Oh Me, Oh My

So it's been over a week since everything; in fact its almost been two weeks! I go to the dr on Wednesday to get all I can out of her. :) We have had a week of people bringing us food and visiting and what not, so that has definitely helped. My mom has been worried about us getting out enough, and when we got out yesterday to go to the mall, we see nothing but babies! It is all still a process and a journey and we are doing the best we can! We've already had a few moments where we just break down but we have definitely talked a lot so that's helping. I do have hope things will get easier. We do have close friends that share in our experience and it is great to have them to talk to!! They came over this week and it helped to compare stories and just to talk things out! Which is ironic because I was just on a website looking for other moms sharing their stories of their losses and granted all stories are different but I don't think the website is a place for me; I just couldn't find anything that helped in anyway. Plus most stories I came across they lost their babies early, early in their pregnancies, so I definitely couldn't relate. I think that is one of the hard things for me is that I was so close to my due date! I did find one thread of moms who had lost their babies at full term and quite a few had lost them because the cord was tangled around the neck. Great one more thing to be worried about! As I mentioned in the previous post, we have decided to try again fairly soon; I do want to make sure emotionally I can handle it. So I definitely have a lot of questions for the dr and will want a lot of information; and either way I am pretty sure I will be on edge the entire pregnancy! It is definitely an emotional roller coaster; all of it! One of my main focuses right now is to prepare myself for going back to work and seeing the babies, especially because it seems like a lot of people got pregnant around the same time I did. Some already had theirs and some still have somewhere around a month or two to go. Which I think its mainly hard because I waited 9 months to see Hailey and now she's not here and I have to wait 9 plus months to see the next baby; whereas everyone else has their baby now, and it's healthy. I do not have a grudge against anyone! I definitely know the joy they are feeling and I am so happy for all of them; it is just hard for me because I wanted Hailey sooooo bad and she didn't make it. I think I've gotten to the why stage but I am not mad at anyone. From what I've been told, so far, it seems like it was just a random thing that happened and their was no way they could have known, etc. So, really how is it anyone's fault? Also, honestly what good does it do to blame God? I know a lot of people have a hard time with the idea that He took their baby away; but I am a firm believer God doesn't do anything without a plan! Yes it hurts and yes I hate it, but He has a plan; and I may never know or maybe some of it will be revealed in so many years. I just hate that it was so close; that literally hours before her being stillborn I felt her kick and they had her heartbeat on the monitor. Naturally, I wish we could have just had her then, while she was still fine; but I also know dwelling on that doesn't change anything, so I move on. I'm sorry if I've been all over the place on this blog, that's definitely a peak into my mind this week! If we didn't have calendars we wouldn't know what was going on! I am also greatful for Madison because she helps keep my mind functioning because as any parent knows you have to constantly think about what they need for 'today' and frankly 'tomorrow' in case they need laundry, etc.; so that has helped keep me on my toes, not to mention playing with her and the everyday activites with her help us cope as well.
I do have to add that I am EXTREMELY greatful for my work! I literally have never worked at a place that has been soo good to us! They are literally like a family! The day Jason took Madi back to MDO there, one of the teachers even ran him down to give him a card (and an angel wing I put on a necklace and wear), and one of the moms whom I haven't even had her daughter in my class yet (she's in the class right now, but I have been out since she moved up) brought us some dinner and a gift for Madison! Everyone there has been so supportive and great! I am glad to work with all of them, it's just the emotions of being around the kids I'm worried about right now. I just want to get past the part where I cry everytime something bothers me. :)
I am also greatful for allllllll of our friends and family who have made sure to check on us regularly, it has helped!
Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm rambling on and on, so thank you for reading, and for your support. I am going to enjoy more of our many leftovers from all these dinners!
Until next time!

