Mostly May :)

Well, I try to keep up, but life gets a little crazy sometimes. :)
So, I had my first Mother's Day since losing Hailey. I was pretty okay with it and didn't get very emotional about it. That is until church that Sunday morning. I had forgotten that they usually do the baby dedication on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Jason and I had sat down and were getting acquainted waiting for things to start and I noticed a few people sitting up front, that usually aren't there but didn't think about it. Then I saw the pink and blue gift bags on the stage and started putting things together. I checked the program to make sure, sure enough, there it was. I pointed it out to Jason and lost it. Luckily my grandma was on the other side of Jason and had some tissue. I had a cry and then pulled myself together, but once they did the actual dedication, I lost it again and I'm pretty sure my mom was in tears as well. It just made it hard because Hailey was supposed to be up there. Jason asked if I wanted to step out, but I didn't want to draw attention, so I just endured it. I know most of the emotion was hormones, but I'm sure I would have still been emotional. Jason also kept reassuring me that next year we'll be up there with two. :) I love that guy. :) Days like that it's still hard, yes we have two boys on the way, but I have two girls too. Most days I know she's waiting for us in Heaven and we will see her again, and I do have two blessings growing in my belly; but grief is grief and it's still hard. I can't believe her one year 'birthday' is coming up and I have ideas of what I want to do, but I'm trying to picture how it's going to go. For one, I will be huge, two I will be extremely emotional; but we'll see how it plays out. :) I just can't decide how big or small I want it to be and what exactly I want to do. Through, everything, though, the birthday coming up and the anxiety of being pregnant again, I am beyond grateful for the amazing other moms I have met online and through Facebook! It is so nice having people that get it like no one else. I am also fortunate to have those that don't personally understand what I'm dealing with but are still amazing and supportive!
Well, I officially have a 4 year old now!! Madison turned 4 about a month ago! We decided to give her a surprise party because she LOVES surprises and it went very well!! She didn't know what was going on and her response was that 'you didn't scare me'! LOL, she is so funny! She is getting so big and so grown up! She is a big helper most of the time, but she has certainly had her moments of testing her limits. We've been trying different things, but most of all trying to be consistent and loving instead of screaming and yelling. I learned early on that it doesn't accomplish anything. Plus, I think deep down I knew that to begin with, considering I was just like her as a child. :)

The babies are growing very well and I had my first appointment with my high risk doctor a couple of weeks ago. I was 18 weeks; and am 20 weeks today, so literally 2 weeks. :) Well, being at 18 weeks they can tell the sexes of the babies.......we had lots of speculations, Madison and I wanted one of each and Jason was set that it was 2 girls; I was certainly okay with 2 boys, I think one of each would be great because I was so set on another girl and prepared for a girl for nine months before losing Hailey, so that's where that came in. Well, I ended up going by myself because Jason couldn't get off and I didn't want anyone else to know before him. So luckily I at least got to call him after I was done with my appointment. I was a little surprised when I saw what the babies were; but was happier to see that there were still 2 heartbeats. :) Well, I was texting with him first and confirmed they were both the same gender. I then told him he and Madison were both wrong. I don't know that he caught on, I think he was thinking of a conversation we had had the night before about all the possibilities and I was thinking of his original thoughts. Either way I was able to talk to him and told him, yes we are having two boys!!! BOYS!!! He could not believe it and was still in shock for the rest of the day!! We waited until that evening to tell our parents. We were going to do it the next night, but we couldn't wait so we visited with each set and both were equally shocked. Obviously it will be the first grandsons for Jason's parents, but my mom was pretty excited since she has 4 granddaughters. :) We allll were hoping Madison was a boy; but very excited to see her none the less, and Hailey we kind of figured would be a girl. In fact with the twins, when I walked into my parents and they realized Madison had a shirt on because she waited outside until my parents were ready to show it off, and my mom said, 'let's see those girls'.

This is the shirt she showed the grandparents. I ironed on everything except the gender the night before and added the boys after my appointment.

