Why?

Why aren't you here with me? Why am I up crying instead of rocking you back to sleep? Why can't I hold you? Why did you have to leave us sooooo soon? Why did my body fail you?

I think I've been holding back some of my emotions. Mind you I am ultimately at peace with things; as much as I can be, but right now, tonight....I'm upset, frustrated and a little mad. Why can't Hailey be here with me? Why do I have to be at peace with anything? Why her? Not that I'm saying some other baby should have to take her place! Why does any baby have to die? They deserve the chance. Yes she is in a better place; it still hurts, I still wish she were here. I want soooo badly to know what she's like! Does she have hair like her daddy like I wanted? Does she have the laid back personality of her daddy? For the most part, and if you follow you know, I understand wondering doesn't bring her back; but why do I have to do this at all? Why can't she just be here, having taken her first breath, gone home in the outfit we picked out instead of buried in it? Why do I have to ask and wonder at all? Why do people have to tell us how sorry they are instead of how cute she is? I want to have those late nights, hear her cry, do 5 loads of laundry because she spit up or otherwise. I want to be cranky because she kept us up all night! I just want her here!! I've had moments in my life where I wish I could have something back, I wish I could have changed something but they are usually things that aren't that big of deal and things I could deal with or sometimes even change or fix. Why can't this be one of those times? It's always hard when someone young dies, they didn't live long enough, etc. Hailey didn't have a chance. She didn't get the chance to make a bad choice or good ones.
I just don't know what to do right now. I want to go to sleep like I'm supposed to but I can't. I'm hoping typing all this out will help me a little. I have been good day to day and haven't really had too many break downs or anything, and even this morning (Friday morning) it almost felt like it was surreal and didn't happen. Like being pregnant was the dream. Right now, I want the rest of it to be the dream and wake up pregnant with a healthy baby inside ready to meet her family and to go to the hospital and have her like I was supposed to healthy and maybe even screaming like I did when I was born and so did Madison! I think autopilot does describe me most of the time, but I think numb does too a little bit.
I have had a little bit of peace lately in the thought that maybe Hailey died so the next baby could be born or maybe that since she died the next baby will not only be a blessing, but will have a full life and we will make sure he or she takes advantage of as many opportunites as possible and Madison as well! I was playing with Madison earlier today and had made a comment about Hailey and she said that, but Hailey died; and it broke my heart a little but surprised me that she understood. She usually only says that Hailey is with Jesus. I was just loving on Madison as I laid down to go to sleep and it hit me hard, that I won't ever get to do that with Hailey; I sooooo badly wish I could. I HATE feeling like this! I hate that I miss her-in that I wish she were here instead. I would much rather miss her for a few hours because we went on a date; not miss her for years until I meet her in Heaven.
I was talking with a friend the other day how people either believe everything happens for a reason or things happen because of the choices we make because God gave us the free will to make decisions. I am typically an 'everything happens for a reason' person and was completely at peace that there was/is a greater reason for Hailey's passing. Although on a lot of things I do also believe that people make a choice that affects everything. God has a plan, he knows everything; but I think he also gives us the choice to follow that plan or not or to get to it differently than he originally intended. So, I had my mind set that there was a reason for Hailey to be stillborn, but now I wonder if maybe it could have [also] been because someone somewhere made a choice that affected us to not be aware or that caused what happened. I don't know; it is just frustrating not knowing, especially since knowing or not, she's still not here and nothing can change that.
Why do we have to go through this? Why? I feel so broken! I feel like I failed her. I'm so anxious right now! I wish so badly I could hold her right now or since I can't, I wish we just had our 'rainbow baby' and I could be holding him or her right now! (Madison still thinks she should have a brother next)
It is also very interesting because as I have mentioned and as many have seen, a lot of people were pregnant around the same time I was and have already had or soon to have their babies! A few of my friends on Facebook even have new babies; and I look at them and am genuinely excited for them! How can I not be, I know that joy! Honestly I'm also very glad they aren't dealing with the pain I am! Of course I also wish I was experiencing the joy as well but life had other plans. Every baby is a miracle and everyone who has a living child is blessed beyond imagination. To those that have lost one (or more) is blessed as well for knowing the joy of at least carrying that baby; no matter how long! Maybe they didn't take a breath on earth, but they still knew their mommy and we knew them and as much as we hate it; they are watching over us instead of us watching over them.
I miss you Hailey girl! I truly hope you are happy and having so much fun up there with all your friends! HUGS!!
Until next time!