Baby Hailey

So, I know most everyone already knows, and everyone that follows the blog is already aware; but I felt like I needed to blog. 
Well, we had her scheduled for the 30th of August and little Hailey had other plans. Monday morning August 15th I started having Braxton Hicks they were very irregular and not terribly painful. They stayed like this all day and I did call the dr a million times since I'd never experienced it, but they continued to tell me to just watch and let them know if they get closer or more painful. So Tuesday I went to work and continued to have a few Braxton Hicks and plenty of fluids. :) That night they became consistently 10 minutes apart. The pain hadn't changed, but they were close enough we wanted to have everything checked and couldn't get ahold of the nurses so we just went to the hospital. They had me checked out and baby was fine, I wasn't progressing in anyway so there was no reason to do anything except give me an ambien and send me home, which is what we did. A couple of hours later for some reason my contractions had gotten closer together and the pain was unbearable. So we went back to the hospital and they decided to go ahead and put me to sleep and we were going to have a baby! So they took me back, got me ready and Jason and Madi went to the waiting room. It was around 2 or 3am when we came back to the hospital. They delivered her at 3:30am. When I woke up I was joking with the nurse and was asking if Hailey had a lot of hair and all he would tell me was that my husband would be in to talk to me soon; which even still have knocked out seemed odd at the time, but since I was groggy I kind of blew it off too. I later found out that while I was out the nurses and drs had been running around crazy. When Jason came in to talk to me, he told me that Hailey didn't make it. I had a hard time believing him, granted I was still doped up. I knew it was real once I saw my mom; though.
So, as it turns out at some point during labor the placenta had separated from Hailey and she didn't make it. She came out blue with no heartbeat and not breathing. They tried everything they could to save her. We have all had a really hard time coping with everything. I also took a while to even cry; I think between the drugs and the shock of it all, I just hadn't grasped it was real. I sometimes still have to make sure it's real. It is definitely one of those things you can't know how you'll react until it happens, and I pray you don't have to experience it first hand! We wanted this baby soooo bad it makes it that much harder! We have definitely talked about and decided we will still try to have another, but it will not be Hailey, so that is hard to grasp! We are still processing everything. We had her viewing at the funeral home yesterday and her funderal was today. It is all some of the hardest things we've ever had to do!
We did tell Madison, she didn't realize what was going on for the first day, but the second morning we decided to have Madison sit with us and they brought Hailey in. (We were able to hold Hailey at anypoint during our hospital stay; as long as we were there she was ours). So Madison got to see and hold Hailey and we explained to her that she wasn't coming home with us and that Jesus would take care of her and that some day she'll have another sister or brother. She didn't like any of it; she said she didn't want a brother she wanted a sister and she wanted it to be Hailey. That definitely pulled on our hearts! I'm pretty sure she understands what's happened but I'm sure it will still take time for her to completely understand.
Leaving the hospital was hard, it killed me that she wasn't coming home with us! We also had to sign our discharge papers and Jason told them not to, but they had put the funeral home release papers in there as well and when I was signing everything else I got to that one and I just broke down and Jason had to sign it. Coming home wasn't as bad becasue we didn't have much to associate with Hailey here. We had baby stuff set up, but most of it was Madison's first so it didn't really register that Hailey was going to use it to, after awhile it set in that she is supposed to be at home with us, giggling and crying.
We have had and do have AMAZING people around us, friends, family, coworkers, etc; they all have been so great! Everyone has helped us so much and that keeps us going everyday because we know we'll get through this because of them. Having Madison helps A LOT too! I told Jason the other night that if this was our first child I don't think I would have done as well! Also, one of the few blessings from this is that we did make it to the hospital and they were able to take her c-section; if we hadn't made it up here, I wouldn't be typing this right now. So we are greatful for that, but we are still pretty torn up about Hailey. She will be forever missed and forever in our hearts. We will move on, but we'll never be the same! I will be getting in touch with the dr soon to go over everything, to find out everything I can about what happened and find out if there is any kind of chance of it happening again and when we can try for another.
It's been a wild journey so far and I anticipate it will be from now on, but we have a great support and each other so we'll get through this; one day at a time!
Thank you for reading this, I know it's not easy, but we appreciate all the prayers and support more than we can ever express!!
Until next time.

Friday Night Sew In and the Zoo!!

