friend and her baby because we worked together at the MDO and were pregnant together and were even scheduled for the same time! So I was worried that seeing her baby or even her would remind me of Hailey and upset me. Ultimately the opposite was true! She didn't have the baby the first time and when I saw her it was like seeing her any other time and it didn't get me worked up! Today she had the baby with her and even that was like seeing her with her baby! No big deal! I'm very glad it went that way. It is interesting too because most days I don't think about Hailey as the baby I lost I think of Hailey as my angel in Heaven watching over me! I love that!
It has also been fun to see and hear Madison's terms and versions of where Hailey is and what happened. Tonight, for example, we were sitting outside enjoying the night and Madison was sitting on my lap. I squeezed her and she asked my why. I told her I wouldn't get to squeeze Hailey like that until I was in Heaven with her. Madison said, "when I was a baby and I died...." I corrected that. I cannot fathom what that thought process is to go there. She did follow that statement with something about waking up and growing, growing. Their thought process is interesting! Well, while we were outside, we were saying what we could hear. We were sitting on the front porch so we were talking about the wind chimes. Madison then told me what Hailey was saying! She told me Hailey said she misses me and told Daddy she loves him. My heart melted! I love that idea in every way!!! The fact that Madison said it like she really heard that and the fact that she thought that up! Although I kind of like to think it's true! :) Also, earlier today we were walking in somewhere while running errands and I told Madison (because she said she was bringing her Hailey bear in with her; which she takes everywhere) I wish we were really taking Hailey with us, that she were here to do that. Of course Madison with the solution, we can pretend and she even said, "see, she's walking with us". I did tell Madison that she was watching over us in Heaven, though.
This journey has been pretty wild! So many emotions, so much of everything! It's also interesting to get other people's perceptions! A lot of people I encounter expect me to be so emotional I cry at the sight of any baby and have a hard time talking about it. I cannot honestly contribute the way I handle it to anyone other than God! I still thoroughly believe all the prayers helped me in the beginning! I still worry how Jason is handling it because he doesn't talk as much as I do! I'm not sure if I get it from my mom or dad, but I have actually been quite the talker about the Hailey thing lately! It is quite funny, too because most of the time I can see when I'm talking to someone that they are almost surprised how much I talk about it and how well I deal with it. I feel like most moms that want to talk all day about their kids, unfortunately I only have the time I had with Hailey, the rest is mostly about what I was planning for her and what I imagined it would be like with Madison and Hailey. Not to mention, the awareness! Obviously I'm aware it happens and worried that it could at any time, and I by no means think we should all be overly paranoid we just need to be aware. Like my mom and I were saying earlier; we're okay now, it's the 9 months of the next pregnancy we'll be worried/anxious.
I did want to mention my doctor's office called the other day; they had taken blood the last time I went to run some tests and the lab was back. They wanted to see if I had anything that might have contributed to the abruption in my blood. There was nothing abnormal. Everything was fine. Which is good and bad. Good because we know it's not that, bad because we don't know what. Although I am hoping this means the likelihood of another abruption is pretty slim! Although, the funny thing is I had a thought this week; I can't decide if I really want a boy or girl next and thought, well what if God gives us one of each? Twins? Yes it would be a blessing, but also crazy! Talk about God doesn't give you more than you can handle. :) I will honestly be happy either way! As long as whatever it is it's born healthy and lives a long healthy life! :) At least as long as God intends! I had a friend tell me the other day that there is a reason for everything and it was funny because I believe it to be completely true! It's hard to decifer the crime and bad things that happen, but at least with this Hailey thing, I believe it's for something bigger; something greater! It definitely makes you think about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! :)
