Crossroads?

So, I feel like I am slightly at a crossroads or something. I don't know if it has been an answer to prayer or something else, but I have definitely felt like God did need Hailey more than me, and that is why she is in Heaven. Granted that may sound a little crazy, but He is God and anything that He does is for a greater purpose!! I have had such a peace with this realization. Granted many may disagree and I am not even sure I'm right, but at this point I don't care too much because it makes me feel so much better with this idea! Everytime I am thinking about how I miss her, I immediately push the idea aside because she is with Jesus watching over us! Even when we were in Stillwater today, I was a little sad because the last time we went up there she was with us because we wanted to go one last time before we had the baby. I did not get emotional or anything. It's almost like every time I thought about it, another thought came into my head saying 'it's okay'. I don't know if this is just me being on autopilot and somehow trying to supress my emotions or God giving me peace. I also like to note I am not one that reads my previous posts before typing a new one so if I repeat myself or anything; sorry. :)
Lately, the strange part of things is that I feel like I'm crazy only because I feel like I'm handling it better than I should be (granted I haven't been back to work yet). I get on the support website I've found for stillbirths and talking to family, I feel like I am more okay with things than everyone else. I am not saying I like it, but I am at peace with it.
I go back to the doctor this week for my 6 week check up and have started my list of questions and it's a lot shorter than I thought it would be; mainly because most of my questions pertain to the following pregnancy and I don't know that those questions are anything to worry about right now. I think I'm just anxious about all of it. I guess I'm anxious because I don't know how I should be feeling seeing that I feel like I'm on a different path than everyone else; although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because we all deal with it differently, etc. I'm also very anxious about the next pregnancy because I know it will be emotional and tense. I am going to be a crazy pregnant person too because I am going to try and follow all the rules! No hot dogs, no soda-or at least maybe only a sip a day, no raw eggs-no raw anything, etc. I know sometimes even that may not make a difference, but I've gotta try. I know sometimes I can get myself more worked up about things than I need to be, but I think that is human nature and I reallly try not to. That will also be part of the struggle with the next pregnancy is trying not to stress to much so I don't put that on the baby.
The main reason I feel like I'm at a crossroads is because sometimes I actually feel like I'm just ready to start trying for the next baby but I know that is a ways off physically and probably emotionally; especially with the holidays coming up. I guess that's why I feel like I'm ready because I just want to be at that point to have something else to focus on and be past the emotions of the holidays.
I do still absolutely have my rough days! I still have moments I just want to cry! I was even watching Tangled with Madison the other day and literally got teary eyed at the end when they reunited! Although I didn't get too upset because I know someday I will be reunited with her, which might be hard too because Madison may still be here on earth; even though that is the natural order is for me to go before Madison. I just want my girls together and someday we will all be a big family together! It is just interesting being in this mind set. Every mother I look at with little ones, I wonder if they know how blessed they are? I know now how lucky I am we had Madison! For all I know this could have been a possibility with her. I also pray that our kids do come to know the Lord so that we can be with Hailey and together in Heaven. I had that realization a while back that I want to make sure I make it up there with her. Yes I know it's not by works that we get into Heaven; but I want to live for Him so that when I do get up there I can't say, "well I'm saved so let me in, not matter how I lived". Maybe it's also because of the mother in me that I want to live as an example for my kids. Not to mention since everyone prayed over us since everything happened and feeling that peace and the peace I feel now, how could I not live for Him. Especially with the idea that He has Hailey because He has something bigger in the plans; I want to know what that may be and if I don't live for Him I may never know what that is. The more I study and think on it I feel like the only sure thing we have is if we have Jesus in our hearts we will spend eternity with Him so why not live for the sure thing instead of wavering on the things we aren't too sure about?
Another thing, a lot of people always ask me how Madison is doing; for some reason it always throws me off because she is only 3 and it seems like she's pretty vague on what is going on in general anyway. She has handled everything pretty well. I don't know how much she understands to begin with. I don't even know if she understands what was supposed to happen, in that Hailey was a live baby in my tummy and was supposed to come home, cry and distrupt our routine. :) Not to mention the idea of death is probably way over her head. Sometimes it makes me want to go into child psychology because I really wonder to what level they understand what is going on. Which is always the fun thing about kids. Madison always says things she hears and I can tell when she understands the meaning and when she doesn't based on the way she uses them. Like when I tell her she can't talk to me in a hateful way and she uses it back at me she doesn't understand that she needs to be respectful. So I have to explain it so she'll understand. Whereas last night she was saying she needed to get situated, she used it the right way so she knew what it meant. Yes she knows Hailey died and she's in Heaven, but she asks me how we get to Heaven and if we can go see Jesus and sister. All I can really tell her is that we'll be there someday and it's up in the sky. Like I may have mentioned before, once we bring a live baby home, especially because she'll be older, I am sure she'll put it together that it was different with Hailey and start asking why, etc. I'm starting to pray now that I will know what to tell her then! :)
Anyway, I wanted to update and share where I'm at. I'll post again to let everyone know about the doctor visit and when I go back to work the week after. I'm still working on Jason to see if he wants to post anything.
I have definitely realized everyday is a blessing and am sooooooo greatful for everyone in my life!! Everyday and every time I am around you all I realize God knew what He was doing when he had all of our paths cross!
Our God IS an AWESOME GOD!
Until next time.

