So, I'm sorry if I'm posting too much; which is funny because it's quite a switch from before. I can't decide if I'm just keeping myself busy or some days am just on autopilot because like the other day was so emotional and yesterday was a little bit of both but today I feel like I am on autopilot. I look at Hailey's pictures and am very sad, but don't break down like usual. Granted I still get tears in my eyes; but I don't start bawling. I don't know if it's just that some days I am accepting and/or at peace. It's kind of good, I suppose because then I'm not walking around upset all the time but I feel like there is no 'normal' for this so it's hard to say. We did have an interesting encounter today; I was inside, but Jason and Madison were on the porch and I guess the neighbor to the East of us had just pulled up and Madison asked the neighbor if she saw our windchime. The neighbor said she did and it was beautiful and I think either she asked or Madison just offered up what the windchimes were for, Madison said it was for sister. The neighbor looked at Jason and either asked, 'what is she talking about?' So, Jason explained to her what happened. I figured they didn't know since we usually only say hi in passing and as my sister mentioned and I'm sure many noticed but I did not look as pregnant as I was; my belly wasn't that big and it makes sense that Hailey was only 4lbs 11oz. So I'm sure they didn't notice I was even pregnant. Anyway, it's always interesting to see how people react. It is funny, though, because Madison has already decided she is having a brother next! I don't know if she knows something I don't or if she is just hoping. :) She is asking or talking about it because there are still some of the baby toys out, etc. I haven't put ANYTHING up, not necessarily because of my emotions, but mainly because I just don't know what to do. Some things I kinda feel like they are fine where they are for whenever the time comes for our 'Rainbow Baby'. I guess I'm trying to decide if I need to mess with putting it up to get it out in a year. Of course, I know a lot can happen in a year. Of course if we do have a boy next I will definitely be boxing up the outfits we bought just for Hailey separately from all the hand-me-downs. I also have some things like a 'tag blanket' I made for Hailey (I made some for Madison too) and some of the toys we bought for her if I want the next baby (if it's a girl) to use or put up with the rest of Hailey's things. Granted I do also have my days that it HURTS to have stuff in a box like that, because she should be using them instead of them sitting in a box! Of course I constantly remind myself that no matter what I think or question I know I can't change the outcome, so as much as I hate it and as painful as it might be I have to accept that. I've been on support websites and read about going out to the grave, etc which I haven't even thought about yet. It has been good, though seeing other moms that lost their baby the same time I did; obviously not good that they are on there, but good for us to help each other. Ironically I also found another mark. rep that has been through what I have which also steered me to one of the support websites. She also has a 'Rainbow Baby' so it will help having her to talk to about that journey as well. It's just one of those things that you always hope never happens to you, and then if it does you just have to live with it; if we want to or not. We also have a support group meeting this week; we just haven't really talked about if we are for sure going. I know we need to and should, etc it's knowing the emotions that are going to be lashed out; if I'm ready or not. It's all part of the journey. We'll figure it out.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to blog a little; sorry it's a little longer than I intended. :)
Until next time.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Correction
So I was talking to my mom today and she mentioned that I was wrong about what the doctor said. This is why I had someone in there with me. :) So the placenta did separate and that's what caused the blood clot. Also, my uterus looked bruised because of all the blood clots from the placenta separating so fast. Which I will also mention all of this is what worries me about having another; but that is still a while off and the doctor didn't say I shouldn't or couldn't so, we'll definitely address that when that time comes.
I also want to add, how I've mentioned good days and bad days before; well today was definitely a rough day! I woke up really early because of heartburn and had a hard time getting back to sleep and Jason had already gone to work. So I was up and thinking and I got a little emotional and had a good cry. Which was all fine because the past few days I'd felt like I was on autopilot and didn't think about stuff too much. I did get back to sleep after my mom took Madi to church. I woke up and got ready for Sunday lunch at my parents and for whatever reason, the weather or just my mood, I didn't feel like being around anyone. I just wanted to curl up back in my bed and stay there allll day; but I went on because I knew I needed it. I pulled up at my parents and took a deep breath beacause I just wasn't feeling it and just wanted to cry. I got through it and went in. I figured as long as we didn't talk about it, I'd be fine. One of the first things my sister asks is if I'm doing ok; I kinda mumble, I'm fine because I was trying not to cry. My mom must have known because she asked me again and of course since I was looking right at her I just started crying. She hugged me and told me it's okay, everyone understands, I'm not expected to always be ok. I went to the bathroom cried a little more, wiped my eyes and went back in and just sat down trying to be into what everyone else was doing. All my nieces were there and some cousins and Madison playing and what not, so I just let myself think about that and I did ok. I felt bad because I was supposed to go out with a friend later in the evening but I cancelled because of how my morning went. It probably was better because I literally feel like I barely got through lunch. I don't know why it hit me so hard today, maybe just because I had alone time to think about it, I don't know; but that is the journey I'm on. I have found some good things online that have helped and am slowly meeting new people that have had the same experience, so I do feel like I'm slowly healing. Key word being slowly. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to share that correction. Hopefully I did get it right this time; if not let me know, Mom. :)
Until next time.