The more I think on it, I still can't believe we are having boys!!  I have very little experience with them, only what I encountered at the Mother's Day Out I was working at. Let alone two at the same time! It's funny because even though I've wanted boys all along, I've really gotten used to girls. Especially with 3 nieces! Hand me downs have been nice, now I have to outsource. :) Although, at this point, I will gladly take it! We are all excited and just anxious for them to be here healthy and happy. I honestly still can't believe we're having two!! We are obviously looking into a bigger place because 2 bedrooms is not going to be enough! I could have handled it with just one baby for awhile, but 2 babies and Madison, are not going to cut it. :) Well, being that that is the case, it makes it hard for me to 'nest' or do anything to get stuff ready, because I have nowhere to 'get ready'. Of course we also still have 2 beds to get; one for Madison and one for the babies. We still have Madison's crib which she is using the toddler bed of now. We have 2 bassinets so we should be fine for a little while, but I like to have it ready when we can. I also know they might sleep together for most of their first months anyway, but I just want to have everything covered. My brother said he still has one stored at his house, so we may be in luck there. Of course both 'cribs' are 3 in 1s so I don't know how I will do that because with two boys I may just do the bunk bed thing down the road. Maybe when they are big enough we'll just do bunk beds and convert Madison's current bed into the full for her and let my brother have his back to sell or whatever. We'll figure it out. I did arrange the car seats in the car the other day to make sure 3 would work comfortably in our sedan and they do; I still want to check with the fire station or something to double check it's all safe, etc. I have also looked into doing cloth diapers this time. I looked a little with Hailey and didn't get far enough to realize they aren't that hard to deal with. It seems a little crazy to do cloth with 2 babies, but I want to try, because as many have pointed out in the long run it will save money. I may also look to make a few myself to cut cost even more. Right now, I'm all about saving money. :) Ironically it does cost a bit to get started, but like most things, that's it. Buy enough to get by with, and wash after they are dirty and I won't need to buy more and more. Even better most are made to grow with the baby so I won't need to buy any even when they are potty training! Granted I'm still in the we'll try and see, so it may get to a point when I give in and go back to disposable, but I think if I find the right ones and get everyone to see what I see, it will be great. I'm sure in the first month or 2 we may have to compromise being that they may be preemie size or really small newborns and may not fit the typical cloth, but I think they have even figured out how to accommodate that, I just need to make sure I do. :)
Anyway, I didn't double check, but Jason is at a new job and he loves it!! That is mainly why he couldn't make it to the high risk doctor appointment because he is still in training. He has a lot to learn but he is up for the challenge! He sees room for improvement and there is growth there and that's exciting. There just didn't feel like there was where he was before. Most of all, it's good that he's happy!
Being that Madison just had a birthday she is also old enough for preschool next year, but I have decided to keep her home. Mostly because I have a few friends who are doing kindergarten with their kids and have let me know it's pretty easy and great for them. I like it because I won't have to worry about loading up Madison and the twins twice a day or worry if someone is available to pick her up or take her everyday either. Granted she will be in other programs and active at church, etc because this girl is a socialite and needs the interaction! :) I don't know if I will continue home school beyond preschool because she is a socialite and it would be nice to have time with the boys; but we will see.
Alright, I will really try to update more so these aren't so long. :)
Enjoy! Until next time!

Updates and Blessings!