So, I won't be specific, but I wanted to mention a few other people and how it's helped on my journey (at least this month). A couple of weeks ago I had a friend on Facebook, who had her baby and during her stay ending up going through several procedures and literally had to have things done to save her life; it scared me because she had a new baby (not to mention her other children) and her life was in the balance for a while. The funny thing about Facebook is you only get so much information; understandably so, but it can also be frustrating. Yes I could have tried to call her, but it's been so long since I've talked to her and only barely met her family I figured I'd wait it out. Either way, I prayed every time I thought about her! Things are really put into perspective when you go through tough times. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant about the same time I did; a little after and she lost it early on; her due date is coming up and I felt like I needed to make her something or at least do something for her! I made her a bracelet and she loved it. I just am happy she liked it. I was worried about her reaction, and honestly am okay if she just keeps the bracelet in her jewelry box or whatever. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. She has been one that has truly made me realize that even though it was a miscarriage, it's still a loss. Yes maybe she didn't have as much time with that baby, but she still had the dreams, the ideas, the plans. I have always been afraid of a miscarriage or something and now that I've lost a baby, I still worry! One of my best friends just mentioned she's pregnant and I am so excited for her! I am amazed, how I feel about it! I thought I would be hurt or upset, but I'm not! I was bummed that we wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, but that's okay. I am worried and will be praying her pregnancy goes well and the baby is healthy! Every day the people I encounter there is ultimately a purpose these people are in our lives! Like the friends we have that have lost 2 babies also, who knew that these two people who worked together years ago and decided to have a couples night would be where we are now? Also who knew that all the people in my life right now would be exactly who I needed? God knew and He made sure everyone was where they needed to be! It's also interesting that two of my friends that lost babies have children Madison's age so maybe that's part of it; maybe the bigger plan is for them, not necessarily us! God knows and is always at work and someday we will see the big picture but we'll have to take the little pieces for now. :)
I am SOOO grateful for where I am in my life; the people in my life! I am blessed and will thank God for everything He has given me and will continue to do so. He has put me down this path for a reason and although I do miss Hailey tons and would love to hear her cry right now; I know He has a reason for it and someday I will hold her again!
Until next time!
It has also been fun to see and hear Madison's terms and versions of where Hailey is and what happened. Tonight, for example, we were sitting outside enjoying the night and Madison was sitting on my lap. I squeezed her and she asked my why. I told her I wouldn't get to squeeze Hailey like that until I was in Heaven with her. Madison said, "when I was a baby and I died...." I corrected that. I cannot fathom what that thought process is to go there. She did follow that statement with something about waking up and growing, growing. Their thought process is interesting! Well, while we were outside, we were saying what we could hear. We were sitting on the front porch so we were talking about the wind chimes. Madison then told me what Hailey was saying! She told me Hailey said she misses me and told Daddy she loves him. My heart melted! I love that idea in every way!!! The fact that Madison said it like she really heard that and the fact that she thought that up! Although I kind of like to think it's true! :) Also, earlier today we were walking in somewhere while running errands and I told Madison (because she said she was bringing her Hailey bear in with her; which she takes everywhere) I wish we were really taking Hailey with us, that she were here to do that. Of course Madison with the solution, we can pretend and she even said, "see, she's walking with us". I did tell Madison that she was watching over us in Heaven, though.
This journey has been pretty wild! So many emotions, so much of everything! It's also interesting to get other people's perceptions! A lot of people I encounter expect me to be so emotional I cry at the sight of any baby and have a hard time talking about it. I cannot honestly contribute the way I handle it to anyone other than God! I still thoroughly believe all the prayers helped me in the beginning! I still worry how Jason is handling it because he doesn't talk as much as I do! I'm not sure if I get it from my mom or dad, but I have actually been quite the talker about the Hailey thing lately! It is quite funny, too because most of the time I can see when I'm talking to someone that they are almost surprised how much I talk about it and how well I deal with it. I feel like most moms that want to talk all day about their kids, unfortunately I only have the time I had with Hailey, the rest is mostly about what I was planning for her and what I imagined it would be like with Madison and Hailey. Not to mention, the awareness! Obviously I'm aware it happens and worried that it could at any time, and I by no means think we should all be overly paranoid we just need to be aware. Like my mom and I were saying earlier; we're okay now, it's the 9 months of the next pregnancy we'll be worried/anxious.
