Crossroads?

So, I feel like I am slightly at a crossroads or something. I don't know if it has been an answer to prayer or something else, but I have definitely felt like God did need Hailey more than me, and that is why she is in Heaven. Granted that may sound a little crazy, but He is God and anything that He does is for a greater purpose!! I have had such a peace with this realization. Granted many may disagree and I am not even sure I'm right, but at this point I don't care too much because it makes me feel so much better with this idea! Everytime I am thinking about how I miss her, I immediately push the idea aside because she is with Jesus watching over us! Even when we were in Stillwater today, I was a little sad because the last time we went up there she was with us because we wanted to go one last time before we had the baby. I did not get emotional or anything. It's almost like every time I thought about it, another thought came into my head saying 'it's okay'. I don't know if this is just me being on autopilot and somehow trying to supress my emotions or God giving me peace. I also like to note I am not one that reads my previous posts before typing a new one so if I repeat myself or anything; sorry. :)
Lately, the strange part of things is that I feel like I'm crazy only because I feel like I'm handling it better than I should be (granted I haven't been back to work yet). I get on the support website I've found for stillbirths and talking to family, I feel like I am more okay with things than everyone else. I am not saying I like it, but I am at peace with it.
I go back to the doctor this week for my 6 week check up and have started my list of questions and it's a lot shorter than I thought it would be; mainly because most of my questions pertain to the following pregnancy and I don't know that those questions are anything to worry about right now. I think I'm just anxious about all of it. I guess I'm anxious because I don't know how I should be feeling seeing that I feel like I'm on a different path than everyone else; although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because we all deal with it differently, etc. I'm also very anxious about the next pregnancy because I know it will be emotional and tense. I am going to be a crazy pregnant person too because I am going to try and follow all the rules! No hot dogs, no soda-or at least maybe only a sip a day, no raw eggs-no raw anything, etc. I know sometimes even that may not make a difference, but I've gotta try. I know sometimes I can get myself more worked up about things than I need to be, but I think that is human nature and I reallly try not to. That will also be part of the struggle with the next pregnancy is trying not to stress to much so I don't put that on the baby.
The main reason I feel like I'm at a crossroads is because sometimes I actually feel like I'm just ready to start trying for the next baby but I know that is a ways off physically and probably emotionally; especially with the holidays coming up. I guess that's why I feel like I'm ready because I just want to be at that point to have something else to focus on and be past the emotions of the holidays.
I do still absolutely have my rough days! I still have moments I just want to cry! I was even watching Tangled with Madison the other day and literally got teary eyed at the end when they reunited! Although I didn't get too upset because I know someday I will be reunited with her, which might be hard too because Madison may still be here on earth; even though that is the natural order is for me to go before Madison. I just want my girls together and someday we will all be a big family together! It is just interesting being in this mind set. Every mother I look at with little ones, I wonder if they know how blessed they are? I know now how lucky I am we had Madison! For all I know this could have been a possibility with her. I also pray that our kids do come to know the Lord so that we can be with Hailey and together in Heaven. I had that realization a while back that I want to make sure I make it up there with her. Yes I know it's not by works that we get into Heaven; but I want to live for Him so that when I do get up there I can't say, "well I'm saved so let me in, not matter how I lived". Maybe it's also because of the mother in me that I want to live as an example for my kids. Not to mention since everyone prayed over us since everything happened and feeling that peace and the peace I feel now, how could I not live for Him. Especially with the idea that He has Hailey because He has something bigger in the plans; I want to know what that may be and if I don't live for Him I may never know what that is. The more I study and think on it I feel like the only sure thing we have is if we have Jesus in our hearts we will spend eternity with Him so why not live for the sure thing instead of wavering on the things we aren't too sure about?
Another thing, a lot of people always ask me how Madison is doing; for some reason it always throws me off because she is only 3 and it seems like she's pretty vague on what is going on in general anyway. She has handled everything pretty well. I don't know how much she understands to begin with. I don't even know if she understands what was supposed to happen, in that Hailey was a live baby in my tummy and was supposed to come home, cry and distrupt our routine. :) Not to mention the idea of death is probably way over her head. Sometimes it makes me want to go into child psychology because I really wonder to what level they understand what is going on. Which is always the fun thing about kids. Madison always says things she hears and I can tell when she understands the meaning and when she doesn't based on the way she uses them. Like when I tell her she can't talk to me in a hateful way and she uses it back at me she doesn't understand that she needs to be respectful. So I have to explain it so she'll understand. Whereas last night she was saying she needed to get situated, she used it the right way so she knew what it meant. Yes she knows Hailey died and she's in Heaven, but she asks me how we get to Heaven and if we can go see Jesus and sister. All I can really tell her is that we'll be there someday and it's up in the sky. Like I may have mentioned before, once we bring a live baby home, especially because she'll be older, I am sure she'll put it together that it was different with Hailey and start asking why, etc. I'm starting to pray now that I will know what to tell her then! :)
Anyway, I wanted to update and share where I'm at. I'll post again to let everyone know about the doctor visit and when I go back to work the week after. I'm still working on Jason to see if he wants to post anything.
I have definitely realized everyday is a blessing and am sooooooo greatful for everyone in my life!! Everyday and every time I am around you all I realize God knew what He was doing when he had all of our paths cross!
Our God IS an AWESOME GOD!
Until next time.