So, I wanted to update, sorry it's been a couple of months; I'll try to update more! I celebrated a birthday since my last post and I took it amazingly well. I hated having only one daughter wishing me a happy birthday, but I knew Hailey was probably looking down on us and having her own little "party" for me. :) Valentine's Day wasn't too bad, I don't really get much into it anyway, and it's more fun for school aged kids anyway; so that may be when it hits me; along with the whole year Hailey would be starting school etc.
So, after losing Hailey we were told to wait 6 months until we could start trying.Well, we decided that since I would have a cycle at the 6 month mark we would jump the gun a little; figuring we wouldn't get pregnant right away. Well, apparently God's plan played out, not ours. I was totally okay with it taking a few months to get pregnant like it had with Madison and Hailey. Apparently that was not the case this time. As time got closer for my cycle to start (sorry tmi); I got all anxious, like we do when we are trying. I was on one of my group pages for trying after a loss, and was hesitant to test because I have tested before only to have basically wasted it. Well, the night before I would be 'late' I told Jason to pick up a cheap test just for fun and see what happens. Getting a cheap one, helped in case it was a 'wasted' one. Well, after he came home around 2am; because of his work schedule; I had had some water and was ready for the test. Well, it pretty much turned instantly! It was positive but I decided to wait the allotted time just to be sure. After checking it again and still very much positive I showed Jason. We were both VERY surprised!! I took pictures and Jason was hesitant for that because he didn't want me posting it for the world just yet. I only showed my friends in my ttc after a loss group. The picture was blurry but many said that 'blurry or not, it very positive'. :) It's funny, because once I got to the place of accepting Hailey was in Heaven and had a peace about it, and was getting closer to time to be able to start trying, all I could think about was wanting to try again and wanting another baby. The instant I found out we were in fact pregnant again, all I could do was worry. It's a lot like any other time you find out you're pregnant after trying, you realize, this is real, this is happening. Well, ironically the day was the day after Valentine's day, so it was pretty neat being close to a holiday. So, Jason and I decided to wait just a little bit to tell people. Of course a few days of that and we were already itching to tell people!! I don't remember for sure what order we told people, but we started with our parents of course and a few of our closest friends! It's funny the reactions. I remember telling my mom and Jason's mom when we were pregnant with Madison and their reactions, and then their reactions with Hailey. Of course this time it was very different! My mom didn't even say anything, she just looked at me; I was like, 'aren't you excited?' She said she was just worried, understandable, because so was I. :) As time goes on, we feel a little better about it, and know that God will take care of it. He provided this, so He will take care of it. Well, to add to the excitement, we had a wedding in Dallas to go to coming up and I had contacted my doctor about the trip to make sure we took the proper precautions, etc to make sure I would be ok. She said we could do an ultrasound before just to make sure everything is ok. So, we go and do the ultrasound and the tech says, "well, let me tell you what I'm looking at," okay, that freaked me out a little because I didn't know what to think. She goes on to say, "there are two babies". What?! Wow! We couldn't believe it and Jason literally stood up and stepped closer to the screen to make sure. Then he sent my mom a message telling her we were coming by her work after the doctor because we needed to talk to her, she didn't know what to think either. We had already planned on seeing Jason's parents later that evening, so we planned on sharing with them that night. We proceeded to pass it along to those that knew we were pregnant. One of my mom's first things in regard to the twins, is that it is definitely God because there aren't twins in my family. Of course over time, we seem to think maybe it could be from twins we remember or discover in the family line. Regardless, it is God. Of course it's not like we are getting two to replace Hailey; that will never happen because even with the twins we will now have 4 children! Which is ironic because I always said I didn't want 4, because I am one of 4 and I know what that's like. I also said 2 would be ideal, and here we'll have 3 and one 1 in Heaven. Just to show, God has a plan, no matter what ours is. It's not up to us. It is up to us to follow Him and have faith in Him, beyond that, it's pretty much out of our hands.
Granted I am still nervous and anxious, because I don't know what's to come. It is funny because the natural reaction to twins, is oh, my; double the diapers, double the everything. Well, I am ready, I am going to embrace it! God didn't take Hailey without knowing we could handle it, so I know He isn't providing us with twins without knowing we can handle that as well. Of course, the natural reaction is to want to prepare, bigger car, house, etc. At first I was getting a little worried, more on how that would all fall in place. Needless to say, not only is it too early to be worrying, but it is also isn't something for me to worry about. Just like at first when we lost Hailey I didn't understand why and still am not 100% on what the plan is for it happening and what is to come from it, I am not clear on the plan for this pregnancy and these babies; but I know there is a plan and that is reassuring. All I can do is take it one day at a time and take care of myself and thus these babies.
Of course we have also decided to share with more people about our blessing, because as time went on, we realized the more people that knew the more people could pray. So add us to your prayer list that all will go well. I am naturally antsy for October to be here so I can see my babies and hold them and hopefully hear them cry! So include prayer that our worries will be few and that God will continue to reassure us.
Thank you for reading and thinking of us!
Until next time! :)

