So, first of all, of course I should mention everything from the doctor visit. I had my mom go ahead and come back with me (I couldn't get it worked out so Jason could go; and he didn't like that), so if I forgot anything from the visit my mom could help me remember. The dr pretty much said they aren't sure what specifically caused it, it looks like a blood clot got behind the placenta and something caused it to rupture. She even said that once they pulled everything out my uterus was bruised from everything happening so fast. Which was also a part of it, that everything happened so fast there wasn't much they could do. Since my first pregnancy with Madison was fine, this was most likely a random thing; but they will go ahead and run a blood test when I go back for my 6 week to see if there is anything that could have contributed. Either way, with the next pregnancy we will watch things more closely and probably even have a couple extra ultrasounds and maybe even some stress tests, etc. We will also meet with the high risk doctors to see if that is an avenue we need to take. She also said we should probably wait 6 months to try again so I can heal. Right now, I have days I feel like I'm ready now and day when I just want Hailey and can't really think about having another baby. So I'm sure emotionally that will be a good time frame but mainly with a c-section and all the trauma 6 months is the time frame for me to heal physically. Especially with all the holidays coming up, that will probably be good, emotionally.
I think I am definitely getting better with things because since everything has happened and as I talk to people I realize that one, I have completely overestimated the difference between miscarriages and stillborn losses. Emotionally they are very similar. Every loss is different regardless of the time of the loss, but emotionally it's pretty similar. We all lost a baby. I have even been able to take Madison into school and pick her up without getting all emotional; which I thought I would not be able to do for a few more weeks. Since I have gotten better about talking about it; basically learning that the more I talk it actually helps and heals; I think that is why I am able to go into the school and usually spend some time talking.
So my amazing sisters planned a girls night with some of my friends and even though it was just dinner and I was actually only able to talk to half of the girls that came; it still went well. I was so glad to get out with the girls. I wanted to do something after but it was a week night and everyone was tired; next time. :) It helped a lot!!
I also had a first today, I had to take my rent to my landlords, and I hadn't talked to them in a month. So, the last time I talked to them I had planned to either have Jason bring it out there while I was home with Hailey or I could and bring Hailey by. So, of course when I walked in she asked, "So, did we have a baby" and I had to explain what happened and of course I started crying. I was thinking I'd be okay and not cry; but alas I couldn't help it. It wasn't as bad since I know them, so when I have to explain even the jest of my situation, I'm dreading it. It is hard being that it's still so fresh, because I don't want to dilute Hailey's memory but I don't want to pour out my whole story to every stranger either. Especially if it's a cashier or something because I've also been on the other side (not to this degree) where people have told too much of a story and even though I am a caring person, I certainly don't mind if they feel like they need to share that with me; but it's not the time when there are 3 people behind them in a hurry or just wanting to check out. So, it's hard; but I'm sure most people won't really pry anyway. Plus if I have Madison with me and they ask me if she's my only child, I have to be picky what I say if she's listening. Of course with Madison, I'm sure she'll tell them Hailey is with Jesus (as she does if you ask her anyway), they will probably think that's cute and leave it alone.
Every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it's not always day to day some times it can change from morning to evening! The other day I was fine pretty much all day and come evening it just hit me. It's funny too because my parents had taken this week off to help with baby and with everything they went ahead and took it off, which worked out too because Jason went back to work this week. So, it's been interesting because we've been running errands and taking care of stuff I've needed to do, which is good because it gets me out instead of at home dwelling. The ironic part is that it's those moments that actually make me miss her more because I keep thinking how she should be with us, and I should be dealing with her and stuff that needs to be done instead of what we were doing. More than anything it just helps being around people. I felt silly because earlier in the week Jason went out for his "guys night" and he called around to make sure someone could come hang out with me while he was out and I felt like he was looking for a baby sitter for me; but I'm sure it was for the better it just seems weird. :)
Ultimately I think I'm doing pretty good emotionally, most days. Sometimes, though I almost feel bad for having a good day because I feel like I'm not thinking of her very much. Although, most of the time, I feel worse for dwelling because I know it wouldn't be something she or God would want, so I find some kind of middle. :) Hopefully I'm not wearing on my friends to much because I have actually been talking a lot about her to them. Granted they all said if I needed anything let them know.....I need an ear on occasion, so be prepared. :)
We also actually had our friends that had been through a similar thing had their daughters birthday party and she is the same age as Madison so I really wanted her to go but didn't know if we were ready because they do a balloon release at the party. Luckily my mom said she could take her. I mentioned the balloon release and she said she was fine with it and after the party she called me and said she wasn't ok. She also said that it was ok because my friends mom came over and talked to her. Which I think is great because that actually gives my mom someone to talk to because they are in the exact same position; the mothers of the daughters that lost the babies. So I am hoping that is something that pans out for her to help her heal too.
We have had a couple of references for groups and my dr even said she could get us in contact with any kind of group or counseling we might need. Groups, mentoring, family, single; etc. So, down the road I may look into some of those.
Oh, and Jason said his first day back was kind of hard because everyone was asking what happened, etc; so he had to tell the story and everything, so that made it kind of hard. I think ultimately it was good for him to get back so some kind of normal. I am kind of eager to get back to that even though some moments of mine will be hard; playing with the kids in my class will help me tons, I just need to heal physically. :)
Overall, everyday is a journey and we are doing pretty well, but somedays are still hard. This past week when the day came that we were originally scheduled to have Hailey was a little hard, but we got through it. Also this past week we got some wind chimes from my aunt to think of Hailey when we hear them and I love that! My sister also mentioned that when it storms we can think of Hailey (and her friends) helping God and Jesus play with the flashlights and dropping toys like Madison says. :) So having stuff like that helps make things a little easier and feel like she's here with us.
*We miss you and love you sweet girl; someday we'll see you again and hold you!
Until next time.
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