Thanksgiving.....

So Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. I think Jason and I did surprisingly well! The day itself seemed kinda like a regular day. We usually meet up with Jason's family on Saturdays if everyone is available and always have Sunday lunches with my family, so it just felt like one weekend smashed into one day with a few differences. I am SO thankful for Madison! One of the things that almost got me on Thanksgiving Day was when my dad was doing the prayer before eating and I think said something about being thankful for those with us or something because it got me thinking of Hailey and that she wasn't there. Of course after the prayer Madison is ready to get her food, so I jump right in and don't have a chance to dwell. Not that it would have been a big deal if I cried but, I hate the fuss when we cry like that, so I'm glad Madison kept me busy.
As I've mentioned several times, I am truly at peace with where Hailey is and do realize I will never hold her here on earth again; but I do look forward to the day when I see her in Heaven again. It is interesting, because I was on Facebook yesterday and mentioning that I was thankful that I am alive; it really got me thinking. I could have also lost my life (from what I'm told) if we hadn't made it in time, etc. I cannot imagine if I was already up there with Hailey; sure it'd be nice to know what she's like, but I couldn't imagine not seeing Madison grow up! It's weird when I think of that because it's like trying to pick which child you want to be with.....it's impossible, I want both. :) Someday. It was also interesting because on Thanksgiving Day, with our modern technology, I had my phone handy at the table; probably shouldn't have for many reasons, but I did; one of my new dear friends that is also an 'Angel Mommy' had posted that she was thinking about her fellow mommies that were having their first Thanksgiving since losing their babies and reading all that, almost got me going, but I tried not to dwell in it and instead got into the conversation with my family. :) I am truly thankful for them! Always a good laugh! :)
I think part of doing okay on Thanksgiving is there are many days I imagine what life would be like going places with Madison and a baby carrier, so Thanksgiving was just part of that. I do it everywhere, imagining using a carriage holder/stand at the restaurants, having her sleeping in the next room at lunch, etc. Last week I had been fighting a pretty decent cold and had the wonderful luck of getting a fever so I couldn't make it to work. Being that I am a 'teacher' I had to find a sub. The sub I got a hold of is my friend who had her baby the day Hailey was scheduled to be born. My boss told me she couldn't sub because there wasn't room in the nursery......it kinda hit me because if Hailey had lived her daughter would have just taken Hailey's place for the day. That same sub was in my class Tues because the teacher I usually work with wasn't there. So, she had to step out and feed her baby a couple of times, and I just imagined that it could have been me. It does make me a little sad that it's not; but in my thinking it's not so much that it's not Hailey, it's that it's not any baby of mine. Monday Madison and I went on a playdate with some of our friends who both have 2 children. It is getting hard for me because I just want another baby! I know it can't be Hailey and that's ok, I just wish I could at least be pregnant or trying right now. When we went on our playdate there was a girl in the play place named Hailey; was more like a 'huh' moment than sad. I guess because I'm at the halfway point to being able to try again, and seeing so many having babies, etc it definitely gives me the fever!! There are at least 3 kids in Madison's class at school with baby siblings, I want that to be Madison so bad. I know that God has perfect timing. This is also why we aren't just given patience, we have to learn it; I am certainly learning it! I have been trying to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open in the past few months! God is putting people in my life that need to be there and most of them are people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I was added to an Angel Mommies group on Facebook and added a couple of my fellow 'angel mommies' and someone noted the increase of Oklahomans, one of the administrators is in Oklahoma! Not only that, one of her twins was also Hailey. Granted she lost hers 2 years ago, but it's amazing to see the similarities. I also was recently connected with another angel mommy through a mutual friend. Which really gets me thinking of how extensive God plans people to be in our lives! The mutual friend I 'met' in youth group in church and after hanging out a few times, we realized that her mom used to baby sit my brother and I when we were younger! So the idea that God had us cross paths when we were children, for us to be connect after having our own children....it's amazing! If I hadn't not only known her as a child and 'met' her in youth I would have never met the friend she introduced me to. You could go so many ways with things like that if we really thought about it!
Granted, so far Halloween and Thanksgiving have been good.....Christmas will be crazy! It will be different because we will all be sitting around, opening our respective presents except for one.....not to mention, that I found out right before Christmas that I was pregnant! It will be hard, but I have a good group around me and know we'll get through it. Of course next summer will be super emotional too; especially because I hope to be pregnant then so that will be fun. :)
Anyway, we're hanging in there. I did also want to mention, in case it wasn't clear, Jason is not straying from God in anyway, he is just having a hard time dealing with losing Hailey and the questions that might come with it. Granted a lot of it is similar to what I went through, we just did it at different times. Like I did mention in my previous post a lot of it is dealing with the fact that we lost Hailey and so many out there have children that do not take care of them. Which, is frustrating to see regardless.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know how we are doing and how we did during the holiday. Also, that we are thankful for what we have. I keep Hailey's picture (and Madison's) and piece of her blanket around my neck (close to my heart) at all times and I love feeling like she is always with me and someday I will see her and play tickle fight with her!
Until next time...