Christmas, Etc

Sorry, I haven't been so diligent with this blog as I'd like. :) So, it's almost February! Christmas was pretty good, considering. I think the idea of it and as for our emotions I think we were worse thinking about how hard it would be as opposed to how it actually transpired. Christmas Eve and Day weren't that bad and to say the least we stayed pretty busy and that helped. Whenever we had time to sit down and think about it, we were a little sad. Some of the hardest things for me was at one point we had gone to Toys R' Us to look at some stuff for Madison and walked past the baby section and I was literally fighting tears! It is harder during a holiday that a lot of people focus around the children. It was hard not buying stuff for our baby girl like we should be. It absolutely helped that we have Madison, I know it would have been a lot harder on us if we didn't. Watching her enjoying the lights (wondering what Hailey would have thought of them) and Madison telling us every chance she got what she wanted for Christmas, was such a joy. It's funny the way things work because as I watched Madison take everything in, especially since she is at that age she seems more receptive to everything, I wondered what Hailey would be thinking of it all; the wrapping paper, the lights, Santa, etc. All the while I wonder with a little bit of peace, thinking she is watching from above. One thing that warmed my heart was imagining the view....can you imagine looking down from Heaven at all the Christmas lights! That would be quite a site! We also did amazingly well since it was last Christmas that I gave Jason a special gift letting him know we were pregnant!
New Years was interesting as well, we couldn't decide quite what we wanted to do and opted to stay home, Jason had mentioned he wasn't too excited to 'celebrate' 2011 and I understand, I was wanting to put happy thoughts and wishes to 2012!
As February approaches we are closing in on the 6 month mark; which means we can start trying again. I'm not promising we'll be waiting that long....(we may be trying now). ;) I wanted to start trying last month but my doctor wanted me to wait just to make sure I'm healed up. I decided to 'start' trying now with the thinking that we most likely won't get pregnant right away. It took at least 2 months both times I've been pregnant so far. So, needless to say, hopefully next Christmas or January (or February) we will be hopefully enjoying a new baby in our arms and house!
So, as I've posted these blogs, I've gotten a lot of responses regarding my blog and that I help them see what they can pray for, for us. Well, I've posted a couple of times on Facebook, but to put it all out in words; I have been contemplating what to do job wise. I love Madison's Mother's Day Out and I can always sub there, but with this next pregnancy, I'm not sure what restrictions I may have, etc. I do sometimes worry that I overdid myself when I was pregnant with Hailey and I don't want to do that with the next one. I would love to just stay home, but financially that's not possible right now. So, needless to say for those that have us on your prayer list, please be thinking of us as we start the journey of another pregnancy and that everything goes well, etc. Also be praying for direction for me in my job. I have changed jobs a few times simply because I chose to change it and I want to make sure any changes I make now will be what God wants for us.
Thank you all who continue to support us and think of us; we do still have our hard days but we get by.
Until next time. :)

Thanksgiving.....

So Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. I think Jason and I did surprisingly well! The day itself seemed kinda like a regular day. We usually meet up with Jason's family on Saturdays if everyone is available and always have Sunday lunches with my family, so it just felt like one weekend smashed into one day with a few differences. I am SO thankful for Madison! One of the things that almost got me on Thanksgiving Day was when my dad was doing the prayer before eating and I think said something about being thankful for those with us or something because it got me thinking of Hailey and that she wasn't there. Of course after the prayer Madison is ready to get her food, so I jump right in and don't have a chance to dwell. Not that it would have been a big deal if I cried but, I hate the fuss when we cry like that, so I'm glad Madison kept me busy.
As I've mentioned several times, I am truly at peace with where Hailey is and do realize I will never hold her here on earth again; but I do look forward to the day when I see her in Heaven again. It is interesting, because I was on Facebook yesterday and mentioning that I was thankful that I am alive; it really got me thinking. I could have also lost my life (from what I'm told) if we hadn't made it in time, etc. I cannot imagine if I was already up there with Hailey; sure it'd be nice to know what she's like, but I couldn't imagine not seeing Madison grow up! It's weird when I think of that because it's like trying to pick which child you want to be with.....it's impossible, I want both. :) Someday. It was also interesting because on Thanksgiving Day, with our modern technology, I had my phone handy at the table; probably shouldn't have for many reasons, but I did; one of my new dear friends that is also an 'Angel Mommy' had posted that she was thinking about her fellow mommies that were having their first Thanksgiving since losing their babies and reading all that, almost got me going, but I tried not to dwell in it and instead got into the conversation with my family. :) I am truly thankful for them! Always a good laugh! :)
I think part of doing okay on Thanksgiving is there are many days I imagine what life would be like going places with Madison and a baby carrier, so Thanksgiving was just part of that. I do it everywhere, imagining using a carriage holder/stand at the restaurants, having her sleeping in the next room at lunch, etc. Last week I had been fighting a pretty decent cold and had the wonderful luck of getting a fever so I couldn't make it to work. Being that I am a 'teacher' I had to find a sub. The sub I got a hold of is my friend who had her baby the day Hailey was scheduled to be born. My boss told me she couldn't sub because there wasn't room in the nursery......it kinda hit me because if Hailey had lived her daughter would have just taken Hailey's place for the day. That same sub was in my class Tues because the teacher I usually work with wasn't there. So, she had to step out and feed her baby a couple of times, and I just imagined that it could have been me. It does make me a little sad that it's not; but in my thinking it's not so much that it's not Hailey, it's that it's not any baby of mine. Monday Madison and I went on a playdate with some of our friends who both have 2 children. It is getting hard for me because I just want another baby! I know it can't be Hailey and that's ok, I just wish I could at least be pregnant or trying right now. When we went on our playdate there was a girl in the play place named Hailey; was more like a 'huh' moment than sad. I guess because I'm at the halfway point to being able to try again, and seeing so many having babies, etc it definitely gives me the fever!! There are at least 3 kids in Madison's class at school with baby siblings, I want that to be Madison so bad. I know that God has perfect timing. This is also why we aren't just given patience, we have to learn it; I am certainly learning it! I have been trying to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open in the past few months! God is putting people in my life that need to be there and most of them are people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I was added to an Angel Mommies group on Facebook and added a couple of my fellow 'angel mommies' and someone noted the increase of Oklahomans, one of the administrators is in Oklahoma! Not only that, one of her twins was also Hailey. Granted she lost hers 2 years ago, but it's amazing to see the similarities. I also was recently connected with another angel mommy through a mutual friend. Which really gets me thinking of how extensive God plans people to be in our lives! The mutual friend I 'met' in youth group in church and after hanging out a few times, we realized that her mom used to baby sit my brother and I when we were younger! So the idea that God had us cross paths when we were children, for us to be connect after having our own children....it's amazing! If I hadn't not only known her as a child and 'met' her in youth I would have never met the friend she introduced me to. You could go so many ways with things like that if we really thought about it!
Granted, so far Halloween and Thanksgiving have been good.....Christmas will be crazy! It will be different because we will all be sitting around, opening our respective presents except for one.....not to mention, that I found out right before Christmas that I was pregnant! It will be hard, but I have a good group around me and know we'll get through it. Of course next summer will be super emotional too; especially because I hope to be pregnant then so that will be fun. :)
Anyway, we're hanging in there. I did also want to mention, in case it wasn't clear, Jason is not straying from God in anyway, he is just having a hard time dealing with losing Hailey and the questions that might come with it. Granted a lot of it is similar to what I went through, we just did it at different times. Like I did mention in my previous post a lot of it is dealing with the fact that we lost Hailey and so many out there have children that do not take care of them. Which, is frustrating to see regardless.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know how we are doing and how we did during the holiday. Also, that we are thankful for what we have. I keep Hailey's picture (and Madison's) and piece of her blanket around my neck (close to my heart) at all times and I love feeling like she is always with me and someday I will see her and play tickle fight with her!
Until next time...

Faith and the Holidays

I had a really great post in my head the other day but it was right before I fell asleep and was comfy in bed so I didn't write it down or anything and don't remember it exactly but I'll try. :)
So, each day is still a journey and I am pretty much at a point where I'm waiting for my body to be healed to try for another. In the mean time I've been working on my relationship with God. Always a good thing. :) My thinking lately has been in the line that God has a reason for everything, and since I believe He has a reason for taking Hailey and hopefully something bigger in store; I keep wondering what was the reason, what has He got planned for us? It can be hard to wait sometimes but I know in the end it will be worth it! The other night, Jason and I were talking and it's interesting because it seems like he is at a different place, at least spiritually he is just having a hard time with why God decided to take Hailey. Especially when you hear about people in the news who do horrible things to their children. It is hard. It got me thinking too; what is the reasoning behind people like us and the many people I know that lose their babies and then the many people out there who have kids who don't deserve them and do not treat them very well or take care of them like they should have them  alive and healthy. A lot of this conversation came up because it was the day the Duggars announced they were expecting their 20th child. I think it's nuts regardless of my situation! She doesn't need to have another mainly because of her age. I personally think she should enjoy the children she has and the grand baby she now has. I don't see how she can know her children like those who have less. It is her body, her life, her choice, her belief.  It just makes it hard for those who have lost to hear because she is able to have that many children and we have to lose ours. Regardless, I just hope they truly are doing what God has planned for them and listening to Him, etc. Like I mentioned, God has a reason for everything, I just hope (especially since they are on tv; by choice) that they truly are doing what God wants and not just saying that and actually just doing what they think God would want them to do. Life in general is truly put into perspective when you lose someone, especially when you lose someone young and even more before they even took a breath! It definitely gives you perspective spiritually. You can go one way or the other, I just much rather choose to go with God. I would much rather live for God and be wrong than have gone against God and be wrong about that! I could go on and on about what I believe, etc, but I won't. :) In perspective God chose to let me live, because in my situation, had things gone differently, I might not be here. I have to trust in Him and keep my faith. I am always praying for Madison that someday she does follow Him and will pray for our other children. A lifetime is nothing compared to eternity! I want to spend eternity as a family, not just a lifetime!