Sweet Hailey *pictures*

I've been good lately, feel like I'm still on an autopilot. I am definitely 'adjusting to my new normal' I don't like it, but it's what I have to do. I was really restless today and while I was eating dinner wondered if it was maybe because I feel like I should be caring for my sweet Hailey and Madison instead of just Madison. The question 'why?' enters my head constantly; I run through things that maybe this is the reason, or this. I do hope maybe it is to ultimately help someone else. Maybe it will help Madison and her friend that lost her sisters. Maybe it is so the next baby we'll have could be born; because honestly I don't know if we would have had a third child if it weren't for Hailey's passing. I had mentioned pictures, some have already seen them, so for those who haven't I am including a few. I was looking through some at dinner and am still amazed how precious and perfect she is! I am including some of her sweet little feet! They are so perfect. I love all the comments from the previous post! They were wonderful! I especially love the idea of Hailey giggling with us when we play with Madison. It definitely gives me some peace!
Today would have been one of the days that I would have had Madison at school and technically I wouldn't have been by myself because Jason was also off, but tomorrow I will be. I haven't decided what I'll do yet, but I'll figure it out. :)

Anyway, so here are the pictures of my sweet Hailey:

I bought a locket and some charms this week and this picture is in my locket! :)

Love those sweet toes!!

sleeping; so precious

family picture





Day to Day

Well, as time goes on it seems like I do better every day. I find myself crying less; and typing that out makes me kind of sad because I feel like that is saying I don't miss her, but obviously I do, I just don't cry as much. If I really think about it, I'll start crying. I even had a moment today that it just hit me. I actually even do okay on days like today when we were out and about and I see little babies. I think I just see it as a baby like I would before. It seems that it'll be the ones that were born closer to when Hailey was that will be hard, seeing what she should be doing. I am constantly seeing things that I realize she'll never get to do. Especially this morning, I was playing with Madi before we got out of bed, tickling, etc; and the thought that we'll only get to do that with her in Heaven made me want to cry, but Madison kept 'attacking' me so I didn't but it still made me sad. I think ultimately I am at peace that she is in Heaven and watching over us and is at peace. The other day I was literally thinking, okay, I need to move on; but how? I have no idea what to do with myself right now! I spent so long planning to be taking care of a newborn and now that I'm not, I don't know what to do. Plus we aren't at a place to be working on the next baby, so I'm trying to think of what I can be doing. I think it is also why I've been thinking of all these things I want to sew! This past week Jason was at work and my parents had had vacation the week before; so this week everyone was at work and when it came time to get things ready for Madison to go to MDO I decided to keep her with me. So, next week I will send her to MDO and I will be by myself for a few hours 3 days a week at least for 2 weeks. I think I am going to work on some projects. I don't know what all that will be, but I'll figure it out. :) I had started a bag for my niece before everything happened and everyday I look at it and feel bad I haven't finished it, but I haven't had the energy to pull out my sewing machine; but I will this week!! I'm sure I'll stay busy. Maybe I'll go through Madison's room and figure out what I need to do with the baby stuff until we need it again.
Also, speaking of Hailey's things, I had thought about posting pictures of her on here. I understand not everyone is comfortable with that sort of thing, but for those that might want to see her it'd be a good way to see her. I would like to share at least one or two as she is still my baby and people love showing pictures of their baby. I wanted to get your thoughts; I will probably plan on incorporating a couple in the next post, but I wanted to see what you thought too.
We haven't gone to a support group or counseling or anything yet but it's definitely on our list of to do because our emotions are still a little raw and anytime we have stress come up it opens other wounds as well. I have been on a support website and that has helped a lot too and my amazing friend who has been through this before has let me text her even after 10pm. It's helped having people that know what I'm feeling let me know that it will get better and to help prepare me for some of those awkward situations I will have to encounter.
It is interesting in all this too because I do actually still have moments where I feel like this isn't real, and keep waiting for me to wake up and then when I realize it is, I get emotional. I have also had some moments this week where I literally wanted to hide under a rock and not deal with anything; but since I couldn't it made it a little rough, but I pressed on. I also had a hard time one night because I am still the wife and mother that I am that has to be there to help Madison with the day to day and take care of the house, and be the wife I need to be.....on top of dealing with all the emotions we are dealing with. It definitely makes things a little crazy.
Anyway, things are starting to get better, but we still have our hard days and it seems like we deal with different levels of it as time goes on.
Until next time! <3

"Auto-Pilot"