I also want to add, how I've mentioned good days and bad days before; well today was definitely a rough day! I woke up really early because of heartburn and had a hard time getting back to sleep and Jason had already gone to work. So I was up and thinking and I got a little emotional and had a good cry. Which was all fine because the past few days I'd felt like I was on autopilot and didn't think about stuff too much. I did get back to sleep after my mom took Madi to church. I woke up and got ready for Sunday lunch at my parents and for whatever reason, the weather or just my mood, I didn't feel like being around anyone. I just wanted to curl up back in my bed and stay there allll day; but I went on because I knew I needed it. I pulled up at my parents and took a deep breath beacause I just wasn't feeling it and just wanted to cry. I got through it and went in. I figured as long as we didn't talk about it, I'd be fine. One of the first things my sister asks is if I'm doing ok; I kinda mumble, I'm fine because I was trying not to cry. My mom must have known because she asked me again and of course since I was looking right at her I just started crying. She hugged me and told me it's okay, everyone understands, I'm not expected to always be ok. I went to the bathroom cried a little more, wiped my eyes and went back in and just sat down trying to be into what everyone else was doing. All my nieces were there and some cousins and Madison playing and what not, so I just let myself think about that and I did ok. I felt bad because I was supposed to go out with a friend later in the evening but I cancelled because of how my morning went. It probably was better because I literally feel like I barely got through lunch. I don't know why it hit me so hard today, maybe just because I had alone time to think about it, I don't know; but that is the journey I'm on. I have found some good things online that have helped and am slowly meeting new people that have had the same experience, so I do feel like I'm slowly healing. Key word being slowly. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to share that correction. Hopefully I did get it right this time; if not let me know, Mom. :)
Until next time.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Dr Visit, Girls Night, EMOTIONS....
So, first of all, of course I should mention everything from the doctor visit. I had my mom go ahead and come back with me (I couldn't get it worked out so Jason could go; and he didn't like that), so if I forgot anything from the visit my mom could help me remember. The dr pretty much said they aren't sure what specifically caused it, it looks like a blood clot got behind the placenta and something caused it to rupture. She even said that once they pulled everything out my uterus was bruised from everything happening so fast. Which was also a part of it, that everything happened so fast there wasn't much they could do. Since my first pregnancy with Madison was fine, this was most likely a random thing; but they will go ahead and run a blood test when I go back for my 6 week to see if there is anything that could have contributed. Either way, with the next pregnancy we will watch things more closely and probably even have a couple extra ultrasounds and maybe even some stress tests, etc. We will also meet with the high risk doctors to see if that is an avenue we need to take. She also said we should probably wait 6 months to try again so I can heal. Right now, I have days I feel like I'm ready now and day when I just want Hailey and can't really think about having another baby. So I'm sure emotionally that will be a good time frame but mainly with a c-section and all the trauma 6 months is the time frame for me to heal physically. Especially with all the holidays coming up, that will probably be good, emotionally.
I think I am definitely getting better with things because since everything has happened and as I talk to people I realize that one, I have completely overestimated the difference between miscarriages and stillborn losses. Emotionally they are very similar. Every loss is different regardless of the time of the loss, but emotionally it's pretty similar. We all lost a baby. I have even been able to take Madison into school and pick her up without getting all emotional; which I thought I would not be able to do for a few more weeks. Since I have gotten better about talking about it; basically learning that the more I talk it actually helps and heals; I think that is why I am able to go into the school and usually spend some time talking.
So my amazing sisters planned a girls night with some of my friends and even though it was just dinner and I was actually only able to talk to half of the girls that came; it still went well. I was so glad to get out with the girls. I wanted to do something after but it was a week night and everyone was tired; next time. :) It helped a lot!!