Okay, I know it's unrelated, but I just remembered I hadn't posted about Halloween. It was actually our first big Holiday without Hailey. I had planned on the girls being Princess and the Pea for Halloween, I was going to get Madi some kind of princess outfit or use her dress up clothes and get a cute pea costume for Hailey. I will probably never get to do that, but that's okay. I figured since I'd been doing good with things that I would do okay at least for Halloween and for the most part I did. Halloween itself I did completely fine. I don't think the idea never occurred to me or it just didn't hit me, I'm not sure. Maybe because it felt like any other Halloween. Although, what did get me was the Thursday before at Mother's Day Out we had a costume parade and it was cute, chaotic and fun! All the kids came in their costumes and a little bit later in the morning we walked the kids around the church and by the school. I was okay keeping our kids in a line of sorts and about halfway through, I guess maybe I saw the babies, I don't it just hit me that Hailey should be there too, in a cute little costume!! I had to do everything I could to not just bust out crying right there in the middle of the parade. We got through it and got everyone situated but once we were at a point I could step out, I went to the bathroom and cried! I just had to. I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand. :) I actually pass Madison's class whenever I go to the bathroom and she happened to be close to the door after I had been in the bathroom, so I stopped to get a hug from her. Her teacher noticed my eyes and asked if I was ok, I told her I was, and she gave me a hug. I think she understood. I don't really feel like Thanksgiving will be that bad, I guess because it's a lot like our Sunday lunches except on a slightly bigger scale with specific food plus an extra meal thrown in with my in-laws. :) Christmas will be really hard. I found out right before Christmas last year that I was pregnant and not opening presents for my new baby; I am completely expecting to break down in the middle of it. We will see. I am hoping next Christmas will be easier, and if everything goes well, I will either be expecting or have a new baby next Christmas. :) I will try and do better with my posts and will definitely post after Thanksgiving and let you know how it goes. :)
Until next time.