I did want to mention my doctor's office called the other day; they had taken blood the last time I went to run some tests and the lab was back. They wanted to see if I had anything that might have contributed to the abruption in my blood. There was nothing abnormal. Everything was fine. Which is good and bad. Good because we know it's not that, bad because we don't know what. Although I am hoping this means the likelihood of another abruption is pretty slim! Although, the funny thing is I had a thought this week; I can't decide if I really want a boy or girl next and thought, well what if God gives us one of each? Twins? Yes it would be a blessing, but also crazy! Talk about God doesn't give you more than you can handle. :) I will honestly be happy either way! As long as whatever it is it's born healthy and lives a long healthy life! :) At least as long as God intends! I had a friend tell me the other day that there is a reason for everything and it was funny because I believe it to be completely true! It's hard to decifer the crime and bad things that happen, but at least with this Hailey thing, I believe it's for something bigger; something greater! It definitely makes you think about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! :)
So, I won't be specific, but I wanted to mention a few other people and how it's helped on my journey (at least this month). A couple of weeks ago I had a friend on Facebook, who had her baby and during her stay ending up going through several procedures and literally had to have things done to save her life; it scared me because she had a new baby (not to mention her other children) and her life was in the balance for a while. The funny thing about Facebook is you only get so much information; understandably so, but it can also be frustrating. Yes I could have tried to call her, but it's been so long since I've talked to her and only barely met her family I figured I'd wait it out. Either way, I prayed every time I thought about her! Things are really put into perspective when you go through tough times. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant about the same time I did; a little after and she lost it early on; her due date is coming up and I felt like I needed to make her something or at least do something for her! I made her a bracelet and she loved it. I just am happy she liked it. I was worried about her reaction, and honestly am okay if she just keeps the bracelet in her jewelry box or whatever. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. She has been one that has truly made me realize that even though it was a miscarriage, it's still a loss. Yes maybe she didn't have as much time with that baby, but she still had the dreams, the ideas, the plans. I have always been afraid of a miscarriage or something and now that I've lost a baby, I still worry! One of my best friends just mentioned she's pregnant and I am so excited for her! I am amazed, how I feel about it! I thought I would be hurt or upset, but I'm not! I was bummed that we wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, but that's okay. I am worried and will be praying her pregnancy goes well and the baby is healthy! Every day the people I encounter there is ultimately a purpose these people are in our lives! Like the friends we have that have lost 2 babies also, who knew that these two people who worked together years ago and decided to have a couples night would be where we are now? Also who knew that all the people in my life right now would be exactly who I needed? God knew and He made sure everyone was where they needed to be! It's also interesting that two of my friends that lost babies have children Madison's age so maybe that's part of it; maybe the bigger plan is for them, not necessarily us! God knows and is always at work and someday we will see the big picture but we'll have to take the little pieces for now. :)
I am SOOO grateful for where I am in my life; the people in my life! I am blessed and will thank God for everything He has given me and will continue to do so. He has put me down this path for a reason and although I do miss Hailey tons and would love to hear her cry right now; I know He has a reason for it and someday I will hold her again!
Until next time!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Processing
Well, I just wanted to update a little. Not much has changed as far as my day to day. I have my bad moments as expected but I do still have a peace that feels like it's there all the time; even in my hard times. I still hurt and always miss my little girl! I've just decided it mainly stinks because she's there and I'm not and I'm here and she's not. I am enjoying every precious moment I have here on earth and with my family and friends; although I cannot wait to see Hailey again, and all those there with her.
Last week I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up and everything looks good and she said when I am emotionally ready to work, I was physically ready. I actually think I could have gone to work the week before that! It was getting hard to be home alone so much especially when I was supposed to be taking care of Hailey. I think I was also just getting stir crazy. I did have a few questions for her; but I will a whole lot more when we get pregnant next time. :) It will be a wild ride, but I'm up for the challenge. :)
Also, for some reason I have been completely obsessed with looking for jewelry; mostly rings and all birthstone colors! I found a really neat ring on Etsy that is Hailey's birthstone. It was a really good price and I was a little hesitant to pay too much for handmade; but none the less I did find some that I liked at Zales. I had originally planned (even when I was pregnant with Hailey) to buy a mother ring; but seeing that I'd want at least 3 stones I'd have to wait for the next one to even think about it. Instead I've gotten fascinated with the stackable rings; so that's what I've been looking at on Zales. Everywhere has some decent ones; I did even find some on Amazon that weren't too bad, I just wanted to be able to pick it out and see it instead of wait for it; which made it so tricky with my Etsy order, but it turned out very well! :)
I figured more for the emotional, but I had planned all along to go back to work today. So I went back to work today! It was pretty crazy, we had a few changes and the only thing that really got me about going back to work was when I was getting things ready the night before, because I wasn't getting things ready for 3 of us. Getting there and going in felt pretty normal since I'd done it so many times just the two of us and with me being in a different class than when I left kept me a little distracted so that helped. Plus I had to learn about each child in my new class so that kept me busy too. :) Ultimately as I felt before I still feel the same; I missed it! I love playing with the kids! I love seeing what fascinates them, at all ages! :)
We also had a play date with our friends who have had a loss as well. They have a daughter Madison's age. They played so well, they get along so great! I know that since they have both lost sisters that maybe it will help them bond even more and maybe someday will help them through a tough situation. It was also nice to talk with her mom, my friend. I guess I'm just a talker in general, so through this process it has helped to talk as much as I can; and it helps that much more when you talk to someone who has been through what you've been through. That is always true for any situation. I have found a few people on the support website and one from the mark. forums which helps talking online, etc. For some reason it seems a little different and reassuring having somone in person you can have around. It definitely has me excited to try the support groups. I haven't decided if I would go without Jason, so I'm going to try to get him to go as well. I think it would be great for us as a couple and in general. I did get a pamplet from my doctor for counselors, I haven't called any yet; I want to make sure we can afford it. :)
I have also been going back to church pretty regular and it helps a lot; it just shows me and reaffirms that He is watching over us, He is giving me peace. I love it for that and to see that everyone there does love us and cares about us and continues to support us.