I also had a first today, I had to take my rent to my landlords, and I hadn't talked to them in a month. So, the last time I talked to them I had planned to either have Jason bring it out there while I was home with Hailey or I could and bring Hailey by. So, of course when I walked in she asked, "So, did we have a baby" and I had to explain what happened and of course I started crying. I was thinking I'd be okay and not cry; but alas I couldn't help it. It wasn't as bad since I know them, so when I have to explain even the jest of my situation, I'm dreading it. It is hard being that it's still so fresh, because I don't want to dilute Hailey's memory but I don't want to pour out my whole story to every stranger either. Especially if it's a cashier or something because I've also been on the other side (not to this degree) where people have told too much of a story and even though I am a caring person, I certainly don't mind if they feel like they need to share that with me; but it's not the time when there are 3 people behind them in a hurry or just wanting to check out. So, it's hard; but I'm sure most people won't really pry anyway. Plus if I have Madison with me and they ask me if she's my only child, I have to be picky what I say if she's listening. Of course with Madison, I'm sure she'll tell them Hailey is with Jesus (as she does if you ask her anyway), they will probably think that's cute and leave it alone.
Every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it's not always day to day some times it can change from morning to evening! The other day I was fine pretty much all day and come evening it just hit me. It's funny too because my parents had taken this week off to help with baby and with everything they went ahead and took it off, which worked out too because Jason went back to work this week. So, it's been interesting because we've been running errands and taking care of stuff I've needed to do, which is good because it gets me out instead of at home dwelling. The ironic part is that it's those moments that actually make me miss her more because I keep thinking how she should be with us, and I should be dealing with her and stuff that needs to be done instead of what we were doing. More than anything it just helps being around people. I felt silly because earlier in the week Jason went out for his "guys night" and he called around to make sure someone could come hang out with me while he was out and I felt like he was looking for a baby sitter for me; but I'm sure it was for the better it just seems weird. :)
Ultimately I think I'm doing pretty good emotionally, most days. Sometimes, though I almost feel bad for having a good day because I feel like I'm not thinking of her very much. Although, most of the time, I feel worse for dwelling because I know it wouldn't be something she or God would want, so I find some kind of middle. :) Hopefully I'm not wearing on my friends to much because I have actually been talking a lot about her to them. Granted they all said if I needed anything let them know.....I need an ear on occasion, so be prepared. :)
We also actually had our friends that had been through a similar thing had their daughters birthday party and she is the same age as Madison so I really wanted her to go but didn't know if we were ready because they do a balloon release at the party. Luckily my mom said she could take her. I mentioned the balloon release and she said she was fine with it and after the party she called me and said she wasn't ok. She also said that it was ok because my friends mom came over and talked to her. Which I think is great because that actually gives my mom someone to talk to because they are in the exact same position; the mothers of the daughters that lost the babies. So I am hoping that is something that pans out for her to help her heal too.
We have had a couple of references for groups and my dr even said she could get us in contact with any kind of group or counseling we might need. Groups, mentoring, family, single; etc. So, down the road I may look into some of those.
Oh, and Jason said his first day back was kind of hard because everyone was asking what happened, etc; so he had to tell the story and everything, so that made it kind of hard. I think ultimately it was good for him to get back so some kind of normal. I am kind of eager to get back to that even though some moments of mine will be hard; playing with the kids in my class will help me tons, I just need to heal physically. :)
Overall, everyday is a journey and we are doing pretty well, but somedays are still hard. This past week when the day came that we were originally scheduled to have Hailey was a little hard, but we got through it. Also this past week we got some wind chimes from my aunt to think of Hailey when we hear them and I love that! My sister also mentioned that when it storms we can think of Hailey (and her friends) helping God and Jesus play with the flashlights and dropping toys like Madison says. :) So having stuff like that helps make things a little easier and feel like she's here with us.
*We miss you and love you sweet girl; someday we'll see you again and hold you!
Until next time.
I think I am definitely getting better with things because since everything has happened and as I talk to people I realize that one, I have completely overestimated the difference between miscarriages and stillborn losses. Emotionally they are very similar. Every loss is different regardless of the time of the loss, but emotionally it's pretty similar. We all lost a baby. I have even been able to take Madison into school and pick her up without getting all emotional; which I thought I would not be able to do for a few more weeks. Since I have gotten better about talking about it; basically learning that the more I talk it actually helps and heals; I think that is why I am able to go into the school and usually spend some time talking.
So my amazing sisters planned a girls night with some of my friends and even though it was just dinner and I was actually only able to talk to half of the girls that came; it still went well. I was so glad to get out with the girls. I wanted to do something after but it was a week night and everyone was tired; next time. :) It helped a lot!!