Peace and Joy/Hope

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

Saw this today and liked how it applied!

This week has been kind of interesting, but not too bad. I did have a little bit of a hard time yesterday but kept myself surrounded so that helped a lot! I think the gloomy weather is affecting how I feel! When it's sunny I'm not that upset, and when it's cloudy I feel a little sad!

I've been obsessed with having things to remember Hailey by, but at night when I'm trying to sleep all I'm thinking about is how I wish I didn't have anything to remember her by because I wish she were here! It's a tough road, and we are hanging on the best we can!

Madison has clearly learned that Hailey died and she will say exactly that. I'm greatful she knows she's in Heaven watching over us and has things to remember her by. She has some of the toys that came with some of the flowers and one of them is her 'Hailey bear' and she took it to school with her. I love that she has that! I know it's going to be maybe a little hard and maybe a little interesting as she gets older and asks questions. I'm especially interested to see how she reacts when we bring a baby home; I'm sure there will certainly be questions then.

Well, I really just wanted to post that verse; I loved it when I came across it because it seemed to be right in line with everything. I also listened to a song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark this week; I had heard it before, but this was the first time since we lost Hailey and it truly brought tears to my eyes! It always has and did even more this time. It is a good song, though in dealing with what we are going through.

We are dealing and lately I have been thinking more about therapy in any form and definitely want to make sure we go to something somewhat soon, just to make sure we are dealing. Talking in general helps so I'm thinking talking to a group or a professional will definitely help us both!

Until next time.

Some Peace

I wanted to post a blog while I was feeling some peace, unlike last time. :) Like my mom said, it is okay to be upset, just so you know that is truly rare for me, even lately! I don't know if I've mentioned on here, but it has been amazing through all this. Yes it's been hard and traumatic, etc; but I truly believe all of our 'warriors' praying for us, has definitely worked! God is good! We could be walking around like zombies and crying everytime we see a baby or talk about babies; but we haven't been, we've found a little bit of peace! I can't totally speak for Jason, whom I am thinking of asking if he wants to do a post so maybe everyone can see how he's dealing. I don't know if he will, but I'm going to ask. So, I can't speak for Jason, but I have found peace in believing that God has a plan for us, whether it was part of the plan for Hailey to join Him so soon, or He has just been there by our side while we go through this. I like to think whatever the reason for Hailey to be an angel; our next baby will live a fruitful life. It has been amazing, also, that we have had this sort of peace because most people go the complete opposite direction in these times; but I guess from how I was raised (thanks Mom and Dad) and when I was so active in the youth group in high school, things have stuck with me. I have to think that it only makes sense to seek His refuge and put my faith in Him because He is the one who gives us peace! Being such a traumatic experience I would much rather let Him take care of me than thinking I could do it myself and end up miserable. I am aware it's rare to be like this and I am nothing but greatful for all those who have helped me and trusted God to help guide me on this path. I KNOW He has a plan; He put you all in my life!!! :)

I know most have seen it on Facebook, but I wanted to post these amazing verses I read earlier this evening. They are great and I think I might put them up so that I can see it daily!!

Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Until next time.

Why?

Why aren't you here with me? Why am I up crying instead of rocking you back to sleep? Why can't I hold you? Why did you have to leave us sooooo soon? Why did my body fail you?

I think I've been holding back some of my emotions. Mind you I am ultimately at peace with things; as much as I can be, but right now, tonight....I'm upset, frustrated and a little mad. Why can't Hailey be here with me? Why do I have to be at peace with anything? Why her? Not that I'm saying some other baby should have to take her place! Why does any baby have to die? They deserve the chance. Yes she is in a better place; it still hurts, I still wish she were here. I want soooo badly to know what she's like! Does she have hair like her daddy like I wanted? Does she have the laid back personality of her daddy? For the most part, and if you follow you know, I understand wondering doesn't bring her back; but why do I have to do this at all? Why can't she just be here, having taken her first breath, gone home in the outfit we picked out instead of buried in it? Why do I have to ask and wonder at all? Why do people have to tell us how sorry they are instead of how cute she is? I want to have those late nights, hear her cry, do 5 loads of laundry because she spit up or otherwise. I want to be cranky because she kept us up all night! I just want her here!! I've had moments in my life where I wish I could have something back, I wish I could have changed something but they are usually things that aren't that big of deal and things I could deal with or sometimes even change or fix. Why can't this be one of those times? It's always hard when someone young dies, they didn't live long enough, etc. Hailey didn't have a chance. She didn't get the chance to make a bad choice or good ones.
I just don't know what to do right now. I want to go to sleep like I'm supposed to but I can't. I'm hoping typing all this out will help me a little. I have been good day to day and haven't really had too many break downs or anything, and even this morning (Friday morning) it almost felt like it was surreal and didn't happen. Like being pregnant was the dream. Right now, I want the rest of it to be the dream and wake up pregnant with a healthy baby inside ready to meet her family and to go to the hospital and have her like I was supposed to healthy and maybe even screaming like I did when I was born and so did Madison! I think autopilot does describe me most of the time, but I think numb does too a little bit.
I have had a little bit of peace lately in the thought that maybe Hailey died so the next baby could be born or maybe that since she died the next baby will not only be a blessing, but will have a full life and we will make sure he or she takes advantage of as many opportunites as possible and Madison as well! I was playing with Madison earlier today and had made a comment about Hailey and she said that, but Hailey died; and it broke my heart a little but surprised me that she understood. She usually only says that Hailey is with Jesus. I was just loving on Madison as I laid down to go to sleep and it hit me hard, that I won't ever get to do that with Hailey; I sooooo badly wish I could. I HATE feeling like this! I hate that I miss her-in that I wish she were here instead. I would much rather miss her for a few hours because we went on a date; not miss her for years until I meet her in Heaven.
I was talking with a friend the other day how people either believe everything happens for a reason or things happen because of the choices we make because God gave us the free will to make decisions. I am typically an 'everything happens for a reason' person and was completely at peace that there was/is a greater reason for Hailey's passing. Although on a lot of things I do also believe that people make a choice that affects everything. God has a plan, he knows everything; but I think he also gives us the choice to follow that plan or not or to get to it differently than he originally intended. So, I had my mind set that there was a reason for Hailey to be stillborn, but now I wonder if maybe it could have [also] been because someone somewhere made a choice that affected us to not be aware or that caused what happened. I don't know; it is just frustrating not knowing, especially since knowing or not, she's still not here and nothing can change that.
Why do we have to go through this? Why? I feel so broken! I feel like I failed her. I'm so anxious right now! I wish so badly I could hold her right now or since I can't, I wish we just had our 'rainbow baby' and I could be holding him or her right now! (Madison still thinks she should have a brother next)
It is also very interesting because as I have mentioned and as many have seen, a lot of people were pregnant around the same time I was and have already had or soon to have their babies! A few of my friends on Facebook even have new babies; and I look at them and am genuinely excited for them! How can I not be, I know that joy! Honestly I'm also very glad they aren't dealing with the pain I am! Of course I also wish I was experiencing the joy as well but life had other plans. Every baby is a miracle and everyone who has a living child is blessed beyond imagination. To those that have lost one (or more) is blessed as well for knowing the joy of at least carrying that baby; no matter how long! Maybe they didn't take a breath on earth, but they still knew their mommy and we knew them and as much as we hate it; they are watching over us instead of us watching over them.
I miss you Hailey girl! I truly hope you are happy and having so much fun up there with all your friends! HUGS!!
Until next time!