Hope

Well, Ironically we watched part the first couple of episodes of Raising Hope on Netflix; then I listened to last Sundays sermon from the website and he was talking about hope. Our pastor even mentioned me and it certainly left me thinking about our situation. Talk about the sermon speaking to you. ;) Anyway, so I wanted to give an update since I don't think I hit on that too much in the past two posts. I had an interesting week at work; as far as where I am with dealing with everything. We only had a two day week instead of three because of Fall Break. Tuesday, I felt like it was a normal day, like we've been doing this for weeks. :) I felt like I was back in my routine and I loved it! Wednesday my friend who had her baby the day I was scheduled to have Hailey was subbing in another class. I knew that day would come and mainly felt fine with it. To me she is still just my friends baby and I don't associate Hailey with her unless I specifically think about it. At one point I had walked pass the class room during nap time to go get some ice or something. Of course since I was by myself in the hall (all the classes were in nap time) I thought about it. My main thing is just that I just want a baby so bad! Of course I'd love for it to be Hailey, but I really feel like I am at peace with where she is and just am at terms with the fact that God needed her more for a bigger purpose. I was just so ready to have a baby the day I found out I was pregnant with her; so now that I am settling into my new normal I ache even more for that baby. Of course I think it's part of my genetics as a mom, woman and from my family to worry.....what if, what if we lose the next one too. I have that thought a lot; it's human. As a Christian, God tells me; "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 So I am putting my faith in God that we will have another healthy baby. It is interesting when I pray now, we are taught to ask God for our hearts desire; for me it's always hard to ask for something so selfish, at least I feel like it's selfish. Granted, I asked for Hailey. That's the thing about faith, yes I wanted Hailey and miss her like crazy and still cry when I think about it; but I have complete faith that He took her for a reason and He has a plan and we will get through it! The good thing is I feel like He is already showing me how He has been present and answering prayers. Right after we lost Hailey, I heard from pretty much everyone I talked to, and people still tell me they are praying for me. EVERY TIME I hear those words, my heart warms! I have truly felt those prayers have been working! God has placed people in our lives even before we knew why they were there. He has also showed me that by answering all those prayers and helping us heal in this time He has also helped us to be a witness! I love telling people how He has showed me how valuable people are in our lives and how valuable life it! You always realize it when you attend a funeral or hear someone is sick; but I feel like it makes you REALLY question things when you lose a child. Especially with young children and babies. Most people, when they find out they are pregnant and go through the pregnancy, especially as long as I did, expect they'll go to the hospital and deliver a healthy happy baby. I think God gives us these hurdles to remind us, it's not always easy, it's not always simple; you have to have trust and faith and hope He will guide you through! When times are tough, you may not want to get up and face the world, but if you wake up each day and say, "thank you Lord for another beautiful day" it will be easier. Trust me, I've had many days where I just get so frustrated, when I have one of those days that you drop everything, you mess up everything and start to feel like nothing is going right! Step back, take a deep breath say a short prayer and you'll feel better! I have even (on those days) when I stop to take a breath think, "God is in control" things may still seem rocky, but they don't seem so bad with God.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Until next time.

The Day We Found Out....