So, I'm sorry if I'm posting too much; which is funny because it's quite a switch from before. I can't decide if I'm just keeping myself busy or some days am just on autopilot because like the other day was so emotional and yesterday was a little bit of both but today I feel like I am on autopilot. I look at Hailey's pictures and am very sad, but don't break down like usual. Granted I still get tears in my eyes; but I don't start bawling. I don't know if it's just that some days I am accepting and/or at peace. It's kind of good, I suppose because then I'm not walking around upset all the time but I feel like there is no 'normal' for this so it's hard to say. We did have an interesting encounter today; I was inside, but Jason and Madison were on the porch and I guess the neighbor to the East of us had just pulled up and Madison asked the neighbor if she saw our windchime. The neighbor said she did and it was beautiful and I think either she asked or Madison just offered up what the windchimes were for, Madison said it was for sister. The neighbor looked at Jason and either asked, 'what is she talking about?' So, Jason explained to her what happened. I figured they didn't know since we usually only say hi in passing and as my sister mentioned and I'm sure many noticed but I did not look as pregnant as I was; my belly wasn't that big and it makes sense that Hailey was only 4lbs 11oz. So I'm sure they didn't notice I was even pregnant. Anyway, it's always interesting to see how people react. It is funny, though, because Madison has already decided she is having a brother next! I don't know if she knows something I don't or if she is just hoping. :) She is asking or talking about it because there are still some of the baby toys out, etc. I haven't put ANYTHING up, not necessarily because of my emotions, but mainly because I just don't know what to do. Some things I kinda feel like they are fine where they are for whenever the time comes for our 'Rainbow Baby'. I guess I'm trying to decide if I need to mess with putting it up to get it out in a year. Of course, I know a lot can happen in a year. Of course if we do have a boy next I will definitely be boxing up the outfits we bought just for Hailey separately from all the hand-me-downs. I also have some things like a 'tag blanket' I made for Hailey (I made some for Madison too) and some of the toys we bought for her if I want the next baby (if it's a girl) to use or put up with the rest of Hailey's things. Granted I do also have my days that it HURTS to have stuff in a box like that, because she should be using them instead of them sitting in a box! Of course I constantly remind myself that no matter what I think or question I know I can't change the outcome, so as much as I hate it and as painful as it might be I have to accept that. I've been on support websites and read about going out to the grave, etc which I haven't even thought about yet. It has been good, though seeing other moms that lost their baby the same time I did; obviously not good that they are on there, but good for us to help each other. Ironically I also found another mark. rep that has been through what I have which also steered me to one of the support websites. She also has a 'Rainbow Baby' so it will help having her to talk to about that journey as well. It's just one of those things that you always hope never happens to you, and then if it does you just have to live with it; if we want to or not. We also have a support group meeting this week; we just haven't really talked about if we are for sure going. I know we need to and should, etc it's knowing the emotions that are going to be lashed out; if I'm ready or not. It's all part of the journey. We'll figure it out.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to blog a little; sorry it's a little longer than I intended. :)
Until next time.

Correction

So I was talking to my mom today and she mentioned that I was wrong about what the doctor said. This is why I had someone in there with me. :) So the placenta did separate and that's what caused the blood clot. Also, my uterus looked bruised because of all the blood clots from the placenta separating so fast. Which I will also mention all of this is what worries me about having another; but that is still a while off and the doctor didn't say I shouldn't or couldn't so, we'll definitely address that when that time comes.
I also want to add, how I've mentioned good days and bad days before; well today was definitely a rough day! I woke up really early because of heartburn and had a hard time getting back to sleep and Jason had already gone to work. So I was up and thinking and I got a little emotional and had a good cry. Which was all fine because the past few days I'd felt like I was on autopilot and didn't think about stuff too much. I did get back to sleep after my mom took Madi to church. I woke up and got ready for Sunday lunch at my parents and for whatever reason, the weather or just my mood, I didn't feel like being around anyone. I just wanted to curl up back in my bed and stay there allll day; but I went on because I knew I needed it. I pulled up at my parents and took a deep breath beacause I just wasn't feeling it and just wanted to cry. I got through it and went in. I figured as long as we didn't talk about it, I'd be fine. One of the first things my sister asks is if I'm doing ok; I kinda mumble, I'm fine because I was trying not to cry. My mom must have known because she asked me again and of course since I was looking right at her I just started crying. She hugged me and told me it's okay, everyone understands, I'm not expected to always be ok. I went to the bathroom cried a little more, wiped my eyes and went back in and just sat down trying to be into what everyone else was doing. All my nieces were there and some cousins and Madison playing and what not, so I just let myself think about that and I did ok. I felt bad because I was supposed to go out with a friend later in the evening but I cancelled because of how my morning went. It probably was better because I literally feel like I barely got through lunch. I don't know why it hit me so hard today, maybe just because I had alone time to think about it, I don't know; but that is the journey I'm on. I have found some good things online that have helped and am slowly meeting new people that have had the same experience, so I do feel like I'm slowly healing. Key word being slowly. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to share that correction. Hopefully I did get it right this time; if not let me know, Mom. :)
Until next time.