I also had a first today, I had to take my rent to my landlords, and I hadn't talked to them in a month. So, the last time I talked to them I had planned to either have Jason bring it out there while I was home with Hailey or I could and bring Hailey by. So, of course when I walked in she asked, "So, did we have a baby" and I had to explain what happened and of course I started crying. I was thinking I'd be okay and not cry; but alas I couldn't help it. It wasn't as bad since I know them, so when I have to explain even the jest of my situation, I'm dreading it. It is hard being that it's still so fresh, because I don't want to dilute Hailey's memory but I don't want to pour out my whole story to every stranger either. Especially if it's a cashier or something because I've also been on the other side (not to this degree) where people have told too much of a story and even though I am a caring person, I certainly don't mind if they feel like they need to share that with me; but it's not the time when there are 3 people behind them in a hurry or just wanting to check out. So, it's hard; but I'm sure most people won't really pry anyway. Plus if I have Madison with me and they ask me if she's my only child, I have to be picky what I say if she's listening. Of course with Madison, I'm sure she'll tell them Hailey is with Jesus (as she does if you ask her anyway), they will probably think that's cute and leave it alone.
Every day continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it's not always day to day some times it can change from morning to evening! The other day I was fine pretty much all day and come evening it just hit me. It's funny too because my parents had taken this week off to help with baby and with everything they went ahead and took it off, which worked out too because Jason went back to work this week. So, it's been interesting because we've been running errands and taking care of stuff I've needed to do, which is good because it gets me out instead of at home dwelling. The ironic part is that it's those moments that actually make me miss her more because I keep thinking how she should be with us, and I should be dealing with her and stuff that needs to be done instead of what we were doing. More than anything it just helps being around people. I felt silly because earlier in the week Jason went out for his "guys night" and he called around to make sure someone could come hang out with me while he was out and I felt like he was looking for a baby sitter for me; but I'm sure it was for the better it just seems weird. :)
Ultimately I think I'm doing pretty good emotionally, most days. Sometimes, though I almost feel bad for having a good day because I feel like I'm not thinking of her very much. Although, most of the time, I feel worse for dwelling because I know it wouldn't be something she or God would want, so I find some kind of middle. :) Hopefully I'm not wearing on my friends to much because I have actually been talking a lot about her to them. Granted they all said if I needed anything let them know.....I need an ear on occasion, so be prepared. :)
We also actually had our friends that had been through a similar thing had their daughters birthday party and she is the same age as Madison so I really wanted her to go but didn't know if we were ready because they do a balloon release at the party. Luckily my mom said she could take her. I mentioned the balloon release and she said she was fine with it and after the party she called me and said she wasn't ok. She also said that it was ok because my friends mom came over and talked to her. Which I think is great because that actually gives my mom someone to talk to because they are in the exact same position; the mothers of the daughters that lost the babies. So I am hoping that is something that pans out for her to help her heal too.
We have had a couple of references for groups and my dr even said she could get us in contact with any kind of group or counseling we might need. Groups, mentoring, family, single; etc. So, down the road I may look into some of those.
Oh, and Jason said his first day back was kind of hard because everyone was asking what happened, etc; so he had to tell the story and everything, so that made it kind of hard. I think ultimately it was good for him to get back so some kind of normal. I am kind of eager to get back to that even though some moments of mine will be hard; playing with the kids in my class will help me tons, I just need to heal physically. :)
Overall, everyday is a journey and we are doing pretty well, but somedays are still hard. This past week when the day came that we were originally scheduled to have Hailey was a little hard, but we got through it. Also this past week we got some wind chimes from my aunt to think of Hailey when we hear them and I love that! My sister also mentioned that when it storms we can think of Hailey (and her friends) helping God and Jesus play with the flashlights and dropping toys like Madison says. :) So having stuff like that helps make things a little easier and feel like she's here with us.
*We miss you and love you sweet girl; someday we'll see you again and hold you!
