Work and Blessings

So I've been at work for about 2 weeks now and it has gone really well. I have surprised myself! The first day was a little tricky because for one thing I was in a different class room than when I left so I had a new routine to learn. Second, I think I kind of psyched myself up a little; but mainly I did pretty well! My main concern was seeing a friend and her baby because we worked together at the MDO and were pregnant together and were even scheduled for the same time! So I was worried that seeing her baby or even her would remind me of Hailey and upset me. Ultimately the opposite was true! She didn't have the baby the first time and when I saw her it was like seeing her any other time and it didn't get me worked up! Today she had the baby with her and even that was like seeing her with her baby! No big deal! I'm very glad it went that way. It is interesting too because most days I don't think about Hailey as the baby I lost I think of Hailey as my angel in Heaven watching over me! I love that!
It has also been fun to see and hear Madison's terms and versions of where Hailey is and what happened. Tonight, for example, we were sitting outside enjoying the night and Madison was sitting on my lap. I squeezed her and she asked my why. I told her I wouldn't get to squeeze Hailey like that until I was in Heaven with her. Madison said, "when I was a baby and I died...." I corrected that. I cannot fathom what that thought process is to go there. She did follow that statement with something about waking up and growing, growing. Their thought process is interesting! Well, while we were outside, we were saying what we could hear. We were sitting on the front porch so we were talking about the wind chimes. Madison then told me what Hailey was saying! She told me Hailey said she misses me and told Daddy she loves him. My heart melted! I love that idea in every way!!! The fact that Madison said it like she really heard that and the fact that she thought that up! Although I kind of like to think it's true! :) Also, earlier today we were walking in somewhere while running errands and I told Madison (because she said she was bringing her Hailey bear in with her; which she takes everywhere) I wish we were really taking Hailey with us, that she were here to do that. Of course Madison with the solution, we can pretend and she even said, "see, she's walking with us". I did tell Madison that she was watching over us in Heaven, though.
This journey has been pretty wild! So many emotions, so much of everything! It's also interesting to get other people's perceptions! A lot of people I encounter expect me to be so emotional I cry at the sight of any baby and have a hard time talking about it. I cannot honestly contribute the way I handle it to anyone other than God! I still thoroughly believe all the prayers helped me in the beginning! I still worry how Jason is handling it because he doesn't talk as much as I do! I'm not sure if I get it from my mom or dad, but I have actually been quite the talker about the Hailey thing lately! It is quite funny, too because most of the time I can see when I'm talking to someone that they are almost surprised how much I talk about it and how well I deal with it. I feel like most moms that want to talk all day about their kids, unfortunately I only have the time I had with Hailey, the rest is mostly about what I was planning for her and what I imagined it would be like with Madison and Hailey. Not to mention, the awareness! Obviously I'm aware it happens and worried that it could at any time, and I by no means think we should all be overly paranoid we just need to be aware. Like my mom and I were saying earlier; we're okay now, it's the 9 months of the next pregnancy we'll be worried/anxious.
I did want to mention my doctor's office called the other day; they had taken blood the last time I went to run some tests and the lab was back. They wanted to see if I had anything that might have contributed to the abruption in my blood. There was nothing abnormal. Everything was fine. Which is good and bad. Good because we know it's not that, bad because we don't know what. Although I am hoping this means the likelihood of another abruption is pretty slim! Although, the funny thing is I had a thought this week; I can't decide if I really want a boy or girl next and thought, well what if God gives us one of each? Twins? Yes it would be a blessing, but also crazy! Talk about God doesn't give you more than you can handle. :) I will honestly be happy either way! As long as whatever it is it's born healthy and lives a long healthy life! :) At least as long as God intends! I had a friend tell me the other day that there is a reason for everything and it was funny because I believe it to be completely true! It's hard to decifer the crime and bad things that happen, but at least with this Hailey thing, I believe it's for something bigger; something greater! It definitely makes you think about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! :)
So, I won't be specific, but I wanted to mention a few other people and how it's helped on my journey (at least this month). A couple of weeks ago I had a friend on Facebook, who had her baby and during her stay ending up going through several procedures and literally had to have things done to save her life; it scared me because she had a new baby (not to mention her other children) and her life was in the balance for a while. The funny thing about Facebook is you only get so much information; understandably so, but it can also be frustrating. Yes I could have tried to call her, but it's been so long since I've talked to her and only barely met her family I figured I'd wait it out. Either way, I prayed every time I thought about her! Things are really put into perspective when you go through tough times. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant about the same time I did; a little after and she lost it early on; her due date is coming up and I felt like I needed to make her something or at least do something for her! I made her a bracelet and she loved it. I just am happy she liked it. I was worried about her reaction, and honestly am okay if she just keeps the bracelet in her jewelry box or whatever. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. She has been one that has truly made me realize that even though it was a miscarriage, it's still a loss. Yes maybe she didn't have as much time with that baby, but she still had the dreams, the ideas, the plans. I have always been afraid of a miscarriage or something and now that I've lost a baby, I still worry! One of my best friends just mentioned she's pregnant and I am so excited for her! I am amazed, how I feel about it! I thought I would be hurt or upset, but I'm not! I was bummed that we wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, but that's okay. I am worried and will be praying her pregnancy goes well and the baby is healthy! Every day the people I encounter there is ultimately a purpose these people are in our lives! Like the friends we have that have lost 2 babies also, who knew that these two people who worked together years ago and decided to have a couples night would be where we are now? Also who knew that all the people in my life right now would be exactly who I needed? God knew and He made sure everyone was where they needed to be! It's also interesting that two of my friends that lost babies have children Madison's age so maybe that's part of it; maybe the bigger plan is for them, not necessarily us! God knows and is always at work and someday we will see the big picture but we'll have to take the little pieces for now. :)
I am SOOO grateful for where I am in my life; the people in my life! I am blessed and will thank God for everything He has given me and will continue to do so. He has put me down this path for a reason and although I do miss Hailey tons and would love to hear her cry right now; I know He has a reason for it and someday I will hold her again!
Until next time!