Dr Visit, Girls Night, EMOTIONS....

So, first of all, of course I should mention everything from the doctor visit. I had my mom go ahead and come back with me (I couldn't get it worked out so Jason could go; and he didn't like that), so if I forgot anything from the visit my mom could help me remember. The dr pretty much said they aren't sure what specifically caused it, it looks like a blood clot got behind the placenta and something caused it to rupture. She even said that once they pulled everything out my uterus was bruised from everything happening so fast. Which was also a part of it, that everything happened so fast there wasn't much they could do. Since my first pregnancy with Madison was fine, this was most likely a random thing; but they will go ahead and run a blood test when I go back for my 6 week to see if there is anything that could have contributed. Either way, with the next pregnancy we will watch things more closely and probably even have a couple extra ultrasounds and maybe even some stress tests, etc. We will also meet with the high risk doctors to see if that is an avenue we need to take. She also said we should probably wait 6 months to try again so I can heal. Right now, I have days I feel like I'm ready now and day when I just want Hailey and can't really think about having another baby. So I'm sure emotionally that will be a good time frame but mainly with a c-section and all the trauma 6 months is the time frame for me to heal physically. Especially with all the holidays coming up, that will probably be good, emotionally.
I think I am definitely getting better with things because since everything has happened and as I talk to people I realize that one, I have completely overestimated the difference between miscarriages and stillborn losses. Emotionally they are very similar. Every loss is different regardless of the time of the loss, but emotionally it's pretty similar. We all lost a baby. I have even been able to take Madison into school and pick her up without getting all emotional; which I thought I would not be able to do for a few more weeks. Since I have gotten better about talking about it; basically learning that the more I talk it actually helps and heals; I think that is why I am able to go into the school and usually spend some time talking.
So my amazing sisters planned a girls night with some of my friends and even though it was just dinner and I was actually only able to talk to half of the girls that came; it still went well. I was so glad to get out with the girls. I wanted to do something after but it was a week night and everyone was tired; next time. :) It helped a lot!!
I also had a first today, I had to take my rent to my landlords, and I hadn't talked to them in a month. So, the last time I talked to them I had planned to either have Jason bring it out there while I was home with Hailey or I could and bring Hailey by. So, of course when I walked in she asked, "So, did we have a baby" and I had to explain what happened and of course I started crying. I was thinking I'd be okay and not cry; but alas I couldn't help it. It wasn't as bad since I know them, so when I have to explain even the jest of my situation, I'm dreading it. It is hard being that it's still so fresh, because I don't want to dilute Hailey's memory but I don't want to pour out my whole story to every stranger either. Especially if it's a cashier or something because I've also been on the other side (not to this degree) where people have told too much of a story and even though I am a caring person, I certainly don't mind if they feel like they need to share that with me; but it's not the time when there are 3 people behind them in a hurry or just wanting to check out. So, it's hard; but I'm sure most people won't really pry anyway. Plus if I have Madison with me and they ask me if she's my only child, I have to be picky what I say if she's listening. Of course with Madison, I'm sure she'll tell them Hailey is with Jesus (as she does if you ask her anyway), they will probably think that's cute and leave it alone.
Every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it's not always day to day some times it can change from morning to evening! The other day I was fine pretty much all day and come evening it just hit me. It's funny too because my parents had taken this week off to help with baby and with everything they went ahead and took it off, which worked out too because Jason went back to work this week. So, it's been interesting because we've been running errands and taking care of stuff I've needed to do, which is good because it gets me out instead of at home dwelling. The ironic part is that it's those moments that actually make me miss her more because I keep thinking how she should be with us, and I should be dealing with her and stuff that needs to be done instead of what we were doing. More than anything it just helps being around people. I felt silly because earlier in the week Jason went out for his "guys night" and he called around to make sure someone could come hang out with me while he was out and I felt like he was looking for a baby sitter for me; but I'm sure it was for the better it just seems weird. :)
Ultimately I think I'm doing pretty good emotionally, most days. Sometimes, though I almost feel bad for having a good day because I feel like I'm not thinking of her very much. Although, most of the time, I feel worse for dwelling because I know it wouldn't be something she or God would want, so I find some kind of middle. :) Hopefully I'm not wearing on my friends to much because I have actually been talking a lot about her to them. Granted they all said if I needed anything let them know.....I need an ear on occasion, so be prepared. :)
We also actually had our friends that had been through a similar thing had their daughters birthday party and she is the same age as Madison so I really wanted her to go but didn't know if we were ready because they do a balloon release at the party. Luckily my mom said she could take her. I mentioned the balloon release and she said she was fine with it and after the party she called me and said she wasn't ok. She also said that it was ok because my friends mom came over and talked to her. Which I think is great because that actually gives my mom someone to talk to because they are in the exact same position; the mothers of the daughters that lost the babies. So I am hoping that is something that pans out for her to help her heal too.
We have had a couple of  references for groups and my dr even said she could get us in contact with any kind of group or counseling we might need. Groups, mentoring, family, single; etc. So, down the road I may look into some of those.
Oh, and Jason said his first day back was kind of hard because everyone was asking what happened, etc; so he had to tell the story and everything, so that made it kind of hard. I think ultimately it was good for him to get back so some kind of normal. I am kind of eager to get back to that even though some moments of mine will be hard; playing with the kids in my class will help me tons, I just need to heal physically. :)
Overall, everyday is a journey and we are doing pretty well, but somedays are still hard. This past week when the day came that we were originally scheduled to have Hailey was a little hard, but we got through it. Also this past week we got some wind chimes from my aunt to think of Hailey when we hear them and I love that! My sister also mentioned that when it storms we can think of Hailey (and her friends) helping God and Jesus play with the flashlights and dropping toys like Madison says. :) So having stuff like that helps make things a little easier and feel like she's here with us.
*We miss you and love you sweet girl; someday we'll see you again and hold you!
Until next time.