Also, wanted to mention it should be fun this weekend, Jason and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage! It's amazing! I can't believe it's been five years; in a good way, of course! Which means we'll have been together 9 years! Not to mention being friends years before that! We've been through a lot and still in it for whatever may continue to come our way. We have definitely grown a lot in many ways. ;) I still love him as much as the day we got together! :)
Until next time. :)
Last week I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up and everything looks good and she said when I am emotionally ready to work, I was physically ready. I actually think I could have gone to work the week before that! It was getting hard to be home alone so much especially when I was supposed to be taking care of Hailey. I think I was also just getting stir crazy. I did have a few questions for her; but I will a whole lot more when we get pregnant next time. :) It will be a wild ride, but I'm up for the challenge. :)
Also, for some reason I have been completely obsessed with looking for jewelry; mostly rings and all birthstone colors! I found a really neat ring on Etsy that is Hailey's birthstone. It was a really good price and I was a little hesitant to pay too much for handmade; but none the less I did find some that I liked at Zales. I had originally planned (even when I was pregnant with Hailey) to buy a mother ring; but seeing that I'd want at least 3 stones I'd have to wait for the next one to even think about it. Instead I've gotten fascinated with the stackable rings; so that's what I've been looking at on Zales. Everywhere has some decent ones; I did even find some on Amazon that weren't too bad, I just wanted to be able to pick it out and see it instead of wait for it; which made it so tricky with my Etsy order, but it turned out very well! :)
I figured more for the emotional, but I had planned all along to go back to work today. So I went back to work today! It was pretty crazy, we had a few changes and the only thing that really got me about going back to work was when I was getting things ready the night before, because I wasn't getting things ready for 3 of us. Getting there and going in felt pretty normal since I'd done it so many times just the two of us and with me being in a different class than when I left kept me a little distracted so that helped. Plus I had to learn about each child in my new class so that kept me busy too. :) Ultimately as I felt before I still feel the same; I missed it! I love playing with the kids! I love seeing what fascinates them, at all ages! :)
We also had a play date with our friends who have had a loss as well. They have a daughter Madison's age. They played so well, they get along so great! I know that since they have both lost sisters that maybe it will help them bond even more and maybe someday will help them through a tough situation. It was also nice to talk with her mom, my friend. I guess I'm just a talker in general, so through this process it has helped to talk as much as I can; and it helps that much more when you talk to someone who has been through what you've been through. That is always true for any situation. I have found a few people on the support website and one from the mark. forums which helps talking online, etc. For some reason it seems a little different and reassuring having somone in person you can have around. It definitely has me excited to try the support groups. I haven't decided if I would go without Jason, so I'm going to try to get him to go as well. I think it would be great for us as a couple and in general. I did get a pamplet from my doctor for counselors, I haven't called any yet; I want to make sure we can afford it. :)
Madison playing hopscotch with Hailey :)
I have also been going back to church pretty regular and it helps a lot; it just shows me and reaffirms that He is watching over us, He is giving me peace. I love it for that and to see that everyone there does love us and cares about us and continues to support us.
Also, wanted to mention it should be fun this weekend, Jason and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage! It's amazing! I can't believe it's been five years; in a good way, of course! Which means we'll have been together 9 years! Not to mention being friends years before that! We've been through a lot and still in it for whatever may continue to come our way. We have definitely grown a lot in many ways. ;) I still love him as much as the day we got together! :)
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