So I previously mentioned I would post about the day we found out we were pregnant. So, here it goes.
Naturally, I'll start with Madison; I completely love both stories, but Madison being our first it was pretty neat. We'd been trying for only a couple of months and somehow even before I took the test, I just knew. I don't know if it was because of anything physical (except the obvious) but mostly just internal. First of all, I am like clock work, so if I'm late, I notice. :) So that is one reason I figured I might be; I nervously got up early to take the home test. I waited, anxiously, each minute felt like 20! Finally the result was in and I couldn't believe it! Even as we told people I didn't believe it until the lab at the doctors office said it was. :) Well, the BEST part of the story was when I went into tell Jason, he was still asleep (it was a Sunday morning) and I woke him up and said that either I was pregnant or we were going to have a baby. He had the biggest grin on his face!!! I loved it! Yes, ultimately were still in shock and couldn't believe we were actually going to be parents!! The funny thing is we were sooo excited we couldn't wait to tell everyone. I sure wish we had and done something neat, we just couldn't wait. So, we called our parents and family and a few friends. I don't think we got a hold of our parents first, but I don't think it mattered! EVERYONE was soo excited for us. I think our parents were a little nervous because they are our parents and they just hope we'll be okay financially, etc; but at the same time...they're going to be grandparents!! For mine Madison was their 4th and for Jason's it was their 1st!! :) I vaguely remember much after that, until my belly started showing. Which I did check constantly because I had no idea what to expect so it was fun to take that journey! I actually worked downtown at the time so it ended up being a pretty good thing because I had to walk to the courthouse regularly, etc; so I got plenty of exercise! Of course as we got closer to my due date which happened to be Mother's Day that year, we discovered Madison wasn't going to turn....imagine that stubborn from the womb! ;) So we scheduled a c-section the Friday before, I worked up to that day and lucky me; I was still in the hospital on Mother's Day! I LOVED my first Mother's Day, mainly because I had her and got to celebrate my first Mother's Day! I especially loved that everyone came to me! :) I naturally still treasure every one since!
So, with Hailey, after Madison turned 2 we started talking about when we'd like to have another. I think we started trying a few months after. It took us a little longer with Hailey, I think because we were trying. ;) Not to mention with Madison I was on webmd constantly, charting, etc; so I'm surprised it wasn't more stressful. :) Instead it seemed to be more stressful the second time. I made myself crazy every month when I took the test. I think I got so worked up one month I was confused by the test because I was late but the test was negative. I think the stress made it late. So I decided I would just relax from then on out and about 2 months later; right before Christmas, I took a test. Nervous yet again, each minute slowly ticking by; until finally, it was positive!! I had already decided this time would be different because of how we did it with Madison. I actually had to go to work that day. I think it was the Wednesday before Christmas. It was torture because I decided not to even tell Jason. I thought it would be cool to tell him Christmas day. I even decided to wait until after we had seen all our families so he wouldn't give anything away. Of course there probably were some hints since we were 'trying'. :) So, first of all that day at work was nuts; I couldn't think about anything else! I did my best to focus on work but in between customers all I though about was having 2 kids!! I was hoping for a boy because we even wanted Madison to be a boy but of course were thrilled when we found out both were girls. We could still have a boy. :) Well, Christmas Eve we do our Christmas with my family and I was just sitting there thinking how the next Christmas would be different with another baby around, etc; and it was so hard to not just shout it out! The next morning I wanted to tell Jason, but after we did our Christmas with Madison his parents were coming by, and I still didn't want to ruin it. So most of Christmas day was torture. After they left I wanted to tell him, but for some reason I waited. So, a few hours later; I went and got my hidden package and had Madison give it to him. I had taken a picture of the stick (instead of giving him the stick) and put a pacifier in a little gift box. He opened it and it took him a minute to realize what it meant. He said, "we're going to have another baby?" I clarified, yes and he was in shock for a few more hours (maybe even days). I was soooo relieved to tell someone! For some reason we waited about a month to tell everyone else. We did secretly tell a couple of close friends first just to get it off our chest, but we told our parents before we told the world! ;) I of course had Madison in a 'big sister' shirt and showed our parents. It took Jason's parents a second to realize what it said and kind of my mom too. Although I don't really blame them, I sewed it on a regular shirt and it was kind of hard to read. :) They gave pretty much the same response as with Madison, the nervousness about raising another baby, but also excitement! It was funny too because I was almost sure Hailey was a boy because the pregnancy was so different! I had so much morning sickness and heartburn with Madison and none of that with Hailey! In fact I never went into labor with Madison because she was breach. If you've read Hailey's story, I did have braxton hicks and ultimately went into labor. So, maybe the next pregnancy will be completely different from both! :) We shall see.
I do wonder how the next one will be. Most stories I've heard the rainbow babies are the opposite gender as the one lost. So maybe we'll get our boy. Although, I am completely torn because I was so set on another girl; being able to reuse so many things! I have loved having hand-me-downs for Madison from her cousins and was excited to do that with Hailey too; especially since I have a niece that was also born in August so her hand me downs would be the right season; where Madison's matched about half the time. So, of course then the thought came to me, what if we have twins? Yep, that would be crazy! It would be chaos, but I would completely embrace it as long as they were healthy! God knows what He's doing. Which is sooooo tricky sometimes! I know He does; and I fully trust Him, but I worry that it's part of His plan to take the next one as well. I now know I could probably handle it....maybe that would be 2 angels. It would be hard and would break my heart, but I would get through it with God and the support around us like we have with Hailey. Granted I don't want that, and hope and pray that is not part of His plan, but I am simply human and can only ask that He not take the next one. So, I will just trust in Him until the end.
Anyway, so those are my stories. :) I hope you enjoyed them!
Apparently I am quite a night owl and it's starting to drive me crazy, I was on a decent schedule there for a while. I'm trying to get back on it. The main reason I'm up tonight is I've made a decision; a decision I've made several times, but I REALLY want to stick to it this time! As I've mentioned before I am a mark. representative (they are a division of Avon, for those who don't know). I am not as into that stuff as I was before. Losing a child truly puts things in perspective for you! Well, my ultimate goal is still the same and I wanted to do it with mark. but that has changed. My goal is to be able to work from home in some capacity so I can stay home and still have an income. My current situation helps with that a lot because I am home 4 days a week and only work 3. Plus I can bring Madison (and any other children we have) to work with me! So, I decided tonight I am going to build up my Etsy page and do that! With Pintrest and me being so fascinated with Etsy lately for some kind of birthstone ring, etc; that's what I want to do!! I recently made some fabric bags you store your plastic bags in for work. We use plastic bags at work for the diapers in each class; so I made a fabric bag for each class! I also recently made a fabric trash bag for Jason's truck. I also have some reusable sandwich bags I sometimes use for school. So that will be some of the things I will have. I do have a few bags in my store right now and I'm not impressed. :) I want to do better. I may try to give those away, even though at the price they are; I practically am! ;) So, be looking out for that!
Until next time!