Oh Me, Oh My

So it's been over a week since everything; in fact its almost been two weeks! I go to the dr on Wednesday to get all I can out of her. :) We have had a week of people bringing us food and visiting and what not, so that has definitely helped. My mom has been worried about us getting out enough, and when we got out yesterday to go to the mall, we see nothing but babies! It is all still a process and a journey and we are doing the best we can! We've already had a few moments where we just break down but we have definitely talked a lot so that's helping. I do have hope things will get easier. We do have close friends that share in our experience and it is great to have them to talk to!! They came over this week and it helped to compare stories and just to talk things out! Which is ironic because I was just on a website looking for other moms sharing their stories of their losses and granted all stories are different but I don't think the website is a place for me; I just couldn't find anything that helped in anyway. Plus most stories I came across they lost their babies early, early in their pregnancies, so I definitely couldn't relate. I think that is one of the hard things for me is that I was so close to my due date! I did find one thread of moms who had lost their babies at full term and quite a few had lost them because the cord was tangled around the neck. Great one more thing to be worried about! As I mentioned in the previous post, we have decided to try again fairly soon; I do want to make sure emotionally I can handle it. So I definitely have a lot of questions for the dr and will want a lot of information; and either way I am pretty sure I will be on edge the entire pregnancy! It is definitely an emotional roller coaster; all of it! One of my main focuses right now is to prepare myself for going back to work and seeing the babies, especially because it seems like a lot of people got pregnant around the same time I did. Some already had theirs and some still have somewhere around a month or two to go. Which I think its mainly hard because I waited 9 months to see Hailey and now she's not here and I have to wait 9 plus months to see the next baby; whereas everyone else has their baby now, and it's healthy. I do not have a grudge against anyone! I definitely know the joy they are feeling and I am so happy for all of them; it is just hard for me because I wanted Hailey sooooo bad and she didn't make it. I think I've gotten to the why stage but I am not mad at anyone. From what I've been told, so far, it seems like it was just a random thing that happened and their was no way they could have known, etc. So, really how is it anyone's fault? Also, honestly what good does it do to blame God? I know a lot of people have a hard time with the idea that He took their baby away; but I am a firm believer God doesn't do anything without a plan! Yes it hurts and yes I hate it, but He has a plan; and I may never know or maybe some of it will be revealed in so many years. I just hate that it was so close; that literally hours before her being stillborn I felt her kick and they had her heartbeat on the monitor. Naturally, I wish we could have just had her then, while she was still fine; but I also know dwelling on that doesn't change anything, so I move on. I'm sorry if I've been all over the place on this blog, that's definitely a peak into my mind this week! If we didn't have calendars we wouldn't know what was going on! I am also greatful for Madison because she helps keep my mind functioning because as any parent knows you have to constantly think about what they need for 'today' and frankly 'tomorrow' in case they need laundry, etc.; so that has helped keep me on my toes, not to mention playing with her and the everyday activites with her help us cope as well.
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!