Well, I feel like I'm behind updating for the Sew In and kinda frustrated because I didn't make it to the fabric store yesterday (or today) to pick out something great for the boy in my class' mat. I will have it done by Tuesday when we come back from our "weekend"! :) Well, therefore I was only able to get a bag done; which I actually mainly did because I thought it would be really handy for our zoo trip today and it was. I recently bought a book pretty much of bag idea/patterns so I took advantage of that! I may continue my sew in tonight, there are a lot of things I want to work on! I remembered today I have an idea to maybe make a diaper bag for little miss on the way, but I CANNOT decide what kind I want, etc; so we'll see what happens there. :)

So this morning we got up and met some friends at the zoo this morning; which wasn't bad until about 10:30/11, it was soooooo hot!! I had water with us of course but it never seems like enough! :) I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did, but it was a good time with friends, but will be nice if/when we do it again when it's cooler! :) I am already so over this summer! September CANNOT get here fast enough! :) I was impressed, though (probably b/c she was trying to stay hydrated) but Madi did not have an accident at all! Every time I saw a bathroom we went in and she did her thing every time! I was soo proud of her! Needless to say we definitely both got some sun! :) As soon as we got home we both took a cool shower and it felt absolutely amazing! Then we took a nice nap, so it turned out to be a good day!

As for baby; we did go to the dr yesterday and she is doing well and we set up the scheduled c-section (time pending) so I'm excited to have everything set and hopefully she will wait to come on that day. It's actually a couple of days before my due date, so we'll see. I never went into labor with Madison (she was breech) so we'll see how this one goes.

So, now here are some pictures one of the bag I did; which by the way I can't tell if I did the straps right, but it worked out either way. :) Also, a picture of Madison on the monkey rope swing at the zoo.

Madi and baby

Well, I've done it again, I get so side tracked with life I forget about my blog. :) Although I think I talk to most of my readers regularly or connect through Facebook. Well, I recently had all the fun stuff with glucose tests! Apparently I didn't pass my one hour test so I had to do it for 3 hours and thought I was going to have to take it again because I didn't keep the liquid down with 10 minutes to go, but luckily it turned out they were still able to run all the tests and I don't have Gestational Diabetes so all is well! :) Baby is still moving, although I can tell she's getting bigger so she has less room to work with; but I am ok with that because it means it's getting closer to time to meet her! I've been busy trying to get my house in order for a new baby; which has also been fun because Madison wants to play with all the baby toys and whines that she doesn't have one of those (whatever toy she picks up), and I continuesly explain it's for sister and it used to be hers and that's why she has big girl toys. It's been an adventure with Madison for sure! She is every bit of 3 with her questions and ideas, it can get to your nerves on occasion, but I really love it! She is such a converstionalist! :)
Speaking of Madison, she recently reached a major milestone.....she's potty trained! She hasn't had an accident in a few days (knock on wood) and does wear a pull up at night, but she goes mostly on her own; I don't have to do my timer anymore and she wears panties all day! I love, love, love it! I am just glad we only have to buy diapers for one kid! Yes I'm sure we'll still be buying pull ups for a while, but that's ok!
Also, I seem to think of updating when I have a sew in coming up and I am definitely taking advantage of the one this time! I finally got around to making Madison's nap mat cover and am a little upset at myself because it was so easy and can't believe it took me so long to get to. Well, it works out for me too because I posted a picture on my Facebook and one of the boys in my class at MDO, his mom wants me to make him one! I'm excited! I love the idea of making stuff for other people! Yes I see that I could make a business out of it; but ultimately I just LOVE that others will be using something I made! Which is also why I love that Madison has a monkey my cousin made and am planning on getting one for her sister! :) It's original and definitely something to treasure for years and years! I love stuff like that, they have more of a story that something someone bought once upon a time. Depending on the time and item, but you get the idea. :)
Anyway so, I will most likely be working on the nap mat cover for the boy in my class and I bought a book today of bag ideas; so I will have to try one out!
So, stay tuned for my sew in post!
Here is Madison's nap mat cover:

Update on Baby, etc

I know it's been awhile; I have neglected my blog, sorry about that. I tend to forget things lately and my poor blog is one of them. So, again for those who don't already know, we are expecting another girl! We wanted a boy, but like with Madison (who we also wanted to be a boy) we are still excited that she's healthy and growing well! I've started to feel her move and I love that! It is my favorite part of pregnancy! Even in the last couple of months with Madison and she didn't have much room and stretched and I had to have my torso in a straight postion (so I needed to shift if I was sitting) I still loved it. :) We have a few name choices but nothing is certain yet. Madison kept calling her Dora, but she's finally changed that and now calls her one of our choices. She understands she's in my belly and knows that she will be there until she's done growing. I'm sure she hasn't put it together in her head that there is a real baby growing in there, but she talks like she somewhat understands. We'll see how she does come August! It's kind of weird this time because I had Madison c-section because she was breech; so this one will be a scheduled c-section also, which makes it weird because everyone asks when my due date is which is September 2nd but she will most likely be born in the last week or so of August. So, it's crazy because when people ask I feel like I have to explain it, instead of a simple answer. :)
As for everyone else, Jason is working for Hertz, but crazy hours so we see each other on a different schedule than everyone else. I am working at Madison's MDO, still and I'm also working at a church Sunday mornings which helps because the 2 jobs I have I can take Madison with me! It definitely makes things a lot easier than when I've worked anywhere else! Madison is still working on potty training! Some days she is all about it, some does she just wants to wear a diaper all day! I've asked and tried to get her to wear her big girl panties and work on going on the potty on days like today when we have nothing else going on, but she wanted the diaper. It's frustrating for me, because I know she can and is completely capable, she just chooses not to. Yes it would be easier if she was potty trained by August, but I'm not going to push it! It is also kind of weird because I feel like most of her class is potty trained so I really don't understand why she doesn't pick that up. This past week she tried at school a few times and I was so proud of that, but as soon as she's home, it's a different story. It's also hard because it feels like no matter what I do to build up the excitement she still strays and just wants a diaper. I don't know. I just continue working with her and try to be patient. It will come.
It's also interesting because this time around with the baby I have been sooooo anxious for her to get here! Almost from the time I found out I was pregnant! :) I've decided it's probably because I'm not working full time and then some like I was with Madison! I worked 8am to whenever Monday thru Friday with Madison and walked daily (as part of my job); so needless to say it's a different situation, but I'm trying to make sure I still walk enough and eat well. It's also been interesting because when I was pregnant with Madison I only knew a few people that were also pregnant at the time. This time I know just under 10! It is amazing! Especially because just under half work with me at the MDO!
Anyway, well I hope everyone enjoys their Easter weekend and praise God for sacrificing his son on the cross on this day!
Take care; until next time!!

It's Been A While

Well, it's been awhile since I've done a Friday Night Sew In and I've missed it! I haven't been able to sew much lately, and I was looking forward to it!! I had planned on working on some baby stuff, but I didn't know what to do so, I changed it. Of course, as usual I wait until the night of to decide what I was going to work on. Well, I found a cute little tutorial online and had it all set up to make it, but when I started to put it together it was too small for what I wanted. So, I took what I had and pieced together to make the bag I originally thought of. I had recently found this fabric at JoAnn's I really liked and really wanted to use it. Well, I worked on my bag and from the pattern I used changed it up a little. Ultimately I LOVE how it turned out and it served the purpose I wanted to use it for the funeral we attended today. Which was one of the first military I had been to, so it was pretty interesting.

I really wanted to sew a lot of baby things once I got my sewing machine and Madi was a baby, but I didn't get to, so this time I am really going to try and make a lot of baby stuff. :) So, I'll definitely have to participate in every sew in I can! :) I can't wait to see how this year will go!

Here are my pictures:

 

I love these birds! I did goof, in that I kept forgetting that it needed to make sure the fabric faced the right way, but oh well. :) 

This is the bag for the pattern I changed.

I left the top band off and changed the strap (birds)

Short but SWEET

I just wanted to post here, if you haven't heard or seen on Facebook, we are expecting baby number 2 in August! We were kind of planning it, but okay if it didn't happen. :) We are very excited and I'm sure Madi is too, but I don't think she quite understands what is going on. :) I am so greatful that, knock on wood, I have not had morning sickness yet, like I did with Madi. I will keep you posted as time goes by. :)