Until next time.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Oh Me, Oh My
So it's been over a week since everything; in fact its almost been two weeks! I go to the dr on Wednesday to get all I can out of her. :) We have had a week of people bringing us food and visiting and what not, so that has definitely helped. My mom has been worried about us getting out enough, and when we got out yesterday to go to the mall, we see nothing but babies! It is all still a process and a journey and we are doing the best we can! We've already had a few moments where we just break down but we have definitely talked a lot so that's helping. I do have hope things will get easier. We do have close friends that share in our experience and it is great to have them to talk to!! They came over this week and it helped to compare stories and just to talk things out! Which is ironic because I was just on a website looking for other moms sharing their stories of their losses and granted all stories are different but I don't think the website is a place for me; I just couldn't find anything that helped in anyway. Plus most stories I came across they lost their babies early, early in their pregnancies, so I definitely couldn't relate. I think that is one of the hard things for me is that I was so close to my due date! I did find one thread of moms who had lost their babies at full term and quite a few had lost them because the cord was tangled around the neck. Great one more thing to be worried about! As I mentioned in the previous post, we have decided to try again fairly soon; I do want to make sure emotionally I can handle it. So I definitely have a lot of questions for the dr and will want a lot of information; and either way I am pretty sure I will be on edge the entire pregnancy! It is definitely an emotional roller coaster; all of it! One of my main focuses right now is to prepare myself for going back to work and seeing the babies, especially because it seems like a lot of people got pregnant around the same time I did. Some already had theirs and some still have somewhere around a month or two to go. Which I think its mainly hard because I waited 9 months to see Hailey and now she's not here and I have to wait 9 plus months to see the next baby; whereas everyone else has their baby now, and it's healthy. I do not have a grudge against anyone! I definitely know the joy they are feeling and I am so happy for all of them; it is just hard for me because I wanted Hailey sooooo bad and she didn't make it. I think I've gotten to the why stage but I am not mad at anyone. From what I've been told, so far, it seems like it was just a random thing that happened and their was no way they could have known, etc. So, really how is it anyone's fault? Also, honestly what good does it do to blame God? I know a lot of people have a hard time with the idea that He took their baby away; but I am a firm believer God doesn't do anything without a plan! Yes it hurts and yes I hate it, but He has a plan; and I may never know or maybe some of it will be revealed in so many years. I just hate that it was so close; that literally hours before her being stillborn I felt her kick and they had her heartbeat on the monitor. Naturally, I wish we could have just had her then, while she was still fine; but I also know dwelling on that doesn't change anything, so I move on. I'm sorry if I've been all over the place on this blog, that's definitely a peak into my mind this week! If we didn't have calendars we wouldn't know what was going on! I am also greatful for Madison because she helps keep my mind functioning because as any parent knows you have to constantly think about what they need for 'today' and frankly 'tomorrow' in case they need laundry, etc.; so that has helped keep me on my toes, not to mention playing with her and the everyday activites with her help us cope as well.
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Baby Hailey
So, I know most everyone already knows, and everyone that follows the blog is already aware; but I felt like I needed to blog.
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday Night Sew In and the Zoo!!
Well, I feel like I'm behind updating for the Sew In and kinda frustrated because I didn't make it to the fabric store yesterday (or today) to pick out something great for the boy in my class' mat. I will have it done by Tuesday when we come back from our "weekend"! :) Well, therefore I was only able to get a bag done; which I actually mainly did because I thought it would be really handy for our zoo trip today and it was. I recently bought a book pretty much of bag idea/patterns so I took advantage of that! I may continue my sew in tonight, there are a lot of things I want to work on! I remembered today I have an idea to maybe make a diaper bag for little miss on the way, but I CANNOT decide what kind I want, etc; so we'll see what happens there. :)
So this morning we got up and met some friends at the zoo this morning; which wasn't bad until about 10:30/11, it was soooooo hot!! I had water with us of course but it never seems like enough! :) I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did, but it was a good time with friends, but will be nice if/when we do it again when it's cooler! :) I am already so over this summer! September CANNOT get here fast enough! :) I was impressed, though (probably b/c she was trying to stay hydrated) but Madi did not have an accident at all! Every time I saw a bathroom we went in and she did her thing every time! I was soo proud of her! Needless to say we definitely both got some sun! :) As soon as we got home we both took a cool shower and it felt absolutely amazing! Then we took a nice nap, so it turned out to be a good day!
As for baby; we did go to the dr yesterday and she is doing well and we set up the scheduled c-section (time pending) so I'm excited to have everything set and hopefully she will wait to come on that day. It's actually a couple of days before my due date, so we'll see. I never went into labor with Madison (she was breech) so we'll see how this one goes.
So, now here are some pictures one of the bag I did; which by the way I can't tell if I did the straps right, but it worked out either way. :) Also, a picture of Madison on the monkey rope swing at the zoo.