Sweet Hailey *pictures*

I've been good lately, feel like I'm still on an autopilot. I am definitely 'adjusting to my new normal' I don't like it, but it's what I have to do. I was really restless today and while I was eating dinner wondered if it was maybe because I feel like I should be caring for my sweet Hailey and Madison instead of just Madison. The question 'why?' enters my head constantly; I run through things that maybe this is the reason, or this. I do hope maybe it is to ultimately help someone else. Maybe it will help Madison and her friend that lost her sisters. Maybe it is so the next baby we'll have could be born; because honestly I don't know if we would have had a third child if it weren't for Hailey's passing. I had mentioned pictures, some have already seen them, so for those who haven't I am including a few. I was looking through some at dinner and am still amazed how precious and perfect she is! I am including some of her sweet little feet! They are so perfect. I love all the comments from the previous post! They were wonderful! I especially love the idea of Hailey giggling with us when we play with Madison. It definitely gives me some peace!
Today would have been one of the days that I would have had Madison at school and technically I wouldn't have been by myself because Jason was also off, but tomorrow I will be. I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but I'll figure it out. :)

Anyway, so here are the pictures of my sweet Hailey:

I bought a locket and some charms this week and this picture is in my locket! :)

Love those sweet toes!!

sleeping; so precious

family picture





Day to Day

Well, as time goes on it seems like I do better every day. I find myself crying less; and typing that out makes me kind of sad because I feel like that is saying I don't miss her, but obviously I do, I just don't cry as much. If I really think about it, I'll start crying. I even had a moment today that it just hit me. I actually even do okay on days like today when we were out and about and I see little babies. I think I just see it as a baby like I would before. It seems that it'll be the ones that were born closer to when Hailey was that will be hard, seeing what she should be doing. I am constantly seeing things that I realize she'll never get to do. Especially this morning, I was playing with Madi before we got out of bed, tickling, etc; and the thought that we'll only get to do that with her in Heaven made me want to cry, but Madison kept 'attacking' me so I didn't but it still made me sad. I think ultimately I am at peace that she is in Heaven and watching over us and is at peace. The other day I was literally thinking, okay, I need to move on; but how? I have no idea what to do with myself right now! I spent so long planning to be taking care of a newborn and now that I'm not, I don't know what to do. Plus we aren't at a place to be working on the next baby, so I'm trying to think of what I can be doing. I think it is also why I've been thinking of all these things I want to sew! This past week Jason was at work and my parents had had vacation the week before; so this week everyone was at work and when it came time to get things ready for Madison to go to MDO I decided to keep her with me. So, next week I will send her to MDO and I will be by myself for a few hours 3 days a week at least for 2 weeks. I think I am going to work on some projects. I don't know what all that will be, but I'll figure it out. :) I had started a bag for my niece before everything happened and everyday I look at it and feel bad I haven't finished it, but I haven't had the energy to pull out my sewing machine; but I will this week!! I'm sure I'll stay busy. Maybe I'll go through Madison's room and figure out what I need to do with the baby stuff until we need it again.
Also, speaking of Hailey's things, I had thought about posting pictures of her on here. I understand not everyone is comfortable with that sort of thing, but for those that might want to see her it'd be a good way to see her. I would like to share at least one or two as she is still my baby and people love showing pictures of their baby. I wanted to get your thoughts; I will probably plan on incorporating a couple in the next post, but I wanted to see what you thought too.
We haven't gone to a support group or counseling or anything yet but it's definitely on our list of to do because our emotions are still a little raw and anytime we have stress come up it opens other wounds as well. I have been on a support website and that has helped a lot too and my amazing friend who has been through this before has let me text her even after 10pm. It's helped having people that know what I'm feeling let me know that it will get better and to help prepare me for some of those awkward situations I will have to encounter.
It is interesting in all this too because I do actually still have moments where I feel like this isn't real, and keep waiting for me to wake up and then when I realize it is, I get emotional. I have also had some moments this week where I literally wanted to hide under a rock and not deal with anything; but since I couldn't it made it a little rough, but I pressed on. I also had a hard time one night because I am still the wife and mother that I am that has to be there to help Madison with the day to day and take care of the house, and be the wife I need to be.....on top of dealing with all the emotions we are dealing with. It definitely makes things a little crazy.
Anyway, things are starting to get better, but we still have our hard days and it seems like we deal with different levels of it as time goes on.
Until next time! <3

"Auto-Pilot"

So, I'm sorry if I'm posting too much; which is funny because it's quite a switch from before. I can't decide if I'm just keeping myself busy or some days am just on autopilot because like the other day was so emotional and yesterday was a little bit of both but today I feel like I am on autopilot. I look at Hailey's pictures and am very sad, but don't break down like usual. Granted I still get tears in my eyes; but I don't start bawling. I don't know if it's just that some days I am accepting and/or at peace. It's kind of good, I suppose because then I'm not walking around upset all the time but I feel like there is no 'normal' for this so it's hard to say. We did have an interesting encounter today; I was inside, but Jason and Madison were on the porch and I guess the neighbor to the East of us had just pulled up and Madison asked the neighbor if she saw our windchime. The neighbor said she did and it was beautiful and I think either she asked or Madison just offered up what the windchimes were for, Madison said it was for sister. The neighbor looked at Jason and either asked, 'what is she talking about?' So, Jason explained to her what happened. I figured they didn't know since we usually only say hi in passing and as my sister mentioned and I'm sure many noticed but I did not look as pregnant as I was; my belly wasn't that big and it makes sense that Hailey was only 4lbs 11oz. So I'm sure they didn't notice I was even pregnant. Anyway, it's always interesting to see how people react. It is funny, though, because Madison has already decided she is having a brother next! I don't know if she knows something I don't or if she is just hoping. :) She is asking or talking about it because there are still some of the baby toys out, etc. I haven't put ANYTHING up, not necessarily because of my emotions, but mainly because I just don't know what to do. Some things I kinda feel like they are fine where they are for whenever the time comes for our 'Rainbow Baby'. I guess I'm trying to decide if I need to mess with putting it up to get it out in a year. Of course, I know a lot can happen in a year. Of course if we do have a boy next I will definitely be boxing up the outfits we bought just for Hailey separately from all the hand-me-downs. I also have some things like a 'tag blanket' I made for Hailey (I made some for Madison too) and some of the toys we bought for her if I want the next baby (if it's a girl) to use or put up with the rest of Hailey's things. Granted I do also have my days that it HURTS to have stuff in a box like that, because she should be using them instead of them sitting in a box! Of course I constantly remind myself that no matter what I think or question I know I can't change the outcome, so as much as I hate it and as painful as it might be I have to accept that. I've been on support websites and read about going out to the grave, etc which I haven't even thought about yet. It has been good, though seeing other moms that lost their baby the same time I did; obviously not good that they are on there, but good for us to help each other. Ironically I also found another mark. rep that has been through what I have which also steered me to one of the support websites. She also has a 'Rainbow Baby' so it will help having her to talk to about that journey as well. It's just one of those things that you always hope never happens to you, and then if it does you just have to live with it; if we want to or not. We also have a support group meeting this week; we just haven't really talked about if we are for sure going. I know we need to and should, etc it's knowing the emotions that are going to be lashed out; if I'm ready or not. It's all part of the journey. We'll figure it out.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to blog a little; sorry it's a little longer than I intended. :)
Until next time.