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So this morning we got up and met some friends at the zoo this morning; which wasn't bad until about 10:30/11, it was soooooo hot!! I had water with us of course but it never seems like enough! :) I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did, but it was a good time with friends, but will be nice if/when we do it again when it's cooler! :) I am already so over this summer! September CANNOT get here fast enough! :) I was impressed, though (probably b/c she was trying to stay hydrated) but Madi did not have an accident at all! Every time I saw a bathroom we went in and she did her thing every time! I was soo proud of her! Needless to say we definitely both got some sun! :) As soon as we got home we both took a cool shower and it felt absolutely amazing! Then we took a nice nap, so it turned out to be a good day!
As for baby; we did go to the dr yesterday and she is doing well and we set up the scheduled c-section (time pending) so I'm excited to have everything set and hopefully she will wait to come on that day. It's actually a couple of days before my due date, so we'll see. I never went into labor with Madison (she was breech) so we'll see how this one goes.
So, now here are some pictures one of the bag I did; which by the way I can't tell if I did the straps right, but it worked out either way. :) Also, a picture of Madison on the monkey rope swing at the zoo.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Madi and baby
Well, I've done it again, I get so side tracked with life I forget about my blog. :) Although I think I talk to most of my readers regularly or connect through Facebook. Well, I recently had all the fun stuff with glucose tests! Apparently I didn't pass my one hour test so I had to do it for 3 hours and thought I was going to have to take it again because I didn't keep the liquid down with 10 minutes to go, but luckily it turned out they were still able to run all the tests and I don't have Gestational Diabetes so all is well! :) Baby is still moving, although I can tell she's getting bigger so she has less room to work with; but I am ok with that because it means it's getting closer to time to meet her! I've been busy trying to get my house in order for a new baby; which has also been fun because Madison wants to play with all the baby toys and whines that she doesn't have one of those (whatever toy she picks up), and I continuesly explain it's for sister and it used to be hers and that's why she has big girl toys. It's been an adventure with Madison for sure! She is every bit of 3 with her questions and ideas, it can get to your nerves on occasion, but I really love it! She is such a converstionalist! :)
Speaking of Madison, she recently reached a major milestone.....she's potty trained! She hasn't had an accident in a few days (knock on wood) and does wear a pull up at night, but she goes mostly on her own; I don't have to do my timer anymore and she wears panties all day! I love, love, love it! I am just glad we only have to buy diapers for one kid! Yes I'm sure we'll still be buying pull ups for a while, but that's ok!
Also, I seem to think of updating when I have a sew in coming up and I am definitely taking advantage of the one this time! I finally got around to making Madison's nap mat cover and am a little upset at myself because it was so easy and can't believe it took me so long to get to. Well, it works out for me too because I posted a picture on my Facebook and one of the boys in my class at MDO, his mom wants me to make him one! I'm excited! I love the idea of making stuff for other people! Yes I see that I could make a business out of it; but ultimately I just LOVE that others will be using something I made! Which is also why I love that Madison has a monkey my cousin made and am planning on getting one for her sister! :) It's original and definitely something to treasure for years and years! I love stuff like that, they have more of a story that something someone bought once upon a time. Depending on the time and item, but you get the idea. :)
Anyway so, I will most likely be working on the nap mat cover for the boy in my class and I bought a book today of bag ideas; so I will have to try one out!
So, stay tuned for my sew in post!
Here is Madison's nap mat cover:
Speaking of Madison, she recently reached a major milestone.....she's potty trained! She hasn't had an accident in a few days (knock on wood) and does wear a pull up at night, but she goes mostly on her own; I don't have to do my timer anymore and she wears panties all day! I love, love, love it! I am just glad we only have to buy diapers for one kid! Yes I'm sure we'll still be buying pull ups for a while, but that's ok!
Also, I seem to think of updating when I have a sew in coming up and I am definitely taking advantage of the one this time! I finally got around to making Madison's nap mat cover and am a little upset at myself because it was so easy and can't believe it took me so long to get to. Well, it works out for me too because I posted a picture on my Facebook and one of the boys in my class at MDO, his mom wants me to make him one! I'm excited! I love the idea of making stuff for other people! Yes I see that I could make a business out of it; but ultimately I just LOVE that others will be using something I made! Which is also why I love that Madison has a monkey my cousin made and am planning on getting one for her sister! :) It's original and definitely something to treasure for years and years! I love stuff like that, they have more of a story that something someone bought once upon a time. Depending on the time and item, but you get the idea. :)
Anyway so, I will most likely be working on the nap mat cover for the boy in my class and I bought a book today of bag ideas; so I will have to try one out!
So, stay tuned for my sew in post!
Here is Madison's nap mat cover:
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